Connecting Goes Beyond Words

Two singers perform a song; one leaves the audience with goose bumps, the other leaves the people cold. Two professors teach the same class; for one the students stand in an hour long registration line, the other class dwindles to a few students. Two mangers work in a restaurant; for one the employees are willing to but in overtime, while the other only gets excuses why they can’t stay late. Why is this a fact? What is the difference?

You’re Actions Speak So Loudly, I Can’t Hear Your Words: Verbal and nonverbal messages are not consistent. What people see us do and the tone we use can far outweigh any words we say while we are trying to communicate.

  1. What we say accounts for only 7 percent of what is believed.
  2. The way we saying accounts for 38 percent.
  3. What others see accounts for 55 percent.

If we believe that communication is all about words, we are missing the boat and will have a hard time connecting with others.

All communication has three essential components:

  1. Intellectual – something we know.
  2. Emotional – something we feel.
  3. Action – something we do.

If we fail to include any one of the three, there will be a breakdown in communication:

  1. Something I know but do not feel, my communication is dispassionate.
  2. Something I know but do not do, my communication is theoretical.
  3. Something I feel but do not know, my communication is unfounded.
  4. Something I feel but do not do, my communication is hypocritical.
  5. Something I do but do not know, my communication is presumptuous.
  6. Something I do but do not feel, my communication is mechanical.

The Characteristics of Connection: Any message you try to convey must contain a piece of you. You must be the message you want to deliver. It is difficult to try and communicate someone else’s vision. It’s hard to get excited when you’re presenting someone’s else’s ideas. To gain credibility you have to make it your vision; discover how the vision impacts you personally.

Teachers can fall into this trap when they teach right out of the quarterly. While the message is believed, we can be dispassionate about the subject if we cannot relate it to life. We must allow the lesson to flow from our own lives. That will make a greater connection. Remember that nothing happens through you until it happens to you.

Communication Checklist:

  1. Integrity – did I do my best?
  2. Expectation – did I please my students?
  3. Relevance – did I understand and relate to my students?
  4. Value – did I add value to my students?
  5. Application – did I give my students a game plan?
  6. Change – did I make a difference today?

The Four Components of Connection: Communication goes beyond words.

Connecting visually – What People See: Sight is the most powerful sense in communication, we remember 85-90 percent of what we see but less than 15 percent of what we hear. It is helpful to bring in visual aids when teaching; a movie clip, a prop, or a photograph. We are a visual society, getting news from TV and online, watching YouTube, Facebook, PowerPoint, video games and movies. They say that we have only seven seconds to make the right first impression.

  1. Eliminate personal distractions – proper grooming and clothing will help people focus on your message more than your appearance.
  2. Expand your range of expression – actors can tell much of a story without saying a single word. If your face is going to talk for you anyway, you might as well communicate something positive.
  3. Move with a sense of purpose – Don’t wander aimlessly into the room, have confidence that you have a message to share and your students are lucky to be present today. Let them see your eagerness. Move closer to the students, and don’t allow a natural barrier get between you and the students. Let them feel your energy and excitement.
  4. Pay attention to your surroundings – Take an inventory of your room to discover any clutter or obstacles to your communication. Check the lighting, and the sounds around you.

Connecting Intellectually – What People Understand: Two things are necessary; you must know your subject and know yourself. This is the difference between a good teachers and someone who knows what he’s talking about. I read a story about an event where people were asked to recite their favorite passage of Scripture. One man read the 23rd Psalm, and the audience applauded at the performance. An elderly woman who had dosed off was asked to share her passage and she recited the same psalm, and the audience was in tears. The man was asked, “What was the difference?? He replied, “I know the psalm, she knows the Shepherd.”

You also have to know yourself. You need to have confidence in your abilities. Training is always a great way to increase your abilities and confidence. When you find yourself, you find your audience.

Connecting Emotionally – What People Feel: Great leaders and teachers win over the hearts and minds of others. Notice that we don’t win the minds, or even win the minds and hearts. The heart comes first. Teachers should not rely too much on their intellect to persuade others; logical arguments and apologetics does not work if we do not capture their hearts first. Remember that people will hear your words but they feel your attitude. It’s probably why some people have charisma and others don’t; some believe it is due to personality, John Maxwell says it is more a function of attitude. Charismatic people focus on others, are outward, pat attention to others, and desire to add value to them.

Connecting Verbally – What People Hear: To make an impact we must pay close to attention to what we say and how we say it. Pay attention to pace of speech, tone, background noise; we learn through experience how to hear more than just the words in order to connect to others.

