Category: Marriage

God’s Purposes for Marriage

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In an age when many young people choose to live together rather than actually “tie the knot,” the question is always raised, “why?” What is the point of marriage? Why is marriage such a big deal?

What are God’s Purposes for Marriage?

  1. The first reason that the Bible gives for the existence of marriage is simple: Adam was lonely and needed a helper (Genesis 2:18): This is the primary purpose of marriage—fellowship, companionship, and mutual help and comfort.
  2. Another purpose of marriage is to create a stable home in which children can grow and thrive: The best marriage is between two believers (2 Corinthians 6:14) who can produce godly children (Malachi 2:13-15). BTW, this Malachi passage shows how much God cares about marriage being kept intact. A good marriage between two godly people will mean that any children they have will tend to be godly as well.
  3. Marriage also protects individuals from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 7:2): The world we live in is full of sexual images, innuendo, and temptation. Even if a person doesn’t pursue sexual sin, it pursues them, and it is very hard to escape it. Marriage provides a healthy place to express sexuality, without opening yourself up to the severe emotional (and many times physical) damage that is caused by casual, non-committed sexual relationships.
  4. Marriage is a vivid picture of the relationship between Christ and His church: The body of believers that make up the Church are collectively called bride of Christ. As Bridegroom, Jesus gave His life for His bride, “to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word” (Ephesians 5:25-26), and His selfless act provides an example for all husbands. At the Second Coming of Christ, the church will be united with the Bridegroom, the official “wedding ceremony” will take place and, with it, the eternal union of Christ and His bride will be actualized (Revelation 19:7-9; 21:1-2).

So, we see that God has a unique purpose for marriage. In the same way that Christ sacrificially gave Himself to the church, you and your mate should be willing to sacrifice your individual desires for the sake of your marriage covenant. Here is a brief summary of the purposes of marriage.

Partnership: God has given you each other as partners for life—true companionship grows when there is emotional, spiritual and physical unity. Malachi 2:14 emphasizes, “She is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.”

Parenting: God’s first scriptural command was for Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply, filling the earth with godly offspring. “God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28). Oddly enough, this is the only command of God that mankind has not disobeyed.

Pleasure: The marriage relationship and your mate are God’s special gifts to you.  God is not a cosmic kill-joy. Sex is a good thing, face it, but God has some limitations on it for two reasons:

  1. To protect us: like from disease, death, reputation and heartache.
  2. To provide the best for us: like having no thoughts of previous encounters haunting, interrupting and comparing your experiences with your wife.

True enjoyment will grow out of self-control and a servant’s heart. Proverbs 5:18 says, “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18).

This is information I discovered from June Hunt, the founder and CEO of Hope for the Heart.

God’s Pattern for Marriage

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I always want to pass on relevant information that I run across, and for the Men of Steel, it generally has to do with being the best husbands and fathers we can be. The following information is from June Hunt, the founder and CEO of Hope for the Heart:

Why do some marriages endure and others not? Why do some couples struggle and others not? What one factor makes the greatest difference and prevents so many marriages from failing? It’s the word covenant. The concept of covenant is a long, winding path that ends when “death do us part.” The marriage covenant is a couple’s lifetime commitment—a lifetime journey of love and loyalty. Jesus states it well: “They are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6).

What is God’s Pattern for Marriage?

Marriage is a covenant agreement in which a man and a woman are legally and spiritually joined together as husband and wife. Genesis 2:24-25 establishes the four elements in God’s perfect order for marriage.

Separation: “a man will leave his father and mother”
Both the husband and wife leave the authority of their parents and become a separate family unit. In marriage, the loyalty to your parents should never be stronger than the loyalty to your spouse.

Bonding: “and be united to his wife”
By an act of your will, bonding is a mental commitment to have a faithful, permanent marriage relationship with your spouse regardless of difficulties.

Oneness: “they will become one flesh”
Physical oneness is the ultimate consummation of sexual closeness. For this sexual oneness to be continually mutually satisfying, look for ways to express unselfish love to each other. Openly ask, “What best communicates love to you?” and then take the time to enjoy one another.

Intimacy: “they felt no shame”
Emotional intimacy is encouraged when you seek to be vulnerable and transparent, honestly sharing with one another your feelings of frustration and failure, your deepest disappointments and desires.

Spiritual intimacy is achieved when you continue to reveal to one another your unmet needs, praying together, praying for each other and sharing what God is doing in your lives.

