Tag: Marriage

The Importance of Purity

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God gave man and woman the joy and pleasure of sexual relations within the bounds of marriage, and the Bible is clear about the importance of maintaining sexual purity within the boundaries of that union between man and wife (Ephesians 5:31). We take this to extremes, outside of marriage and it causes all sorts of troubles. The secular world’s philosophy of “if it feels good, do it” permeates our culture to the point where sexual purity is seen as archaic and unnecessary.

Let’s look at what God says about sexual purity.

You should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, 7).

This passage outlines God’s reasons for calling for sexual purity in the lives of His followers.

We are “sanctified” and for that reason, we are to avoid sexual immorality.

  1. The Greek word translated “sanctified” means literally “purified, made holy, consecrated [unto God].”
  2. As Christians, we are to live a purified life because we have been made holy by the exchange of our sin for the righteousness of Christ on the cross and have been made completely new creations in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17-21).
  3. Our old natures, with all their impurities, sexual and otherwise, have died and now the life we live, we live by faith in the One who died for us (Galatians 2:20).
  4. To continue in sexual impurity (fornication) is to deny that and doing so is, in fact, a legitimate reason to question whether we have ever truly been born again.
  5. Sanctification, the process by which we become more and more Christlike, is an essential evidence of the reality of our salvation.

We see the necessity of controlling our bodies.

  1. When we give in to sexual immorality, we give evidence that the Holy Spirit is not indwelling us because we do not possess one of the fruits of the Spirit—self-control.
  2. All believers display the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) to a greater or lesser degree depending on the length of time they have walked with God.
  3. Uncontrolled “passionate lust” is a work of the flesh (Galatians 5:19), not of the Spirit. So controlling our lusts and living sexually pure lives is essential to anyone who professes to know Christ. In doing so, we honor God with our bodies (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).

We know God’s rules and discipline reflect His love for us.

  1. Following what God says can only help us during our time on earth.
  2. By maintaining sexual purity before marriage, we avoid past emotional entanglements that may negatively affect present relationships and marriages.
  3. Further by keeping the marriage bed pure (Hebrews 13:4), we can experience unreserved love for our mates, which is surpassed only by God’s enormous love for us.

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The Verse for 11/11/11

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This past Saturday (November 12) the Men of Steel had a men’s breakfast, about 25 guys came to fellowship and eat together. We discussed the Manger Build and make plans. I was also able to share a verse that I read in November 11, 2011.

So now the Lord said to him, “Since you have not kept my covenant and have disobeyed my decrees, I will surely tear the kingdom away from you…” (1 Kings 11:11)

I see a challenge and a warning in this verse: On the positive side, God was speaking to Solomon even though he was not being obedient (that tells me there is hope for us, since none of us is perfect).

Look at what God says: there is a principle at work here. All Solomon had to do was stay faithful, but he was disobedient instead. The consequence was that the kingdom would be taken away from him and split in two.

As men, husbands and fathers, it is important to allow this verse to permeate our soul. It causes me to ask the question of myself: have I been obedient to what God has called me to do, as a husband and a father? The Courageous movie challenged us to resolve to be all that God wants for us to be, and that “good enough” is not acceptable.

The consequence? Could it be that our disobedience and failure to lead our families will bring about the destruction of our families? Our own little kingdom can be torn away simply because we choose to walk in disobedience. Let’s avoid this unhappy ending by walking in obedience. Be the men of God that He desires for us to be, and our wives and kids deserve. We are in this together. We do not have to walk this path alone.

Stay tuned for a re-launching of the Men of Steel.

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Our Wedding Celebration

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Saturday November 5, 2011 was one of the most joyful and proud days of my life: our son Stephen married the love of his life, Alicia Ingram.

Stephen and Alicia Chafee, November 5, 2011

Words can’t express the joy I have in my heart that Stephen has such a wonderful young woman who loves him, perhaps more than Kim and I do. Alicia is a joy and a treasure, and Stephen knows it. One thing that makes their relationship so strong is the fact that they were best friends before they became a couple.