Summary:
Connecting Principle: Connecting goes beyond words.
Key Concept: The more you go beyond the words, the greater the chance you will connect with other people.

Practical Steps:

  1. Connect verbally by giving the other person your complete attention.
  2. Connect intellectually by asking questions, listening carefully, and paying attention to what is not being said; by investing in the growth of your students.
  3. Connect emotionally through appropriate touch with boundaries; by honoring students’ efforts and rewarding hard work; and through facial expressions, humor and tears.
  4. Connect visually by setting the example so the group can see you live what you teach; and by smiling.

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Connecting Increases Your Influence

In February, King’s Grant is taking a bold step toward developing leaders and securing potential leaders. For three consecutive Wednesday evenings at 6:00, beginning February 2, I will have the opportunity to guide the student and adult leadership in the art and science of connecting with other people. As a text, I will use John Maxwell’s book called, Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People do Differently.

Connecting Can Make You or Break You: People cannot succeed in life without communicating effectively. It is not just about working harder. It’s not enough to just do a great job, to be successful you need to learn how to really communicate with others.

Connecting is the Key: Good communication and leadership is all about connecting. If you connect with others, you will have stronger relationships, improved community, increased teamwork, increased influence and your effectiveness will grow.

Connecting is the ability to identify with people and relate to them in a way that increases your influence with them.

Connecting is Critical for Leaders: The best leaders are always the best connectors. The Harvard Business Review stated that the number one criteria for advancement and promotion for professionals is the ability to communicate effectively.

Presidential historian Robert Dallek says there are five qualities that enable them to achieve things that others don’t: vision, pragmatism, consensus building, charisma and trustworthiness. Four of these are related to the ability to communicate on multiple levels.

  1. Vision is the ability to describe what they are doing.
  2. Consensus is the ability to persuade others to come along with them.
  3. Charisma is the ability to connect on a personal level.
  4. Trust is the ability to demonstrate credibility, doing what they say they will do.

The Courage to Change: Reinhold Nieburh is famous for making popular the Serenity Prayer; “God grant me the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

  1. There are things that we can change, but often don’t know how to change.
  2. Often our coping skills are greater than our connecting skills.
  3. We need to make a difference, not just know how to make a difference.
  4. We need courage to change things rather than simply accept the status quo.

It Starts with Your Attitude: The ability to connect with others begins with understanding the value of people.

High Achievers:

  1. Care about people as well as profits.
  2. View subordinates optimistically.
  3. Seek advice from those under them.
  4. Listen well to others.

Average Achievers:

  1. Concentrate on production.
  2. Focus more on their own status.
  3. Are reluctant to seek advice from those under them.
  4. Listen only to superiors.

Low Achievers:

  1. Are preoccupied with their own security.
  2. Show a basic distrust of subordinates.
  3. Don’t seek advice.
  4. Avoid communication and rely on policy manuals.

To Be Effective, We Must Connect: We can always learn to get better at what we do, and to do this we must connect better.

Principles of Connecting:

  1. Focus on others.
  2. Expand your connecting vocabulary beyond just words.
  3. Develop your energy for connecting.
  4. Gain insight on how great communicators connected.

Practical Skills of Connection:

  1. Finding common ground.
  2. Making your communication simple.
  3. Capturing the interest of people.
  4. Inspiring people.
  5. Being authentic.

Summary:
Connecting Principle – Connecting increases your influence in every situation.
Key Concept – The smaller the group, the more important it is to connect.

Practical Steps:

  1. Talk more about other people and less about yourself.
  2. Look for ways to be of service to others.
  3. Look for ways to compliment others.
  4. Look for ways to add value to others.
  5. Don’t take credit when the group succeeds; don’t cast blame when it doesn’t.
  6. Find ways to celebrate together.

Let others know that your time with them is your highest priority that day.

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Counseling and Anxiety

Anxiety, stress, fear and tension all have different meanings yet are often used interchangeably to describe the most prevailing characteristics of human beings in this century. Rollo May called anxiety one of the most urgent problems of our day.

It is defined as inner feelings of apprehension, uneasiness, concern, worry or dread which is accompanied by heightened physical arousal. Classifications of anxiety are:

1. Acute: This comes quickly, is of high intensity, and has a short duration. If one is suddenly overwhelmed, it is usually acute.

2. Chronic: This is persistent and longer lasting, but the intensity is lower.

3. Normal: This comes when there is a real danger or situational threat. It can be recognized, managed and reduced, especially if the outward circumstances change.

