Author: Scott Chafee

Scott serves on staff at King’s Grant Baptist Church in Virginia Beach.

Marks of a Healthy Small Group

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Last year I read a book by Chuck Swindoll called, The Church Awakening. It is a great read and I will one day write about many of those insights. Acts chapter two is the platform for a lot of what we understand about the first church. Today I’m thinking about small groups in the church, so here are seven marks of a healthy small group, based on Acts 2:42-47.

1. Healthy Small Groups Study the Bible: Small groups in the New Testament studied the Bible together. Acts 2:42 says, “They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching …” Of course, we know the teaching of the apostles is what we call the New Testament today. They lived in an oral culture but they were still studying lessons from the apostles.

I have recently discussed with Skip the possibility of publishing Talking Points or Points to Ponder to further get into the Bible. These pages can be distributed, printed out and used by small groups during the week. These will include questions related to the Scriptures and sermon they heard on Sunday with additional verses to consider.

The idea is for people to focus on one Bible truth at a time. People can handle only so many new truth units each week (like a truth from the sermon, one from the Sunday School lesson, one from a devotional). Too often we teach too much. If someone goes to church whenever the doors are open, they can end up with perhaps a dozen different Bible truths. You may be thinking, “My life can’t change that much” so let me focus on a truth that supports the largest church activity, worship.

2. Healthy Small Groups Share Life Together: The book of Acts says the early believers were devoted to fellowship (Acts 2:42), which means they were serious about their friendships. Notice the Bible says they were devoted to the fellowship, not just to fellowship. In other words, fellowship is not just something the church does; we are the fellowship.

Jesus calls us to be committed to one another (I’ll post something about all the “one another” verses at a later date). It is through small groups that we learn the skills of relationship. Small groups are laboratories of love, where we learn to obey the command of Jesus to love your neighbor as you love yourself.

3. Healthy Small Groups Remember Jesus Together: The Bible says the early believers devoted themselves “to the breaking of bread and to prayer” (Acts 2:42). The “breaking of bread” in this passage specifically refers to the Lord’s Supper or Communion. In the early Church, they did not take Communion in a large worship setting. They served it in small groups. Communion is only for believers, so a small group setting helps make sure only believers will take part.

4. Healthy Small Groups Pray Together: The Bible says the early believers devoted themselves to prayer (Acts 2:42). Jesus taught that there is a power to prayers spoken aloud for each other, and he made an incredible promise about small groups of believers: “For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst” (Matthew 18:20). In the intimacy and confidentiality of small groups, we can pray for each other as we share our hurts, reveal our feelings, confess our failures, disclose our doubts, admit our fears, acknowledge our weaknesses, and ask for help.

5. Healthy Small Groups are Generous: The Bible says these small groups gave “to anyone who had need” (Acts 2:45). Small groups allow us to help each other with practical needs. Can I loan you a car? Can I provide you with some meals when you are sick? We tend to centralize ministries, creating a food pantry or a counseling center, but this wasn’t the New Testament model. The early Church had decentralized ministries, getting the help directly to where the needs are.

6. Healthy Small Groups Worship Together: The Bible says the New Testament small groups worshiped together, “praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people” (Acts 2:47). We need to worship God more than once a week, and small groups offer an opportunity to worship together.

7. Healthy small groups witness together: As these small groups met together, “the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved” (Acts 2:47). They were inviting others to join them. One of the proofs of a healthy small group is that it reproduces for two reasons: so a small group may add members, and so a small group may also birth (or help start) another small group.

Small groups can be creative in outreach. Rick Warren tells of a story where one small group pooled their money and bought season tickets for the San Diego Chargers (for everyone in the group, but they also bought some extra tickets). They go together to each game, but they also use the extra tickets to invite others to come with the group. They don’t start a Bible study at the game; they just have fun, but that allows them to say, “This same group meets on Tuesday nights for Bible study. Would you like to join us?”

At King’s Grant we have no rooms to start new classes, so we are now forced to get creative. I can’t wait to see where God will lead us as we get back to the basics of small groups meeting outside of our 9:45 Sunday School hour.

When God Has Other Plans

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We spend most of our younger years planning our lives… which college, which degree, job choices, spouse choices, where to live, what to drive, where to vacation, retirement goals. What happens when all of a sudden you realize that all your plans and dreams have fallen short of your expectations? Perhaps you find yourself somewhere totally different than what you had planned? Let’s look at the prophet Ezekiel.

