There can be conflict in any relationship, and marriage is no exception. I discovered this video which accurately describes the source of conflict in marriage. Enjoy.
Category: Men of Steel
Why So Many Moral Failures?
John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and now NY congressman Anthony Weiner is the latest public figure in the news who has fallen due to a moral failure. I don’t know his spiritual situation and would never judge someone else with a superior attitude, but we all ask the question, “What was he thinking?” Did he really think he could behave like this and not be caught, embarrassed or even blackmailed? Since there is no one who is righteous, no not one, we MUST set up a system around us that helps protect us from moral failure.
The old phrase goes, “There, but by the grace of God, go I.” I’m not sure if this line is humbling by saying that we all can fall just like this guy, so don’t think you’re above the temptation, or arrogant, indicating an attitude similar to the Pharisee and the tax collector in (Luke 18:11). It’s hard to check our motivation sometimes.
So, why do these public leaders fall to such stupid decisions?
They Have No Personal Boundaries
Call me legalistic, but I am a freak about personal boundaries, like:
- I don’t ride in a car alone with a woman other than with my wife or daughter. I used to share a ride, and it always felt uneasy for me. And never forget, just an accusation can ruin your ministry or reputation.
- I will not counsel a woman alone, my office door is open, or I go to the Welcome Center, or the Library with all that glass around us.
- I will not share a meal in a restaurant with a woman, just the two of us, under any circumstances, (and don’t justify that lunch by calling it “business”).
- I don’t use a computer late at night, or in a non-public place. Men, it just makes sense. Our family computer is in the living room. If your wife or daughter could walk in at any time, makes your commitment to purity much stronger.
- I don’t post anything on Facebook or Twitter that I woundn’t want my wife or pastor to see; wait a minute, they CAN read it, along with all the people on my friends list. And don’t think it ends there. Re-postings can keep negative stuff online forever, for my congregation and even future employers to see.
Those are just a few of the examples, but the bottom line is this, you can’t commit adultery with a woman if you are not alone with her. Too many men have sold their marriage, reputation or ministry down the river just to have an orgasm. It’s not worth it men. We’ve got to make tough decisions now and be willing to experience some “inconveniences” for the sake of our family, marriage and the kingdom.
They Think They Can Handle the Temptation
One of the Bible verses that has always sticks out for me on the issue of temptation is 1 Corinthians 10:12. Paul warns us to always be careful because the minute that we think we have a particular sin mastered, we are in danger of that very sin actually becoming our master.
I once read about Gordon MacDonald, pastor and author of Ordering Your Private World. Billy Graham said of one of his books: “It struck me right between the eyes with conviction and I wish that I had read it many years ago.” Another prominent Christian leader described him as “one of the most Godly men I have ever met.” He was the pastor of the largest church in New England and taught at the local seminary.
He became the president of the Intervarsity evangelistic organization, one of the biggest in America. Then it came out around 1987. A sin from a few years previously was exposed, and MacDonald was forced to resign. The sin was adultery. His wife was so shocked she has never trusted him since, and it’s been over ten years.
He was forced to step down as president of Intervarsity. It made most pastors aware of our own spiritual frailty. If this man, with all his much vaunted spiritual discipline, could fall so hard, then no-one was immune from danger, ever. He would never live it down.
Later he said, “The most costly sins I have committed came at a time when I briefly suspended my reverence for God. In such a moment I quietly (and insanely) concluded that God didn’t care and most likely wouldn’t intervene were I to risk the violation of one of His commandments.” Years later, he authored a sequel called, “Rebuilding Your Broken World,” which is confessional and a book of hope for others who have fallen.
They Stop Pursuing Jesus
If these public figures are professing believers, they begin to pursue other things. It is a fact that no one can pursue Jesus and sin at the same time. If someone is trying to get in the pants of a woman who is not his wife, then he cannot claim that his eyes are on Jesus.
This is why the Word of God is essential for anyone who wants to keep a pure heart. Men, we are called to pursue Jesus, and doing so will always lead us away from sin, not towards it.
They Allow Stress to Bring Weakness
When a man experiences a time of intense stress and anxiety he is way more vulnerable to be lured into sin. We’ve got to take the fourth commandment seriously (the one about rest). We’ve got to take care of ourselves emotionally, spiritually and physically, and if we neglect these things, we become an easy target of the enemy.