4. Neurotic: This involves intense exaggerated feelings of helplessness and dread even when the danger is mild or nonexistent. It cannot be dealt with rationally because the source comes from subconscious inner conflicts.

Anxiety can vary in intensity as well: Moderate can be healthy and even desirable since it helps people avoid real dangers. High anxiety can shorten one’s attention span, make concentration difficult, adversely affect memory, hinder performance skills, interfere with problem solving, block communication, arouse panic, and even symptomatic paralysis or intense headaches.

The Bible and Anxiety:

1. Anxiety as fret or worry: (Matthew 6:25-34, Philippians 4:6-7, 1 Peter 5:7, Psalm 55:22), and we are told to avoid this type of worrying.

2. Anxiety in the form of realistic concern is not forbidden. To ignore danger is a foolish thing. (2 Corinthians 11:28, Philippians 2:20)

The Causes of Anxiety:

Sigmund Freud discusses human personality is terms of the id, ego and the superego:

  1. When he id recognizes a clear threat to the person, this is called realistic anxiety.
  2. When the id begins to get too powerful, so that it threatens to overwhelm the ego and cause the person to act with socially aggressive or sexually unacceptable behavior, this is neurotic anxiety.
  3. When the superego gets too powerful, so that the person is overwhelmed by guilt or shame, this is moral anxiety.

Anxiety Results from the Following:

1. Threat

  1. Danger: Crime, war, violent weather, unexplained illness
  2. Self-esteem: People like to look good and perform competently
  3. Separation: From significant others; or rejection
  4. Unconscious influence: Even those who reject Freud will accept that there can be certain underlying thoughts, emotions or experiences that will cause anxiety.

2. Conflict: faced with two of more pressures

  1. Approach-approach conflict: Conflict over the tendency to pursue two desirable but incompatible goals (two dinner invitations).
  2. Approach-avoidance conflict: Here is the desire both to do and to not do something. One might (grapple with a job offer with more pay and opportunity (approach), but it will bring a move and the inconvenience of a training program (avoidance).
  3. Avoidance-avoidance conflict: Here are two alternatives, both of which are unpleasant, like having pain versus having an operation to relieve the pain.

3. Fear: similar to anxiety, even though they are not identical. Fears can come in from a variety of situations. Different people are afraid of failure, the future, rejection, achieving success, intimacy, etc. These fears can build up into anxiety.

4. Unmet needs:

  1. Survival: need for continued existence
  2. Security: economic and social
  3. Sex: as an expression of love, as a sexual being
  4. Significance: to account for something, to be worthwhile
  5. Self-fulfillment: to achieve fulfilling goals
  6. Selfhood: a sense of identity

5. Individual differences: Some people are never anxious in the same anxiety producing situation for another person. Fears and phobias:

  1. Psychology: Most behavior is a result of experience or learned from parents or other significant persons. We will react as we have seen others react to similar situations.
  2. Personality: Some people are more fearful or high strung than others. Some are more sensitive, self-centered, hostile or insecure than others.
  3. Sociology: Political instability, mobility which disturbs our rootedness, shifting values, changing moral standards, religious beliefs can all cause anxiety.
  4. Physiology: The presence of disease can cause anxiety, as well as dietary imbalance, neurological malfunctioning and chemical factors.
  5. Theology: Some believers are so concerned about pleasing God that their theology cause them undo anxiety. This anxiety would then be considered a lack of faith.

The Effects of Anxiety:

1. Physical reactions: Ulcers, headaches, backaches, lack of sleep, butterflies, fatigue, loss of appetite, frequent urination, blood pressure, slow digestion, chemical changes in the blood.

2. Psychological reactions: Reduction in productivity, stifles creativity, hinders the capacity to relate to others, dulls the personality, interferes with the ability to think or remember.

3. Defensive reactions: Denial of the anxiety, blaming others for faults, rationalization, slipping into childish reactions, escape through alcohol or drugs, withdrawal into mental illness or bizarre behavior.

4. Spiritual reactions: It can drive us toward or away from God, lack of time for prayer, lack of concentration on reading the Bible, reduced interest in worship times, impatience with heaven’s seeming silence.

Counseling and Anxiety:

1. Recognize the counselor’s own anxieties: What is the situation that is making me anxious? What is it about this person that makes me anxious?

2. Demonstrate love: Love move towards others and shrinks fear, and is a demonstration of Christ (1 John 4:18, Hebrews 13:6).