The Introduction: Ezekiel ministered to his generation who were very sinful and totally hopeless. Through his prophetic ministry he attempted to bring the people to immediate repentance and to confidence in the distant future when God would bring the people back to the promised land. He taught that:

  1. God works through human messengers
  2. Even in defeat and despair God’s people need to affirm God’s sovereignty
  3. God’s Word never fails
  4. God is present and can be worshiped anywhere
  5. People must obey God if they expect to receive blessings
  6. God’s Kingdom will come

Take a look at this passage of the Bible:

On July 31 of my thirtieth year, while I was with the Judean exiles beside the Kebar River in Babylon, the heavens were opened and I saw visions of God. This happened during the fifth year of King Jehoiachin’s captivity.  (The LORD gave this message to Ezekiel son of Buzi, a priest, beside the Kebar River in the land of the Babylonians, and he felt the hand of the LORD take hold of him.) (Ezekiel 1:1-3)

The first three verses of Ezekiel introduce us to the prophet and his unexpected calling. In Ezekiel 1:1, the prophet explains the context of his encounter with God. He was thirty years old and in Babylon with other Jewish exiles. They had settled along the Kebar River, and there, Ezekiel tells us, “I saw visions of God.”

Ezekiel 1:3 was added by an anonymous editor of Ezekiel’s book, in order to help the reader understand more about the prophet and his peculiar calling (notice the parentheses in the text). We learn interesting information…

  1. We learn that Ezekiel was a priest, the son of Buzi.
  2. We learn that the word of the Lord “came expressively” (NASB) on him and the Lord “took hold of him.”
  3. We learn that it was “in the fifth year after King Jehoiachin’s deportation”
    1. The year would be 593 B.C. (see 2 Kings 24:8-17)
    2. The date would be July 31, The text actually says, “On the fifth day of the fourth month,” but refers to the ancient Hebrew lunar calendar. A number of dates in Ezekiel can be cross-checked with dates in surviving Babylonian records and related accurately to our modern calendar. So the NLT tells us this event occurred on July 31 of that year.

The Irony: It would be easy to miss an ironic and moving element in this parenthetical introduction. Ezekiel 1:1 indicates all this happened in the thirtieth year, which was likely Ezekiel’s age at the time. As a priest (Ezekiel 1:3), he would have had the extreme honor of serving in the temple in Jerusalem (Numbers 4:3, see below). No doubt he spent much of his young life looking forward to this opportunity. He would have been eligible for priestly service when he turned thirty years old, but his hopes were dashed because he was exiled to Babylon during the time when he could have been serving in the temple. It’s not hard to imagine Ezekiel’s disappointment with how his life turned out.

The Interpretation: God had other plans for Ezekiel. When the priest turned thirty, the Lord began to reveal amazing visions to him. God spoke to him and told him to speak his word to God’s people. Ezekiel would have the chance to serve God in a most influential and difficult way, as a prophet of judgment and hope. God took Ezekiel’s plans and reinterpreted how he would be of service to the kingdom.

The Intersection: God has plans for each one of us and at times his plan must intersect with our plans. Sometimes God’s plans line up with our expectations, but often, they surprise us. We have plans for our life, but God may have other plans. His plans are always the best, though they might come in the midst of disappointment, discouragement and difficulty. They might also lead us into greater challenges than we would have chosen for ourselves.

The Inspiration: God wants to use you for his purposes, perhaps as he once used Ezekiel. How will you respond to his call for a new direction or ministry? How will you respond to the call of God on your life, family and work? Are you willing to hear what God wants you to do, even if it’s not what you were expecting?

NOTE on the age of service for a priest: Numbers 4:3 tells us that the priest begins his service age age 30, and must retire at age 50. But also notice that Numbers 8:24, 25 indicates that 25 is the minimum age for service. So, what’s up? It is likely that age 25 began the priest’s five year apprenticeship, before he was fully prepared to be a leader.

America's Prayer of Repentance

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I have these words framed on my office wall, it is a prayer of repentance for America. As I read these words, my heart is broken over the direction our country has turned. Can God bless America again?

Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and seek your direction and guidance. We know your Word says, “Woe to those who call evil good,” but that’s exactly what we’ve done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and inverted our values. We confess that…

We have ridiculed the absolute truth of your Word and called it moral pluralism.

We have worshiped other gods and called it multiculturalism.