Priorities in Marriage

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No one has it all together in their marriage. We are like pilgrims on a journey trying to figure out how to survive and thrive in this most important human relationship. The point is that God has called us to love our wives like Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25-26). The point is that it is quite difficult to love anyone else that much. Christ loved the church so much that he died for us all. You may also love your wife enough to die for her, but do you love her enough to live for her. That is the great challenge. That takes sacrifice.

Priorities and Unity:

Have you ever been at a place in your marriage where you and your wife were not aligned in your priorities? Maybe you wanted to focus on items 1, 3, and 5, but she thought items 2, 4, and 6 should be given higher priority. This can quickly begin a cycle of strife and stress that will not be resolved until root issues causing the division are dealt with.

I read recently that much marriage division is the result of DI-vision (meaning two visions). My vision is different from her vision. I see things from one perspective, and she sees them from another. I place greater importance on certain things, while she places higher importance on something else.

I have found that talking things through, thinking aloud together, and trying not to be overly defensive with “my position” can help. Men need to share “why” they feel a certain way about a matter, while she should try to see things from our perspective.

Doing this may not resolve differences in quickly, (but then again it might) so it’s worth trying. We also need to pray and seek Divine guidance in the areas of our division. There may be fears, insecurities, or other areas of sin that need to be confessed and corrected. It may help to get together with another couple you both respect and share with them the challenges you are facing in your marriage.

Honoring Your Wife:

Finally, we husbands are advised to honor our wives:

In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7).

Let’s not get sidetracked on the “weaker” comment, but notice that how you treat your wife will influence your spiritual life… like hinder your prayers!

If your marriage is challenging right now, is there any way in which you are not honoring your wife? Are you giving her the value that is due her as a woman, wife and mother?

What Makes a Happy Marriage?

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I Love my wife, I guess you already knew that. Kim and I have been married for almost 29 years, and one thing I have realized is that words like commitment, security, friendship and shared values are much more influential in a marriage than outward appearance and sexual activity. I’m surprised she stays with me because I’m not much to look at, a bit overweight, don’t make a whole lot of money, spend too much time at work and am physically broken which limits some of my activity. We have something that the world does not understand. When I think about love, this verse comes to mind:

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Love is not just all things erotic as we see in our culture. Love is not really that warm fuzzy feeling when she walks in the room. Love is a verb. All that Paul describes in this love passage involves action.

In our culture, marriages are falling apart. In fact, according to recent statistics, one out of two marriages will end in divorce. The magazine, Psychology Today (June, 1985) had an article called “Marriages Made to Last,” which gave the results of a survey by Jeanette and Robert Lauer of 300 couples with successful marriages. Here are the top reasons, in order of frequency, that the respondents gave when asked what kept them together.

Remarkably, the top seven were identical for men and women:

  1. My spouse is my best friend.
  2. I like my spouse as a person.
  3. Marriage is a long-term commitment.
  4. Marriage is sacred.
  5. We agree on aims and goals.
  6. My spouse has grown more interesting.
  7. I want the relationship to succeed.

Other reasons included “We laugh together,” “We agree on a philosophy of life,” “An enduring marriage is important to social stability,” and others.

I couldn’t help but notice that these reasons are totally consistent with biblical principles and opposite to the message of our culture. Popular songs, books, and shows emphasize superficiality and sexual stamina (notice any Cealis commercials lately?), but these successful couples spoke about liking the other person and about being friends. Society implies that relationships happen quickly, but these folks said that love takes time, and that there must be a long-term commitment.

Contemporary views of love are self-centered, expecting the other person to meet my needs, but these couples say that real, lasting love involves work and the desire to make the marriage succeed. For many, divorce is not even on the table.

Years ago (and today in other cultures) parents would arrange their children’s marriages. In those situations, both bride and groom knew that they would have to learn to love the person they married. I think we have turned it around. Instead of “loving the person we marry,” with our self-centered emphasis, we say we must “marry the person we love.” So we look and date and try relationships to find our romantic ideal, the one “just right” for us.

Let’s not return to the days of arranged marriages, but we must return to the truth that love means commitment,  that it must be learned, that it is a verb and means action. Check out 1 Corinthians 13 for a vivid description of true love. Let’s learn from these successful couples and dedicate ourselves to real love based on commitment and unselfish action.