3. Identify causes: One can’t simply show love and tell the client to get over their anxiety.

  1. Observation: Does he shift around, perspire or change breathing when a certain topic is discussed?
  2. Reflection: Can the client recall certain times when the anxiety is more overwhelming?
  3. Contemplation: Raise issues about the causes and get the client to dwell upon these to his own conclusion.

4. Encouraging action: The goal is not to eliminate the anxiety but to become aware of it and be able to cope with it. Help them to move through the situation rather than going around it.

5. Giving support: Anxious client get little help from impatient counselors. The helper must be calm, supportive and patient.

6. Encourage a Christian response:

  1. Rejoice (Philippians 4:4) in the midst of trouble
  2. Forbear (Philippians 4:5) graciousness in your spirit
  3. Pray (Philippians 4:6) about everything, details
  4. Think (Philippians 4:8) dwell on positive things
  5. Act (Philippians 4:9, James 1:22) put these into practice

Preventing Anxiety:

1. Trust in God: We know who holds the future

2. Learn to cope:

  1. Admit fears and insecurities when they arise
  2. Talk these over with someone else
  3. Build self-esteem
  4. Acknowledge that separation hurts
  5. Seek help from God
  6. Learn to communicate
  7. Learn some principles of relaxation
  8. Periodically evaluate your priorities, life goals and time management

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How Paul Shared His Faith

There is a debate about what people call success. In the church, we often look at success as bigger and better; the numbers will determine how successful we are. After reading a book called, Liberating Your Ministry from Success Syndrome, I tend to see success as faithfulness in following God’s call on your life. Paul wanted to bear fruit in Jerusalem more than any place else on earth, but he found greater opposition and struggle than anywhere else on his journeys.

At first the commander thought Paul was a terrorist from Egypt (Acts 21:38), but he was actually an ambassador of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:19, 20). These people beat Paul with their fists (Acts 21:32) and all he wanted was to share his testimony (Acts 21:39). Acts 22 has a great model for sharing our faith in Christ.

Paul communicated simply and clearly: He spoke to the commander in Greek (Acts 21:37) and to the Jews he spoke Aramaic (Hebrew dialect, Acts 21:40, 22:2). Few of us are fluent in more than one language, but here Paul demonstrates his ability to communicate in at least two languages. As a Roman citizen, I can imagine he spoke Latin as well. As Christians, we often have our own language (church-speak) that people on the outside just don’t understand: salvation, regeneration, justification, born again, conversion, burden, atonement, walk the aisle, prayed the prayer, was baptized, body of Christ… you get it… but many people don’t.

Paul honestly described his former conduct (Acts 22:3-5): We lose our listeners when they sense an attitude of superiority in us. We must be careful not to magnify the former life with details, so generalizations are best. Let’s have people focus on the Savior rather than the behavior.

Paul related his experience of conversion (Acts 22:6-11): This is where we tell others how we actually came to know Christ. It need not be dramatic because the same blood rescues each of us. Like the Prodigal Son, who was involved in wild living (Luke 15:29-30), the faithful son needed salvation just as much.

Paul shared how he received his commission: He was clear about the purpose God had for him (Acts 22:12-21). Lots of people will not come to Christ believing their is too much to give up, but I submit to you that we need to tell people all that we have gained.

Once Paul mentioned he was appointed to reach the Gentiles, he lost his audience (Acts 22:22). Was he a failure because they rejected him? Was his testimony shared in vain? He did not plant a church, start a small group, or even leave behind any discipling relationships, but they heard his message (otherwise they would not have responded to violently). There is freedom in following Christ. We are to be faithful in our serving and testimony, but must always leave the results up to the Holy Spirit. We are not called to be the Holy Spirit in someone else’s life. The Spirit convicts of sin.

Application: If you are a child of God, you have a story worth telling. Are you exercising your witness? Have you practiced sharing your faith with a brother in Christ? It is only after you practice in private that sharing in public with a lost person becomes easier and more natural. Consider writing out your testimony using these steps:


My life before I met Christ:

 


How I came to know Christ:

 


The difference Christ has made in my life:

 


Planning, preparation, practice and presentation lead to the progress of the gospel. We are called to be His witnesses (Acts 1:8) and be ready at all times to give an account of the hope we have inside us (1 Peter 3:15). How can the Men of Steel help you become more faithful, and even more successful?