We have endorsed perversion and called it an alternative lifestyle.

We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.

We have neglected the needy and called it self-preservation.

We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.

We have killed our unborn and called it choice.

We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.

We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building esteem.

We have abused power and called it political savvy.

We have coveted our neighbors’ possessions and called it ambition.

We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.

We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us O God and know our hearts today; try us and see if there be some wicked way in us; cleanse us from every sin and set us free.

Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent here by the people of Kansas, and who have been ordained by you, to govern this great state.

Grant them your wisdom to rule and may their decisions direct us to the center of your will. I ask it in the name of your son, the living savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

This is the text of the original prayer delivered January 23, 1996 by Pastor Joe Wright to the Kansas House of Representatives in Topeka.

Guidlines for Healthy Grieving

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There are ways to grieve that are unhealthy, and there are health ways to move through your journey of grief. Here is some information adapted from June Hunt, founder of Hope for the Heart.

“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.” (Proverbs 27:12)

The path for recovery requires ministering to body, soul, and spirit to diminish painful emotions and find your way out of the ditch of despondency. A new path can be charted on which renewed peace is possible and Christ-like maturity is manifested even in the most grievous circumstances.

Emotional Guidelines:

  1. Cultivate a strong, sensitive support system: Having people around who genuinely care about you is essential; people who accept you wherever you are in the grieving process and encourage you to share your feelings. (Proverbs 27:17)
  2. Cultivate the freedom to cry: Expressing emotions honestly, openly, and as frequently as needed is vital to walking through grief in a healthy, productive way. (Psalm 126:5)
  3. Cultivate a plan for socializing regularly: One way to feel good about life, even while mourning, is attending social activities and interacting with others on a regular basis. (Hebrews 10:25)
  4. Cultivate a trustworthy, honest confidante: Being able to be yourself with someone and share your struggles, troubled thoughts, and swinging emotions—and still be accepted and affirmed—is healing to the soul. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)
  5. Cultivate the release of resentment: If you have unresolved issues, anger, or hostile feelings regarding your loss, take the time to list your resentments along with their causes. Journaling can bring buried emotions to the surface. Release into the hands of God each offender and the pain of each offense. Pray that the Lord will help you to release bitterness and resentment so you can make progress on your journey of healing. (Ephesians 4:32)

Physical Guidelines:

  1. Get a sufficient amount of rest: Grieving often disturbs regular sleep patterns and disrupts prolonged periods of sleeping, so getting sufficient rest during the grieving process is often a challenge—but doing so is critically important to the body. (Exodus 33:14)
  2. Get a generous intake of fluid and eat a balanced nutritional diet: Because the sense of thirst frequently goes unnoticed during the grieving process, drinking nonalcoholic and caffeine-free fluids is important. Eat daily portions of food from each of the basic food groups and avoid skipping meals. Don’t become dependent on eating junk foods, smoking, or drinking alcohol. (2 Kings 19:7-8)
  3. Get daily exercise: Regular exercise is a natural deterrent to feeling depressed and contributes to feeling a sense of well-being. Exercise carries oxygen to the blood and promotes overall good health. (1 Timothy 4:8)
  4. Get big doses of sunshine: Taking a walk in the sunlight is another natural way to fight depression. Light coming in through the eyes stimulates the brain to send a message to the body to release antidepressant endorphins. (Ecclesiastes 11:7)

Spiritual Guidelines:

  1. Develop a purposeful prayer life: The grieving process provides a strong impetus for “getting down to business” with God. Have candid conversations with Him about your thoughts and feelings. Listen to Him and lean on Him for comfort and reassurance. (Psalm 119:26).
  2. Develop a positive, practical perspective: Maintaining a positive mental attitude based on the practical application of spiritual truths during the grieving process carries you to victory even through the darkest valley and the deepest loss. (Philippians 4:8)
  3. Develop a sense of peace about the past: Resolve any unfinished business regarding the past by asking forgiveness of God for any failures on your part and by extending forgiveness for any failures on the part of others. Then let go of the past and embrace the present and the future God has planned for you. (1 John 1:9)
  4. Develop a Scripture-memorization method: God spoke the world into existence, and the Bible is powerful enough to create new life and to restore joy to your heart, peace to your mind, and hope for your future. (2 Timothy 3:16-17)
  5. Develop a yearning for eternity: One of the most helpful, hopeful, and healing truths is realizing that this present life is lived in a temporal body, and a permanent body is waiting for you. In that body you will live throughout all eternity. Grasp God’s promise of living eternally! (2 Corinthians 4:18)

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Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Grief Recovery: Living at Peace with Loss. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Stages of Acceptable Grief

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When we think about the journey of grief, we have to think about what shapes that journey, because grief will be different for each person. No one can say, “I know exactly what you’re going through.” There are several factors at work.