I also can’t express in words the pride I have in Stephen for the man he has become. Last Saturday I heard person after person, friends we had known from our Woolridge Road Church days, tell me what a fine young man Stephen is. It is one thing for me to have these feelings, but it is quite another for other people to affirm what I already know.

Maybe all of us married men need to look back at our wedding day and remember all the reasons that we got married in the first place. Remember the anticipation, the fun, the fear, and the joy of journeying together as best friends and partners. Reflect on and rejoice in the wife of your youth (Proverbs 5:18), and then go tell her what she means to you.

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Are People Married for Eternity?

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What is this life all about? Is it preparation for the age to come? Where does the soul go after we depart this planet? Will there be a resurrection? If so, what is the point? Do we spend eternity in heaven with Jesus like an unending worship service? Will we still be married to the one we love? Will she be waiting on the other side, longing to be reunited? Let’s take a look at Luke 20:27-40.

“But now, as to whether the dead will be raised—even Moses proved this when he wrote about the burning bush. Long after Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob had died, he referred to the Lord as ‘the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob. Now he is not God of the dead, but of the living, for all live before him.” (Luke 20:37-38)

As Jesus taught in the temple courts, several religious leaders from the Sadducees approached him in an effort to trip him up theologically. The Sadducees were a priestly group of elite leaders who based their theology on the Torah only, the five books of Moses. That is why they did not affirm the resurrection of the dead, a view that comes out of  later sections of the Old Testament. This put the Sadducees at odds with other Jews of the time, including the Pharisees. The Sadducees believed that the soul perished along with the body. They would have answered the question “What happens after we die?” simply: “Nothing. When we die, we are dead. Period.”

In Luke 20:27-40, the Sadducees approached Jesus with a theological problem they thought invalidated the resurrection of the dead. It seems likely that they had discovered that Jesus, like the Pharisees, affirmed the resurrection doctrine. Suppose a widow remarries several times, the Sadducees proposed, when she and her husbands are resurrected, whose wife will she be? Since the Sadducees, along with all other Jews of their day, rejected the rightness of polygamy, their hypothetical situation seemed to show the foolishness of the resurrection.

Jesus responded to this challenge in a way that the Sadducees did not expect. He revealed that marriage “is for people here on earth” (Luke 20:34). In the age to come, when people are resurrected, they will not be married. Moreover, Jesus provided evidence from the Torah for the reality of life after death. The “God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob,” as revealed to Moses at the burning bush (Exodus 3:6), is the God of the living. Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob are alive in God (Luke 20:38).

Jesus’ vision of life after death can be upsetting, not only to first-century Sadducees, but also to Christians today. We sometimes assume that the after-life will include marriage as we have known it. For those of us who are deeply connected to our spouses, it’s hard to imagine an eternity without being married to the one we love. Yet, if we trust God’s goodness, we have confidence that the life of the age to come will be wondrous beyond our imagination.

When it comes to the question of what happens after we die, there is much that we don’t yet know. But we do know that we will enter into a fullness of life in God, eternal life, abundant life, life as it was meant to be.

How do you respond to Jesus’ teaching about life after death? When you think of what God’s future holds, what do you envision? What do you hope for?

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God’s Covenant of Marriage

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How does one go from a good marriage to a great marriage? A husband and wife must never lose their commitment to each other. This commitment to both your mate and your marriage goes deeper than romantic love. It empowers you to keep an unbreakable covenant with your marriage partner regardless of unexpected circumstances. Our covenant God says to us, “I will make you my wife forever,  showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion.” (Hosea 2:19).

My Covenant Commitment

C = Commit to working through problems and not walking away (1 Corinthians 7:27).

  1. Decide together that divorce is not an option.
  2. Agree to communicate feelings honestly and lovingly.

O = Offer love to your mate even when you don’t feel like it (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

  1. Evaluate how your love compares to that described in 1 Corinthians 13. Substitute your name in the place of the word “love” in verses 4-8.
  2. Pray daily for those who have hurt you—forgive and forgive again, refusing to keep a record of wrongs.