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The Art and Science of Supervision

There are good and poor supervisors. The best supervisors have good positive personal qualities and follow the proper roles that make them good supervisors. Many books on supervision have reported surveys about the characteristics of good supervisors. Usually these have some characteristics in common and others are different.

I read a story about Doran and Gloria McCarty, who took a group of students to Belize on an overseas project. One Sunday morning they spoke at meetings in the city and in the afternoon went into the rural area for an afternoon service. Because of the distance, road conditions, and having to take two ferries each way, they were late returning to Belize City that evening where Gloria was scheduled to sing. She had only one copy of the music and had no time to reproduce another. A local member assured Gloria that the pianist would be able to play the song if she would go through it with her once. Gloria was skeptical. After a brief rehearsal on only a portion of the music, Gloria took the songbook and the pianist played the song perfectly.

The pianist playing was a beautiful example of the art of music. Since she did not have a copy of the music, she could not exercise the science of music, but rather she demonstrated incredibly the art of music. We refer to it as “playing by ear.” The art of music represents the natural gifts a person possesses. The science of music refers to the music structure and the laborious hours of practice required.

The art of supervision refers to people who are especially good at building relationships and understanding human behavior without specialized supervisory training. Their sensitivity enables them to discover and deal with issues. Supervision as an art is done through intuition. Intuitive supervisors follow their hunches.

The science of supervision offers supervisors training in diagnosing issues and assisting supervisees in dealing with issues. Since supervision is a human enterprise, a person should utilize all of his/her abilities in the art of supervision. Yet the supervisor’s perceptions, even if generally correct, are not always accurate. They need a system to check out their perceptions.

The science of supervision offers a way to check those perceptions, a scientific backup. A medical doctor may have the uncanny ability to diagnose a condition, but no one would want a physician to operate until he/she had passed the necessary tests. Through good supervision training, the supervisor will gain a heightened sense of the art of supervision and have at his/her disposal the tools of the science of supervision.

Regardless of the helpfulness of science, there is always the subjective element in supervision. Value judgments have to be made. This is important because people cannot be transformed into things to be quantified. There are some qualities of supervisors that help them to become effective. McCarty points out these twelve characteristics:

  1. Faith: which reflects the image of God
  2. Health: emotionally and spiritually
  3. Care: the essence of the support system, there is no reason not to care
  4. Courage: facing hard tasks and issues rather than avoiding them
  5. Growth: if it doesn’t grow it is diseased or dead
  6. Authority: using the wrong type in the wrong situation
  7. Preparedness: the supervisor needs training to be good at it
  8. Insight: inner vision to understand what’s happening
  9. Communication: listen and hear, clarify
  10. Flexibility: meet the demands of the situation
  11. Perspective: keep the whole situation in mind, not just while in the trenches
  12. Relational: we work with people, don’t forget it

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Communication in Marriage

I’ll be the first to admit that I am not an expert in marriage; but Kim and I have a strong commitment to each other which brings security in our relationship. In my reading and research I discovered this information to be concise and quite interesting, regarding Communication in Marriage.

Introduction:

Marriage counselors agree: Most, if not all, marriage problems are rooted in poor communication. We often act in our marriages as though we are soloists, singing alone and beholden to nobody. But marriage is a duet, not a solo. And the Song of Solomon shows us a real life marriage filled with the music of intimate, personal, and open communication.

Communication Levels:

Here’s the stark truth about communication in marriage: You will communicate, or your marriage will disintegrate. And marriages today that are on the rocks are there because of poor communication. Experts say there are five levels of communication:

Frivolous Level: This is the communication we experience daily in our casual relationships. The weather, the latest scores, clothes, and the like – we do this often and think about it rarely. It’s communication on “automatic pilot.”

Factual Level: This is a little more content oriented than frivolous communication. Factual communication digs a little deeper into the knowledge of various subjects. There’s still no real personal involvement.

Fellowship Level: Now, we’re beginning to get a little personal. We share ideas, judgments, and philosophies. We begin to risk rejection for our beliefs.

Feeling Level: In this kind of communication, we go a step deeper. We not only share ideas and core beliefs but we share our feelings about those beliefs. We let others know how important they are to us. This is much riskier, and it’s about as deep as most people ever get with each other.

Freedom Level: This is the deepest level of communication. We are completely open with our mate. We share our deepest dreams, fears, ideas, and feelings – without fear of rejection. The word “intimacy” comes from the Latin intimuce. It means “innermost.” And truly intimate communication encompasses all those dreams, beliefs, and feelings you wouldn’t share with anybody else. Freedom level communication is the secret of lasting love.