Communication in Marriage

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I’ll be the first to admit that I am not an expert in marriage; but Kim and I have a strong commitment to each other which brings security in our relationship. In my reading and research I discovered this information to be concise and quite interesting, regarding Communication in Marriage.

Introduction:

Marriage counselors agree: Most, if not all, marriage problems are rooted in poor communication. We often act in our marriages as though we are soloists, singing alone and beholden to nobody. But marriage is a duet, not a solo. And the Song of Solomon shows us a real life marriage filled with the music of intimate, personal, and open communication.

Communication Levels:

Here’s the stark truth about communication in marriage: You will communicate, or your marriage will disintegrate. And marriages today that are on the rocks are there because of poor communication. Experts say there are five levels of communication:

Frivolous Level: This is the communication we experience daily in our casual relationships. The weather, the latest scores, clothes, and the like – we do this often and think about it rarely. It’s communication on “automatic pilot.”

Factual Level: This is a little more content oriented than frivolous communication. Factual communication digs a little deeper into the knowledge of various subjects. There’s still no real personal involvement.

Fellowship Level: Now, we’re beginning to get a little personal. We share ideas, judgments, and philosophies. We begin to risk rejection for our beliefs.

Feeling Level: In this kind of communication, we go a step deeper. We not only share ideas and core beliefs but we share our feelings about those beliefs. We let others know how important they are to us. This is much riskier, and it’s about as deep as most people ever get with each other.

Freedom Level: This is the deepest level of communication. We are completely open with our mate. We share our deepest dreams, fears, ideas, and feelings – without fear of rejection. The word “intimacy” comes from the Latin intimuce. It means “innermost.” And truly intimate communication encompasses all those dreams, beliefs, and feelings you wouldn’t share with anybody else. Freedom level communication is the secret of lasting love.

When the Bible speaks of a husband and wife coming together in the act of marriage, it says, so and so “knew his wife.” To be completely known and still be loved is the supreme goal of marriage. That’s true intimacy. Every marriage needs it to survive.

Application:

Intimate communication won’t happen without some adjustments, especially on the part of men. In most troubled marriages, the men won’t talk. I read about a woman who said that the only time her husband speaks is when he wants food or sex. That’s wrong. Men need to talk, whether they want to or not.

I was at a men’s conference last year and one of the best pieces of advice I heard was in a marriage seminar, where the facilitator challenged the men to ask one simple statement when your wife is telling you about her day… “Tell me more.” It may be hard after a long day at the office and all you want in peace and quiet, but this statement allows you to hear what she has to say without kicking in the male “fix it” mode. Just listen and affirm, you don’t have to fix it.

A husband’s silence is the culprit in most family communication problems. The wife, who craves communication, pushes her husband into a corner just to get him talking. She pushes and pushes, and Pow! He explodes. Ironically, this is often better to the wife than silence. At least she has his full attention. I’m not saying she intends to pick a fight. But deep down within her there is something that prefers argument to silence. She wants communication. That’s understandable. That’s how God made her.

Have you noticed how many books there are on marriage? On intimacy? On communication? Here’s the problem: The people who need them don’t read them! Women read them, but men, who truly need to adjust to their wives’ communication needs, don’t.

This is understandable. There are natural barriers to men communicating with the intimacy their wives desire. And wives need to take that into account and make some adjustments.

Consider the articles found in women’s magazines: “Five Ways to Develop Closeness in Your Marriage” and “How to Have Harmony in the Home” and “Achieving Intimacy With Your Lover.” Now what do men read about in their magazines? “How to Remodel Your Garage” and “How to Double Your Gas Mileage” and “How to Make It Big in the Stock Market.”

Yes, there are differences between men and women that affect marital communication. Some of these stem from the fact that we are raised differently. Boys are taught not to cry, not to show emotion. Part of the macho self reliance myth is silence, which supposedly communicates complete self-control.

These differences between men and women should give us all a healthy amount of understanding toward the struggles of our spouses. But they shouldn’t stop us from trying, with the power of the Holy Spirit, to imitate the intimacy between Solomon and his spouse. We’ll never arrive at perfection. But the closer we get, the happier our homes will be.