V = View your marriage as God’s setting for spiritual growth (Proverbs 15:13).

  1. Realize that God did not create any one person to meet all your needs.
  2. While God is your ultimate need-meeter, see your mate as God’s gift to meet some of those needs.

E = Eliminate any emphasis on your rights (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

  1. Identify what makes you angry.
  2. Sensitively express your honest desires—”It would mean a lot to me if you would take out the trash.”

N = Nurture your identity in Christ (Philippians 4:13).

  1. Evaluate if your sense of self-worth is based on how your mate treats you.
  2. Acknow1edge that your true identity is in Christ, not in your mate.

A = Ask God to change you (Psalm 51:10).

  1. Evaluate what areas in your life need changing.
  2. Ask your mate, “Would you name one area in my life where you feel I need the most change?”

N = Nourish your extended family relationships (Exodus 20:12).

  1. Evaluate the tangible and emotional needs of your in-laws.
  2. Consistently look for the positive in your mate’s family.

T = Turn your expectations over to God (Psalm 62:1).

  1. Evaluate the unrealistic expectations you’ve had of marriage and your mate.
  2. Realize God can bring complete fulfillment to you regardless of your marriage partner.

Your Scripture Prayer Project: Ephesians 5:21, 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, I Corinthians 13:4-5, 1 Corinthians 13:6-7, Philippians 2:2-4, 1 Peter 3:7, Ephesians 5:25, Mark 10:9

 This covenant acrostic come from June Hunt

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Desires of Husbands & Wives

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Although everyone has three God-given inner needs (for love, significance, and security), God designed the husband to have a greater need for significance, while the wife is uniquely created with a deeper need for security. A crucial element in the marriage relationship is becoming aware of your partner’s desires and learning to meet them creatively. Philippians 2:4 says, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

How Wives Fulfill Their Husbands’ Desires:

  1. Admiration (Proverbs 31:23)
    1. Praise his positive character traits.
    2. Respect his burden of responsibility.
  2. Domestic Support (Proverbs 31:27)
    1. Provide a peaceful home atmosphere.
    2. Manage the home efficiently.
  3. Companionship (Mark 10:8)
    1. Develop mutual interests together.
    2. Learn to talk knowledgeably about your husband’s occupation.
  4. Attractiveness (Proverbs 31:25)
    1. Develop inner beauty that earns respect.
    2. Display inner strength regardless of outward circumstances.
  5. Sexual Fulfillment (1 Corinthians 7:4-5)
    1. Communicate your sexual desires.
    2. Give assurance that your husband is sexually adequate.

How Husbands Fulfill Their Wives’ Desires:

  1. Affection (Song of Solomon 1:2; 2:6)
    1. Give hugs, kisses, cards, flowers, and gifts.
    2. Tell her how much you care for her.
  2. Communication (Ephesians 4:29)
    1. Listen with concern and interest.
    2. Encourage and praise her positive character traits.
  3. Honesty (Proverbs 24:26)
    1. Commit to total truthfulness.
    2. Share your true thoughts, feelings, and desires.
  4. Financial Security (1 Timothy 5:8)
    1. Shoulder the financial responsibility.
    2. Prepare a budget together to plan for the future.
  5. Commitment (Hebrews 13:4)
    1. Schedule quality and quantity time alone with her.
    2. Make your wife and family your highest earthly priority.

This is information I discovered from June Hunt, the founder and CEO of Hope for the Heart.

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Causes of a Broken Marriage

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Many people enter marriage expecting “personal payoffs.” Eventually, these unrealistic expectations become lost hopes and dreams that grow a root of bitterness. Hebrews 12:15 states, “See to it that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

Couples expect marriage will always provide:

  1. Love and acceptance
  2. Affection and sexual intimacy
  3. A loving family
  4. Rescue from present circumstances
  5. Financial security
  6. Social acceptance
  7. Protection from loneliness
  8. Time to change a mate’s behavior

When these unrealistic expectations are unfulfilled, many spouses say:

  1. “Life is too short to live like this. We’ll both be happier apart.”
  2. “This was not a marriage made in heaven. We should never have married.”
  3. “I’ve tried everything—our situation is hopeless.”
  4. “You’re wrong. You’ll never change!”
  5. “Everybody’s getting divorced—marriage doesn’t matter anymore.”
  6. “It’s better for the children if I leave, to protect them from the arguing.”
  7. “I’ll never be happy here, but I’ll try to stay until the children are grown.”