They Believe They Have the Power to Get Away With it.
It is amazing the arrogance of so many men in power, that they can do something so devastating and sincerely believe that there will be no consequences. Adultery is a big deal, why throw your life away on something so preventable?
They Have No Accountability.
This topic is going to be a kick I will be on for the next few months; just so you will understand and realize where I’m coming from. When there is no accountability, we begin to live secret lives: hiding from our wives, kids, friends and other men. Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another (Proverbs 27:17). We need each other. How can we move toward more accountable relationships to keep us on track, out of trouble, and living in integrity? Who do you know that needs an intervention or rescue? Do you need help? This can change everything we know about the church.
Men, I want us to make it, so keep your eyes on Jesus. If anyone is struggling in this area and feel like you are about to sin, get help, call me, let’s talk (at least talk to someone).
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Priorities in Marriage
No one has it all together in their marriage. We are like pilgrims on a journey trying to figure out how to survive and thrive in this most important human relationship. The point is that God has called us to love our wives like Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25-26). The point is that it is quite difficult to love anyone else that much. Christ loved the church so much that he died for us all. You may also love your wife enough to die for her, but do you love her enough to live for her. That is the great challenge. That takes sacrifice.
Priorities and Unity:
Have you ever been at a place in your marriage where you and your wife were not aligned in your priorities? Maybe you wanted to focus on items 1, 3, and 5, but she thought items 2, 4, and 6 should be given higher priority. This can quickly begin a cycle of strife and stress that will not be resolved until root issues causing the division are dealt with.
I read recently that much marriage division is the result of DI-vision (meaning two visions). My vision is different from her vision. I see things from one perspective, and she sees them from another. I place greater importance on certain things, while she places higher importance on something else.
I have found that talking things through, thinking aloud together, and trying not to be overly defensive with “my position” can help. Men need to share “why” they feel a certain way about a matter, while she should try to see things from our perspective.
Doing this may not resolve differences in quickly, (but then again it might) so it’s worth trying. We also need to pray and seek Divine guidance in the areas of our division. There may be fears, insecurities, or other areas of sin that need to be confessed and corrected. It may help to get together with another couple you both respect and share with them the challenges you are facing in your marriage.
Honoring Your Wife:
Finally, we husbands are advised to honor our wives:
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7).
Let’s not get sidetracked on the “weaker” comment, but notice that how you treat your wife will influence your spiritual life… like hinder your prayers!
If your marriage is challenging right now, is there any way in which you are not honoring your wife? Are you giving her the value that is due her as a woman, wife and mother?
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Leadership is About Modeling
I suppose that when someone mentions modeling, the image of a too-skinny woman swaggering down a runway might come to mind, but I submit to you that modeling is what we do as Christians. We are to live out what we say we believe.
As a minister of the gospel, and an employee of a local congregation, leadership is a defining quality of whether one is doing a good job or not. I have always believed that if I am to do a good job, I should work myself out of a job; and that involves building up other people.
If you want to be a people builder, you have to start by giving people an example to follow. Paul and Peter wrote about this (Acts 20:35, Philippians 3:17, 1 Thessalonians 1:7, 1 Timothy 4:12, Titus 2:7, 1 Peter 5:3). Leadership begins with you and with how you live. At its most basic level, leadership is about being a model for others.
Why? I believe that you can only take a person as far as you have gone yourself. People can go beyond where you are, but you are not going to be the one leading them there. You can’t teach what has not already impacted you, and has already changed your life.
One problem is that we don’t always know the difference between being a leader and a boss. Dictators demand. Leaders model. You don’t lead by telling people what to do; you lead by example. The Bible says, “Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care but lead them by your good example.” (1 Peter 5:3 NLT)
Jesus never asked anybody to do anything he hadn’t already done, wasn’t already doing, or wasn’t willing to do. The Bible says in John 13:15, “I’ve given you an example to follow. Now do as I have done to you.” Jesus said he did it, now you do it. In this particular case, he had just washed the feet of the disciples and modeled servanthood. Now he expected his followers to do it. He modeled it first.
Application: Men, in what ways are you modeling for others? How are you serving others? How can people follow your lead in different areas of life? Paul gives us five particular characteristics of leadership in 1 Timothy 4:12:
- Speech – How do you talk to people?