Just Lead Me

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There is a great debate on roles within a marriage. The issue probably causes more conflict than anything else since people will often enter marriage with differing expectations. Those more conservative tend to focus on the leadership of the husband and father and the submission of the wife; those more egalitarian see the marriage as a partnership with no one person being the head or the leader. A partnership is a great way to go (Philippians 2:3-4, Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:25, 28, 31, 33), the two becoming one. I heard an old preacher once say that “anything with no head is dead and anything with two heads is a freak.” So without getting into that debate, (although I probably opened myself up for one) I have discovered that leadership is often misunderstood.

If a wife and mother says to her husband, “I wish you would take on more of a role of spiritual leader in our home,” I can guarantee she is not saying that she desires for him to be the boss over her, make decisions for the family, or tell her what she can do or where she can go, what to believe, what to cook, how to dress, how to raise the children, or how often she needs to make time for him. If a husband really leads and loves his wife as Christ loved the church, there is no way to lead with such abuse, bossiness or selfishness.

Look at the context of her statement. How many wives attend church alone and bring the children into God’s house without her husband? Or maybe when he comes, he’s thinking more about the game this afternoon than about how the truths he is hearing can change his life, his marriage and his kids? I suspect that what she desires is that her husband lead spiritually by taking the initiative to pray together, to go to church together, to demonstrate the love of God in the home and set the pace for her and the children.

I’m haunted by the lyrics of this Sanctus Real song and thought you all might allow God to speak to you through these lyrics. If you want to hear the song, [ Click Here ]

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying…

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They’re just children from the outside
I’m working hard, I tell myself they’ll be fine
They’re in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying…

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I’m called to be
Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won’t You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can’t
Don’t want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I’ll show them I’m willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone

Father, lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone.

Men, that last section is addressed to the Father. Read it again, we cannot do this alone. Don’t leave you wife and kids hungry for love. Don’t let them stand alone because people stumble and fall when they are alone. Remind your wife that she is the love of your life. Tell your kids just how important they are to you. Make time for the important things in life.

Be Imitators of Me?

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Did you know that in the original language of the Bible, there is no punctuation? No capitalization, no periods, no paragraphs… not even any chapter and verse numbers. My Bible passage today reflects how those items were later arranged, and sometimes not very well. But the statement is as true today as it was for the original readers in the first century.

To put this into context. I want you to think about your family and raising your kids. Take a look at 1 Corinthians 10:31-11:1

Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ. – (1 Corinthians 11:1)

In his final word on the whole issue of eating meat offered to idols, Paul tells the Corinthians, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1). Notice how 1 Corinthians 11:1 really goes at the end of 1 Corinthians 10:33. Historically, this statement reflects a classic view of education and discipleship. The teacher instructs, not just through words, but also through his actions. Jesus, for example, chose his closest disciples to be with him (Mark 3:13-14) so that they might hear his teaching and so that they might observe his behavior in order to imitate it.

But Paul tells these Corinthians, not just to model themselves after Jesus, but he challenges them to also imitate him (as he imitates Christ). When I first read this, I felt it might seem a little arrogant. Why not just say “Be imitators of Christ”? Who does Paul think he is?

Well, he thinks he is one who has been sent by God to bring the Gentiles into relationship with Jesus Christ and to help them to grow in that relationship with Christ. In this role, Paul is not just the deliverer of the message, but also the living example of the message. We see this clearly in Paul’s letter to the Thessalonians: “Our message of the gospel came to you not in word only, but also in power and in the Holy Spirit and with full conviction; just as you know what kind of persons we proved to be among you for your sake. And you became imitators of us and of the Lord.” (1 Thessalonians 1:5-6)

How would you respond if Skip or I stood up on Sunday and said, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ?” Would that seem arrogant? Out of place? Or would that be exactly the kind of pastoral leader you need, and that God will bless?

How about in your family? Can you stand before your wife and children and say, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ?” It’s not to say that you are perfect, but that you are a man seeking God and following Christ, learning of Christ and actively embracing the “with Him” principle (Mark 3:13-14).

The fact that we fail at times (to be the example of Christ) does not invalidate the effort. Those who lead do so, not only through words, but also through actions.

So ask yourself:

  1. How would you respond if one of your leaders actually said, “Be imitators of me as I am of Christ?”
  2. Why would you respond this way?
  3. Have you ever said anything like this? Why or why not?
  4. Where in life has God called you to be an example of the truth, someone who imitates Christ so that others might be more Christ-like by imitating you?

Holy Living and Submission

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The topic of Submission and the command for holy living may not be very popular these days, but this Sunday we will take a look at both, from 1 Peter 3:1-7.