When the Bible speaks of a husband and wife coming together in the act of marriage, it says, so and so “knew his wife.” To be completely known and still be loved is the supreme goal of marriage. That’s true intimacy. Every marriage needs it to survive.

Application:

Intimate communication won’t happen without some adjustments, especially on the part of men. In most troubled marriages, the men won’t talk. I read about a woman who said that the only time her husband speaks is when he wants food or sex. That’s wrong. Men need to talk, whether they want to or not.

I was at a men’s conference last year and one of the best pieces of advice I heard was in a marriage seminar, where the facilitator challenged the men to ask one simple statement when your wife is telling you about her day… “Tell me more.” It may be hard after a long day at the office and all you want in peace and quiet, but this statement allows you to hear what she has to say without kicking in the male “fix it” mode. Just listen and affirm, you don’t have to fix it.

A husband’s silence is the culprit in most family communication problems. The wife, who craves communication, pushes her husband into a corner just to get him talking. She pushes and pushes, and Pow! He explodes. Ironically, this is often better to the wife than silence. At least she has his full attention. I’m not saying she intends to pick a fight. But deep down within her there is something that prefers argument to silence. She wants communication. That’s understandable. That’s how God made her.

Have you noticed how many books there are on marriage? On intimacy? On communication? Here’s the problem: The people who need them don’t read them! Women read them, but men, who truly need to adjust to their wives’ communication needs, don’t.

This is understandable. There are natural barriers to men communicating with the intimacy their wives desire. And wives need to take that into account and make some adjustments.

Consider the articles found in women’s magazines: “Five Ways to Develop Closeness in Your Marriage” and “How to Have Harmony in the Home” and “Achieving Intimacy With Your Lover.” Now what do men read about in their magazines? “How to Remodel Your Garage” and “How to Double Your Gas Mileage” and “How to Make It Big in the Stock Market.”

Yes, there are differences between men and women that affect marital communication. Some of these stem from the fact that we are raised differently. Boys are taught not to cry, not to show emotion. Part of the macho self reliance myth is silence, which supposedly communicates complete self-control.

These differences between men and women should give us all a healthy amount of understanding toward the struggles of our spouses. But they shouldn’t stop us from trying, with the power of the Holy Spirit, to imitate the intimacy between Solomon and his spouse. We’ll never arrive at perfection. But the closer we get, the happier our homes will be.

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Spiritual Relevance

There is a Christian culture that is complete with its own language and traditions; and most of lost America has no clue how to connect with or understand us. Christianity is some ancient or foreign ritual that has no relevance in modern culture. But the gospel is relevant to every person in any culture, we just have a public relations problem.

Quotes:

Few people articulate a redemptive message using relational terms. We believe in logic, science, lists, and formulas. God’s doesn’t use any of those. — Donald Miller

Our failure to impact contemporary culture is not because we have not been relevant enough, but because we have not been real enough. — Sally Morenthaler

The test of the vitality of a religion is to be seen in its effect on the culture. — Elton Trueblood

Your life is not your own, it belongs to God. To “be yourself” is not just to be anything you want to be. To “be yourself” is to be and do what God wants you to be and do, knowing that God created you for a mission and knows you and your mission better than you do. — Leonard Sweet

Top 10 Ways to Be Spiritually Relevant:

  1. Filter religious jargon from your language.
  2. Do not filter your authentic spirituality.
  3. Be respectful of other people’s convictions.
  4. Do not hide your own convictions.
  5. Tune in to the felt needs of your culture.
  6. Do not limit your spiritual gifts to the church.
  7. Offer advice, not judgment.
  8. Expect God to work miracles in your workplace.
  9. Do not hide your struggles and failures.
  10. Never move in fear; always move in love.

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Connecting in Prayer

Prayer is often misunderstood. It is more connecting with God than it is a formula for getting answers or even stuff from God. Sometimes we think that God is like a genie waiting to grant our wishes if only we would ask Him. The fact is that the more we get to know God, the more our prayers are changed. We ask differently when we begin to realize the sacrifice of Christ. When we go through the pit with Christ, that experience changes our prayer life. Oswald Chambers once wrote something like, prayer is God’s avenue of change in us. When we pray, God will change our hearts and will often use us to bring about a solution or an answer to our prayers.