- Life – How do you live your life?
- Love – How do you really show love to other people?
- Faith – How do you really trust God?
- Purity – How do you live a life of integrity?
Are you modeling those behaviors for your family? Are you modeling them for our congregation?
Leadership is a choice. The role of the leader doesn’t come automatically when we’re given a title. There are plenty of people in leadership positions who aren’t leaders. But you can be a leader. It starts by making choices that other people choose not to make, and providing an example to others.
Anyone can be a leader; John Maxwell says that leadership is influence. Think of all the people over whom you have influence. Now go lead them.
Faith Like Potatoes
Over a year ago I watched a film called Faith Like Potatoes. Weird title but a great film, based on a true story of a farmer turned preacher in South Africa.
Angus Buchan, a Zambian farmer of Scottish heritage, leaves his farm in the midst of political unrest and racially charged land travels south with his family to start a better life in KwaZulu Natal, South Africa. With nothing more than a trailer on a patch of land, and help from his foreman, Simeon, the Buchan family struggles to settle in a new country. Faced with ever mounting challenges, hardships and personal turmoil, Angus quickly spirals down into a life consumed by anger, fear and destruction. This is a story that tells the moving life journey of a man who, like his potatoes, grows his faith, unseen until the harvest.
The Bible often brings up farming, for instance…
And hardworking farmers should be the first to enjoy the fruit of their labor (2 Timothy 2:6).
In this section, Paul brings up a farmer as one of three illustrations of a faithful minister of the gospel. The other two (soldier and athlete) probably sound more exciting. Although it’s not Paul’s intent, the truth is that a farmer leads quite an exciting life. He works one of the most dangerous careers a person can choose. Soldiers may face greater dangers from time to time, but a farmer lives and works between sky and earth every day. I recently discovered that in our time, farming outranks any other career in producing work-related injuries and death. Farming is not for dabblers, cowards, or the lazy. And farmers can teach us a lot about faith.
In comparison with athletics and soldiering, farming helps us understand the persistent and patient parts of faith. Action and results come fairly quickly for athletes and soldiers. Not for farmers. They place a seed in the ground and return to harvest the results, but it can be a long time between those two actions. Successful farmers know how to wait. They may not enjoy waiting; but they learn to do it. Waiting doesn’t usually mean doing nothing, but the hardest part of waiting is the waiting.
Farming comes up various times in scripture (sometimes the farmer represents God or the ministry of the gospel).
- Jesus used many farming situations in his parables (like Matthew 13:1-23).
- Paul discussed the parallels between farming and the development of believers (as in 1 Corinthians 3:1-9).
In 2 Timothy 2:6 we get to see ourselves as farmers. With that privilege comes responsibility. If we’re going to “enjoy the fruit” of our labors, then we better be “hardworking.” The farmer who is not hardworking will reap what he sows–little or nothing.
A wise farmer knows what he can’t do.
- He can’t put life in a seed.
- He can’t make it rain.
- He can’t force the seed to grow.
There’s much that’s out of his hands. But he does his part.
- He plants
- He waters
- He cultivates
- He waits
As believers, we plant seeds (acts of obedience to God) in one another’s lives. We deposit seeds (the gospel) in the lives of those who don’t know Christ. The actual results of these actions are in God’s hands. But we often get to be the first to enjoy those results because we’re there. If we recognize the way that we are farmers, we remember we’re in the field every day. Every moment becomes a new opportunity to persistently plant seeds and then patiently wait to see what God will do.
Application:
- Have you seen the film? It is well worth renting for your family movie night, and then discuss lessons seen in the film.
- How is your faith growing? Abundantly? Wonderful harvest? Bearing much fruit? Or is there a drought? Weeds springing up?
- What changes will you make to help cultivate your faith?
- How are you getting to know God better?
- What fruit do you see beginning to bud? Which fruit are ripe for harvest?
- What hired help do you need to farm better? To whom can you become accountable for your Christian growth and maturity?
- Can the Men of Steel help you to become a more productive farmer? (Next time we get together is April 30 at 7:30 am).
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Jesus on God as Father
Being a father, my goal is to be the best I can be, at least, be the kind of father that God wants me to be. I often fail like all of us, but I thought it might be interesting to think about Jesus’ thoughts about the Father.