  1. The kind of relationship with the departed loved one: Some people have a close and dependent relationship while another might be characterized as independent (and both people would be called a “spouse” who died).
  2. The amount of time spent grieving before the loved one passed on: if the death was sudden or a long process of terminal illness, these will shape how your journey progresses.
  3. Your efforts to heal: some people are ready to move on toward healing while others hold on and find it difficult to let go and make progress on their recovery journey.

You will have feels from time to time that grief in unending, but don’t sense the pressure to rush through it. Grieve at your own pace. It may be difficult, but don’t allow others to rush you either. When you think about it, you have lost more than just a loved one. Perhaps the person was your confidante, lover, source of laughter, cook, mechanic, gardener, walking partner. Now, you will discover loss in all of these areas, too. We might call these secondary losses.

Grief manifests itself in ways you might now expect, like feeling too tired for friends. H. Norman Wright calls well-meaning friends who want to care for you, “invaders.” They think they know what you need and invade your life in ways that will often not be helpful: food, companionship, cleaning up, sorting stuff, busyness.

As badly as we may feel, the journey of healing does not mean there will be no pain. Remembering the loved one can always bring back the pain, but eventually we are able to move from “emotional remembering” to “historical remembering.” People want to get back to normal, but realize this will not happen. What we can expect is to create a new normal.

What are the Stages of Acceptable Grief?

The work of accepting the reality of your unwanted loss may consume all your energy, but your efforts will succeed when you focus on being the person God wants you to be through your season of sorrow (see Colossians 3:23).

Accept the Past as Always Being in the Past:

  1. Pray for God’s help in embracing your grief (Psalm 34:17-18).
  2. Recall your losses, and then write about your losses (Psalm 51:6).
  3. Weep over your losses (Psalm 30:5).
  4. Complete each loss by writing the word past beside it and saying, “I will be content to leave this event in the past” (1 Timothy 6:6).
  5. Memorize Psalm 119:28, 50, 101, 156.
  6. Give thanks to God for all He has taught you and how He will use your past in the future (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

Accept the Present as Offering Stability and Significance:

  1. Choose to live one day at a time (Matthew 6:34).
  2. Put the Lord at the center of your life (Matthew 16:24).
  3. Go to God with your specific questions; make a list (James 1:5).
  4. Thank God for providing everything you need for life (2 Peter 1:3).
  5. Praise God that though your situation has changed, He will never leave you (Hebrews 13:5).
  6. Focus on the joy and satisfaction of helping others; make a list (Galatians 6:2).

Accept the Future as Providing New Opportunities:

  1. Hope in the plans that God has for your future (Jeremiah 29:11).
  2. Know that your sorrow and grief will not be wasted (Psalm 119:71).
  3. Put all your hope in God (Psalm 62:5).
  4. Have faith in God, whom you cannot see (2 Corinthians 4:18).
  5. Know that God will fill the void in your life (Isaiah 43:18-19).

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Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Grief Recovery: Living at Peace with Loss. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Unhealthy Types of Grief

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Last time I wrote about the healthy stages of grief, today is the flip side, the unhealthy types of grief. If we remain in unhealthy grief, we will not be set free and continue on the journey from mourning to joy as God intends.

So, What are Unhealthy Types of Grief?

Chronic Grief: This is an unresolved, deep sorrow experienced over a long period of time due to not accepting or not experiencing closure over a significant loss. The personal pain is buried so deeply the ability to experience real grief and let go of the loss is blocked. Chronic grief can be resolved by facing the loss and grieving it.

Repressed Grief: This is an unidentified, unexpressed, unresolved grief exhibited in unexplainable negative lifestyle patterns. Repressed grief can be overcome by taking this following “Time Line Test” (from June Hunt):

  • Draw a line representing your life.
  • Divide the line into sections: childhood, adolescence, adulthood.
  • Denote on the page the major events of each time period.
  • Determine unresolved hurts and losses that occurred in those stages.
  • Define the painful events you need to grieve: “I felt abandoned when…”
  • Decide to genuinely grieve your losses.
  • Defuse the power of these losses by sharing them with others.
  • Deepen your dependence on the Lord to set you emotionally free.