Quotes:

Prayer is not a means to an end. In so many ways, it is the end itself. — Beth Moore

Prayer lays hold of God’s plan and becomes the link between His will and its accomplishment on earth. Amazing things happen, and we are given the privilege of being the channels of the Holy Spirit’s prayer. — Elizabeth Elliot

Work, work, from morning until late at night. In fact, I have so much to do that I shall have to spend the first three hours in prayer. — Martin Luther

Top 10 Steps to Connecting in Prayer:

  1. Inward – reflect, breath, prepare.
  2. Noise – declutter anxious and distracting thoughts.
  3. Let go – inhale the nearness of God, exhale hindrances.
  4. Hurts – acknowledge and confess your brokenness.
  5. Distractions – focus thought and life upon your Source.
  6. Holy space – be, receive from your heavenly Father.
  7. Outward – freely you have received, freely give.
  8. Self – savor the gift of God that is in you.
  9. Planet – feel the passion the Creator has for His cosmos.
  10. Others – call forth the purposes of God in your relationships.

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Holy Living and Submission

The topic of Submission and the command for holy living may not be very popular these days, but this Sunday we will take a look at both, from 1 Peter 3:1-7.

  1. What have you admired about your grandparents’ marriage, or some other older couple? Think of someone who displays inner strength and beauty. What have you learned from that person?
  2. How do you define submission by wives (1 Peter 3:1)? How are husbands to live “in the same way” (1 Peter 3:7)?
  3. In a society where wives were rated among the slaves, what can you find that is progressive about Peter’s marriage principles in 1 Peter 3:1-7? This is a topic that is hard for many Americans to grasp. Note the phrase in 1 Peter 3:1, “in the same way.” How does that help us understand submission (refer back to 1 Peter 2:23)? Can it be that a wife entrusts herself to her husband in the marriage vows, submitting herself to her husband’s care? This does not allow any form of cruelty, emotional or physical abuse, since Peter’s instruction to husbands is to treat them with respect. Submission and respect go together. A husband who respects his wife cannot make her a doormat. A wife who commands respect will not allow it.
  4. What reasons did Peter give for acting according to these principles? For wives (1 Peter 3:1). How can believing wives win their unbelieving husbands to Christ? What may be difficulties spouses of unbelievers encounter? For husbands (1 Peter 3:7). That you prayers will not be hindered?
  5. Why is inner beauty precious to God? List some ways we can cultivate inner beauty.
  6. What can we learn from women, like Sarah, who lived long ago (1 Peter 3:5-6)? Key passages on Sarah include Genesis 12:1-5. Name some of the difficulties Abraham’s obedience may have caused for Sarah. She had to leave her home, her friends, her family; suffer hardship and even risk her life because her husband obeyed God.
  7. In what general ways do other people benefit when believers live holy, pure lives?

An Inspirational Thought:

The holiness we are to exhibit is not our own, but the holiness of Christ in us. We are not holy, and we will not become holy humans. Christ in us can manifest His holiness if we will yield our flesh to Him. This is not a human operation; it is a spiritual one. Jesus installs His holiness in us by grace. Not a once-for-all-time transaction, this is a daily, moment-by-moment striving to live more by the Spirit and less by the flesh.

… A friend bought his daughter a new car, but it must sit in the garage until she reaches the legal driving age. Until her sixteenth birthday she only has partial use of the car, when accompanied by an adult. Similarly, holiness is like a gift already purchased for us (by the blood of Christ), but we cannot have full use of it until a certain date in the future (our glorification).

Becoming holy is a process which includes God’s part and our part. On one hand, our part is to stay out of God’s part—to yield, to surrender, to stop seeking God on our own terms. But our part also is to obey. It is to enter His rehabilitation program.

When you put yourself under a doctor’s care, he cannot help you if you don’t follow his instructions. As the patient surrenders his own good ideas and obeys the doctor’s instruction, he becomes well. The same is true in sanctification. If you and I want to be made holy, then we must willingly surrender ourselves to His care, and we must also actively obey His instructions.

We have no more power to make ourselves holy than a dying man has to save himself. We are weak and tired, and we cannot offer much help. However, we can submit to His rehabilitation program—sanctification. The key to our part is faith—to seek Him in obedience.

(From Walking with Christ in the Details of Life by Patrick Morley)

  1. How can we demonstrate holiness with our lives? Some additional verses you may want to include are Ephesians 4:22-24 (put off the old self and put on the new self) and Paul describes what holy living looks like in Ephesians 4:25-32); 1 Timothy 2:1-4 (prayer, quiet living, godliness, dignity); Hebrews 12:14 (pursue peace, and sanctification).
  2. Why is it important to realize that becoming holy is a process, not a one-time event?
  3. What is God’s part and what is our responsibility in the sanctification process (Philippians 2:12-13)?
  4. Walking in his steps often leads to submission, and even to suffering. In spite of hardship, how might you choose this route?
  5. What is one area in the foreseeable future where you could practice Christ-like submission? And how will you do that?