Jesus said, “This is how you should pray: Father, may your name be kept holy. May your Kingdom come soon” (Luke 11:2).
For those of us who have grown up praying the Lord’s Prayer, we find it familiar and comfortable to address God as Father. But it’s hard for us to relate to the extraordinary invitation of Jesus as he teaches us how to address God. We can simply turn our hearts to God and say, “Father.”
Why is This So Amazing?
Well, before Jesus, people didn’t speak to God in such a personal way. Though the Old Testament sometimes pictures God as a father to Israel (for example, Psalm 103:13), and though Jews could address God as “our Father in heaven,” the simplicity and intimacy of Jesus’ “Father” is unprecedented.
The fact that Jesus referred to God as “my Father” or, more simply, “Father,” was a potentially scandalous presumption. Yet, given his unique relationship with his heavenly Father, we might allow Jesus this extraordinarily familiar communication. But the fact that Jesus invites us to address God as Father boggles the mind, or at least it should.
A Word Study:
The Aramaic word that Jesus used in this prayer was Abba (see Mark 14:36; Romans 8:15; Galatians 4:6). Abba was a word used by children in the time of Jesus, something like “Papa” or “Daddy” in contemporary English. But Abba could also be used by adult children as a term of respect, much like “Father” for us. So, this word encourages us to come before God as free, open-hearted children, while it does not surrender the respect we offer to God as we approach the King of kings and Lord of lords.
A Word Picture:
Jesus himself offered a fascinating picture of God as Father in the parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32). In this story, a father runs to embrace his wayward son, even as he reaches out to his obedient son as well. God as father extends himself in unimaginable love and forgiveness, always seeking reconciliation with us, his children.
Application:
- Do you address God as “Father” when you pray? Why or why not?
- What does it mean to you to speak to God as your father?
- If your father is lacking in honorable qualities, it may be difficult to address God as your Father, but we must understand the “ideal father” that Jesus set before us. How can you overcome any negative images of “father” in your heart?
- If you are a father, how are you embracing the characteristics of God as Father to your own children: love, acceptance, care, protection, familiarity, discipline, guidance, encouragement, comfort, support?
It is so amazing to speak to the God of the universe with such directness and intimacy. Sometime today, thank him for the invitation offered by Jesus to speak to God as he did. Thank him for his sacrifice that makes it possible for us to know God as our Father in heaven. Thank him for the mind-blowing, heart-filling privilege of being one of his children.
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The Bible and Fatherhood
The greatest commandment in Scripture is this: “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength” (Deuteronomy 6:5). If we go back a couple of verses we read,
“So that you, your children and their children after them may fear the LORD your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life” (Deuteronomy 6:2).
Following Deuteronomy 6:5, we read,
“These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).
Israelite history tells us that the father was to be diligent in instructing his children in the ways, works and words of the Lord for their own spiritual development and well-being. The father who was obedient to the commands of Scripture took this task seriously.
“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6).
To “train” means the first instruction that a father and mother give to a child, (we would call this, early education). This training is designed to make clear to children the kind of life they are intended to live.
Paul gives a summary of instructions to the father, in both a negative and positive way.
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord”(Ephesians 6:4).
The negative part of this verse indicates that a father is not to foster negativity in his children by severity, injustice, partiality, or unreasonable exercise of authority. The word “provoke” means “to irritate, exasperate, rub the wrong way, or incite.” This is done by a wrong spirit and wrong methods—severity, unreasonableness, sternness, harshness, cruel demands, needless restrictions, and selfish insistence upon dictatorial authority. This provocation will produce adverse reactions, like reducing their desire for holiness, or obedience, and making them feel that they cannot possibly please their parents. Wise parents seek to make obedience desirable and attainable by love and gentleness.
The positive part of Ephesians 6:4 is expressed in a comprehensive direction—educate them, bring them up, develop their conduct in all of life by the instruction and admonition of the Lord. This is the whole process of educating and discipline. The word “admonition” carries the idea of reminding the child of faults (constructively) and duties (responsibilities).
The Christian father is really an instrument in God’s hand. The human father should never present himself as the ultimate authority in determining truth and duty. It is only by making God the teacher and ruler on whose authority everything is done that the goals of instruction can best be attained.