Instead of living with unrealistic expectations regarding what you don’t have, be grateful to God for what you do have. First Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

The Key to a Biblical Marriage?

Mutual submission is based on your love for the Lord and your desire to do His will. Because of your love for God, you both must learn to defer to the desires of each other. Ephesians 5:21 says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

This is information I discovered from June Hunt, the founder and CEO of Hope for the Heart.

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Five Troubled Marriages

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God uses marriage as a chisel to chip away your character flaws. Rick Warren once tweeted something like “marriage is the original on the job training.” The only guidebook is the Bible, and so many people don’t crack it open.  God intends both partners to move from selfish to sacrificial behavior, reflecting the sacrificial love of Christ. If selfishness creeps in, marriage is in trouble. I read this information by June Hunt, which gives the characteristics of five troubled marriages:

The Make-believe Marriage—lacking honest and intimate communication by:

  1. Not working through problems (stubbornness)
  2. Not accepting responsibility (defensiveness)
  3. Not acknowledging your mate’s feelings (rejection)
  4. Not concerned about your mate’s needs (self-centeredness)
  5. Not displaying affection (apathy)

Make-believe marriages are marriages in name only. To enjoy intimate communication is to be as concerned about your partner’s needs as about your own. Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.”

The Maladjusted Marriage—experiencing sexual difficulties because of:

  1. Frigidity (fearfulness)—from false guilt, sexual abuse, psychological problems
  2. Impatience (insensitivity)—being demanding, coercive
  3. Infidelity (selfishness)—indulging in adultery, pornography
  4. Fatigue (exhaustion)—caused by excessive busyness or overcommitment
  5. Anger (bitterness)—unforgiveness, manipulation

Maladjusted marriages fail to experience the unique expression of physical oneness. As an act of love, God’s design is that both partners yield their bodies to one another. True sexual fulfillment comes through seeking to provide pleasure to the other. The Bible says, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife’ (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).

The Mixed-up Marriage—having conflicting values over:

  1. Opposing religious beliefs
  2. Opposing parental responsibilities
  3. Opposing marital commitments
  4. Opposing friendship choices
  5. Opposing moral principles

Mixed-up marriages produce power struggles, tension, and criticism. With basic values in conflict, the couple has great difficulty developing oneness of mind, heart, and will. However, Philippians 2:2 says, “Make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.”

The Money-troubled Marriage—experiencing financial disagreements over:

  1. How family income will be earned. . .and spent
  2. How credit cards will be used
  3. How credit card misuse will be handled
  4. How the budget will be followed
  5. How the lack of money for essentials will be handled

Conflicting answers to these questions and other financial difficulties can result in an unhealthy focus on money and material needs. However Hebrews 13:5 says, “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have.”

The Misaligned Marriage—failing to recognize/respond to God-given roles

Failure of the husband:

  1. To be a spiritual leader
  2. To be financially responsible
  3. To make wise decisions
  4. To seek to solve problems
  5. To be attentive to his wife

Failure of the wife:

  1. By not having a gentle spirit
  2. By trying to control her husband
  3. By becoming involved in power struggles
  4. By withdrawing emotionally
  5. By being bitter and sarcastic

God’s design is for the husband to feel significant through providing for his family and receiving the respectful love of his wife. He fulfills her need to feel secure through his love, acceptance, and sensitivity to her desires. It may sound old fashioned, but these verses are right out of the Bible. Once we have a proper understanding of love and submission, it’s not such a bad deal. Ephesians 5 paints the picture:

“And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her ” (Ephesians 5:21-23,25).

This is information I discovered from June Hunt, the founder and CEO of Hope for the Heart.

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