If There’s Time:

  1. Why do we pay more attention to what people do than to what they say?
  2. List some ways we focus more on enhancing our outward appearance than developing our inner character.
  3. What about our lives will attract people to Christ?

More Bible passages on holy living, see Leviticus 11:44–45; 1 Corinthians 1:2, 30; 1 Thessalonians 4:3–7; 2 Timothy 1:8–9; Hebrews 10:10–14; 1 Peter 1:14–16; 2 Peter 3:11.

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When You Lose Your Way

Life can be hard, no denying that fact. We work all day, try to be a faithful and loving husband and good and nurturing father, a good employee or boss, a good neighbor and friend, a man of integrity… you try to catch a break every once in a while but then life still falls apart. We eventually ask a similar question as the disciples regarding the blind man, “Who sinned, him or his parents, that caused him to be born blind?” (John 9:2). What did I do to deserve this?

At times we feel as if God is out to get us. Why is that? Why do we not recognize that God is actually the one holding our lives together and the outright assault on our lives is really from our adversary and enemy (who is like a roaring lion ready to devour – 1 Peter 5:8)?

I listen to K-Love radio (when Bethany is in the car, 90.7 fm in Va Beach) and Toby Mac has a recent song with great lyrics (as usual):

You turned away when I looked you in the eye,
And hesitated when I asked if you were alright,
Seems like you’re fighting for your life, but why? Oh why?

Have we been there? Don’t turn away when someone reaches out to you. Remember that no man is an island. How often do we get asked the question, “How are you?” and we casually reply, “Fine” or “Good” or some other meaningless phrase that intends to dodge our hurting or the burning issues in our lives? The church is a community of believers who gather together not because we have it all together, but because we don’t. We gather to bleed together, and share each other’s burdens and pain (Galatians 6:2).

Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare,
You saw it comin’ but it hit you outta no where,
And there’s always scars, when you fall that far.

I love that phrase, there are “always scars when you fall that far.” Each of us has a past we are not proud of, and what I get from this song is just when you think you’re ready to stand, life comes out of nowhere to dash your hopes, dreams and plans. When it happens often enough, scars form, but scars are not always bad. They can remind us of where we have been, keep us from going there again, and help us to be thankful for the intervention that Jesus did in our lives (Romans 5:8, 2 Corinthians 5:17, Galatians 2:20).

We lose our way, we get back up again
It’s never too late to get back up again,
One day you gonna shine again,
You may be knocked down, but not out forever.

We all can get sidetracked and lose our way. We start each day with the greatest of intentions, like living pure lives, showing kindness to our wife, demonstrating more joy as we spend time with our kids, but then (as the Nationwide commercial tells us) life comes at you fast. Remember it is never too late to get back up and do the right and godly thing (1 Corinthians 10:12, Ephesians 6:11, Colossians 1:23, 2 Thessalonians 2:15, James 4:6). The call of Christ is to stand firm!

You rolled out at the dawning of the day.
Heart racin’ as you made your little get away,
It feels like you been runnin’ all your life but, why? Oh why?

You pulled away from the love that would’ve been there,
You start believin’ that your situation’s unfair
But there’s always scars, when you fall that far.

To love is to risk (John 3:16, 15:13, 1 John 3:16, Romans 5:8). We become vulnerable whenever we open up to another person or even to our wife. Perhaps we choose not to hurt today and we close up to those around us. We “pull away from the love that would have been there.” But if we never risk, we will never feel the joy of solid friendships and a rewarding marriage. Don’t pull away or feel that life is unfair or regret past decisions. Risk, open up, and become vulnerable, because it really is worth it.

Sometimes we lose our way due to a conscious decision. James tells us that we will give in to sin due to being tempted by our own lust, which gives birth to sin, which then brings death (James 1:14, 15). We know the darkness that dwells deep within. Don’t be tempted. Flee immorality. Seek to live a life of integrity at all times.

Sometimes we do all the right things and life still may get the best of us, but continue to stand firm. Remain strong, and steadfast, under submission to God, allow the Spirit to guide you in the way you should go (Proverbs 3:5-6). As always, when you lose your way… get back up again.

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