Instruction comes from the Lord, and is learned through Christian experience, and is administered by the parents—primarily the father. Christian discipline and instruction are needed to enable children to grow up with reverence for God, respect for parental authority, knowledge of Christian standards, and habits of self-control.
“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16-17).
A father’s first responsibility is to acquaint his children with the Bible. The father is charged to be faithful in role modeling what children learn about God, which will put them in good standing throughout their lives.
Application: Dads, it is so important for you to lead your children in the way they should go.
- While no dad is perfect, the goal for all of us is to take this leadership responsibility to heart. Do not abdicate this task to the mother. While she is a partner is the bringing up of your children, the father has tremendous influence over children.
- Is there a need for growth in the area of fatherhood? Study up on our heavenly Father and seek to conform to that image.
- Do you need to ask forgiveness for any failure in this area? talk about the need in your family and your desire to be the father your kids need.
- Pray and seek God together as a couple. Forgive each other. Encourage one another. You need to be the greatest advocate of your wife and she needs to be your biggest fan and supporter. A man needs respect, so commit now that you will earn it.
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When Confession is a Good Thing
I have always heard the phrase, “Confession is good for the soul.” In my case, I suppose it was in the context of my parents knowing what I did anyway so I might as well fess up. The “good for the soul” part might have come from the Catholic church where one of the seven sacraments is confession, but my confession was good for my back end.
What I want to address today is confession and how it relates to our marriage. The Bible talks about confession quite a lot, for instance James write:
Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. (James 5:16)
Consider for a moment the last time you hurt your wife. An unkind word, impatient gesture, or a harsh tone from you that did some damage. Something in the last day or so will do just fine. Let’s assume for a moment that you have not resolved that offense. What would be easier to do?
- Go to your wife and say, “You know when I said or did that thing that hurt you? Well, I’m sorry.”
- Go to your wife and say, “You know when I said or did that thing that hurt you? I was wrong, will you forgive me?”
Granted, we may have to admit that we would find either statement hard to say, but if we want to promote a healthy relationship, does it make a difference how we “confess our sins to each other?”
Most people find it much easier to say, “I’m sorry,” than to say, “I was wrong, will you forgive me?” Why is that? Are they interchangeable expressions, or do they approach an offended person with very different messages? Consider for a moment that the first is actually a non-confessional statement quite capable of causing further offense, while the second is an example of genuine confession.
“I’m sorry” states a feeling but gives the other person no opportunity to respond. It’s not much more that a vague report of being uncomfortable. It doesn’t really take responsibility or accept the vulnerability of confession. It’s not even clear: Am I sorry you got hurt or sorry that I hurt you? The phrase, “I’m sorry,” doesn’t risk having the other person say, “I don’t forgive you.” That’s why we say, “I’m sorry”–because we’re really not.
“I was wrong. Will you forgive me?” is scary, because:
- It lets down our defenses.
- It gives your wife a clear opportunity to retaliate.
- It forces us to reverse positions, and we might get hurt.
- It allows the depth of the offense to become clear, perhaps your wife isn’t ready to forgive.
“I’m sorry” doesn’t ask for forgiveness, but “Will you forgive me” recognizes that forgiveness isn’t something we can take for granted.
Application: So, do you want to be healed? Do you want your marriage healed? Are you willing to take the risk of becoming vulnerable in order to visualize God design for your marriage? What do you need to do TODAY as far as confession? Is there repentance that needs to take place? How many bridges have you burned? Too many? Did you violate a trust or do you leave your underwear on the floor all the time? Confession and repentance is the key with our relationship with God, think about how that works with your wife, too.
The statement above says, “When confession is a good thing.” I dare say it is always the best policy; from the heart and done quickly. Don’t allow anger and bitterness to build up.
Hey, take a look at this testimony of Joel and Susan. Well worth your time to see this.
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The Importance of Good Modeling
I saw this today and needed to pass it on. Be warned, I consider this R-rated. I don’t condone any of the ugliness you will see here, but in order to help parents see how their behaviors and attitudes are passed down to the next generation, it is extremely important to view this.
Parent Advisory Warning: this is disturbing video, and there is a vulgar gesture in one part. But if this video disturbs you, then it has been a success. Make changes as needed.
As Christian men and parents, let’s commit ourselves to move toward kindness, love, compassion, patience, peace, forgiveness, tolerance and respect… qualities which are not present in this video. “Don’t be that guy.”
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