  1. What have you admired about your grandparents’ marriage, or some other older couple? Think of someone who displays inner strength and beauty. What have you learned from that person?
  2. How do you define submission by wives (1 Peter 3:1)? How are husbands to live “in the same way” (1 Peter 3:7)?
  3. In a society where wives were rated among the slaves, what can you find that is progressive about Peter’s marriage principles in 1 Peter 3:1-7? This is a topic that is hard for many Americans to grasp. Note the phrase in 1 Peter 3:1, “in the same way.” How does that help us understand submission (refer back to 1 Peter 2:23)? Can it be that a wife entrusts herself to her husband in the marriage vows, submitting herself to her husband’s care? This does not allow any form of cruelty, emotional or physical abuse, since Peter’s instruction to husbands is to treat them with respect. Submission and respect go together. A husband who respects his wife cannot make her a doormat. A wife who commands respect will not allow it.
  4. What reasons did Peter give for acting according to these principles? For wives (1 Peter 3:1). How can believing wives win their unbelieving husbands to Christ? What may be difficulties spouses of unbelievers encounter? For husbands (1 Peter 3:7). That you prayers will not be hindered?
  5. Why is inner beauty precious to God? List some ways we can cultivate inner beauty.
  6. What can we learn from women, like Sarah, who lived long ago (1 Peter 3:5-6)? Key passages on Sarah include Genesis 12:1-5. Name some of the difficulties Abraham’s obedience may have caused for Sarah. She had to leave her home, her friends, her family; suffer hardship and even risk her life because her husband obeyed God.
  7. In what general ways do other people benefit when believers live holy, pure lives?

An Inspirational Thought:

The holiness we are to exhibit is not our own, but the holiness of Christ in us. We are not holy, and we will not become holy humans. Christ in us can manifest His holiness if we will yield our flesh to Him. This is not a human operation; it is a spiritual one. Jesus installs His holiness in us by grace. Not a once-for-all-time transaction, this is a daily, moment-by-moment striving to live more by the Spirit and less by the flesh.

… A friend bought his daughter a new car, but it must sit in the garage until she reaches the legal driving age. Until her sixteenth birthday she only has partial use of the car, when accompanied by an adult. Similarly, holiness is like a gift already purchased for us (by the blood of Christ), but we cannot have full use of it until a certain date in the future (our glorification).

Becoming holy is a process which includes God’s part and our part. On one hand, our part is to stay out of God’s part—to yield, to surrender, to stop seeking God on our own terms. But our part also is to obey. It is to enter His rehabilitation program.

When you put yourself under a doctor’s care, he cannot help you if you don’t follow his instructions. As the patient surrenders his own good ideas and obeys the doctor’s instruction, he becomes well. The same is true in sanctification. If you and I want to be made holy, then we must willingly surrender ourselves to His care, and we must also actively obey His instructions.

We have no more power to make ourselves holy than a dying man has to save himself. We are weak and tired, and we cannot offer much help. However, we can submit to His rehabilitation program—sanctification. The key to our part is faith—to seek Him in obedience.

(From Walking with Christ in the Details of Life by Patrick Morley)

  1. How can we demonstrate holiness with our lives? Some additional verses you may want to include are Ephesians 4:22-24 (put off the old self and put on the new self) and Paul describes what holy living looks like in Ephesians 4:25-32); 1 Timothy 2:1-4 (prayer, quiet living, godliness, dignity); Hebrews 12:14 (pursue peace, and sanctification).
  2. Why is it important to realize that becoming holy is a process, not a one-time event?
  3. What is God’s part and what is our responsibility in the sanctification process (Philippians 2:12-13)?
  4. Walking in his steps often leads to submission, and even to suffering. In spite of hardship, how might you choose this route?
  5. What is one area in the foreseeable future where you could practice Christ-like submission? And how will you do that?

If There’s Time:

  1. Why do we pay more attention to what people do than to what they say?
  2. List some ways we focus more on enhancing our outward appearance than developing our inner character.
  3. What about our lives will attract people to Christ?

More Bible passages on holy living, see Leviticus 11:44–45; 1 Corinthians 1:2, 30; 1 Thessalonians 4:3–7; 2 Timothy 1:8–9; Hebrews 10:10–14; 1 Peter 1:14–16; 2 Peter 3:11.