“In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free.” (Psalm 118:5)

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Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Grief Recovery: Living at Peace with Loss. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Stages of Healthy Grieving

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As the title suggests, there are stages of healthy grieving, and there are also unhealthy ways to grieve. These stages are from June Hunt.

What Are the Stages of Healthy Grieving?

“I need to get my act together. I’ve got to snap out of this.”

These thoughts reveal unrealistic expectations about grieving and a failure to understand the grief process and the slow journey of restoration. While stages of grief do exist, they may be experienced with varying degrees of intensity. Some stages may also be missed, and some stages may be repeated. Give yourself permission to unpredictably experience the stages of grieving as you trust God to bring new life again.

“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up” (Psalm 71:20)

Crisis Stage: This can last from two days to two weeks. In this stage of grief, you carry out your daily activities in a mechanical manner. Characteristics include:

  1. Anxiety/fear
  2. Denial
  3. Appetite/sleep loss
  4. Disturbing dreams
  5. Limited concentration
  6. Shock/numbness
  7. Confusion
  8. Uncontrollable crying

Crucible Stage: This can last up to a year or two or more, perhaps even until death if grief is not resolved. Characteristics include:

  1. Anger/resentment
  2. Loneliness/isolation
  3. Anguish
  4. Self-pity
  5. Bargaining with God
  6. Intense yearning
  7. Depression/sadness
  8. Guilt/false guilt

Contentment Stage: This stage accepts the loss, leaving it in the past. This stage not only accepts that the present offers stability, but also accepts that the future offers new and promising hope (Philippians 3:13; 4:11). Characteristics include:

  1. Greater compassion toward others
  2. Greater acceptance of others
  3. Greater humility before others
  4. Greater dependence on the Lord
  5. New ability to leave loss behind
  6. New patterns for living
  7. New hope for the future
  8. New contentment in all circumstances

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Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Grief Recovery: Living at Peace with Loss. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Living at Peace with Loss

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This semester I am leading a GriefShare group at King’s Grant. It’s a thirteen week small group that will have an effect on the rest of one’s life, but it is possible to Live at Peace with Loss.

A Description of Grief:

June Hunt writes that grief is a heart response to hurt, a painful emotion of sorrow caused by the loss or impending loss of someone or something that has deep meaning to us.

Grief can dig a “ditch of dependency” with deep ruts of anguish, depression, and isolation—strong emotions very difficult to pull yourself out of. God understands our anguish; even the Lord Jesus is described in the Bible as a:

“”Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” (Isaiah 53:3)

We can also be assured that our pain is always purposeful, and when grief accomplishes its work, a deep well has been carved within us that God, in His time, will fill with joy, peace, and contentment. Bible says:

“‘Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.” Lamentations 3:32-33

The journey of grief may be painful, but there is joy in that we don’t travel on this journey alone.

Living with Grief:

“Grief is the recognition you’ve lost someone you love; if there were no love, there would be no grief.” (Zig Ziglar)

Grief is normal, it is not a sign of weakness. Many people will pretend that everything is okay, but this response is not helpful. We must give ourselves permission to grieve, and men, we often don’t do that. We feel we need to be the strong ones and pull ourselves up by determination. People need to honestly express their emotions and realize that the pain of grief will come and go from day to day, perhaps hour by hour.

We are often unprepared for grief when it shows up and you will be surprised at how long it may last. In GriefShare we discovered that we should “lean into our grief” which is like standing in the ocean being tossed by the surf. Don’t run from it, you can’t stop it, but you can stand strong by leaning into it.

We also learned that we should not make big decisions while experiencing grief. Don’t rush into selling the house; remember that you had 30 years of memories there and after you have dealt with grief, you will cherish those memories while still living there. Don’t rush into remarriage, big mistake, and don’t allow people to rush you on your journey.

Weekly Encouragement:

The topics for each week are wonderful, and the first three are appropriate for those in grief who may not have lost a loved one to death. Perhaps there is a loss of life as we have known it.

  1. Living with grief
  2. The journey of grief
  3. The effects of grief
  4. When your spouse dies
  5. Your family and grief
  6. Why?
  7. The uniqueness of grief – two sessions
  8. The prescription for grief
  9. Stuck in grief
  10. Top twenty lessons of grief – two sessions
  11. Heaven