Category: Parenting

Worshiping with Children

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We are building a dynamic children’s ministry at King’s Grant, and have a creative, passionate and gifted Director of Children’s Ministries, Katie Goodmurphy. Since we have introduced our children into the corporate cross-generational worship experience, sometimes adults and parents don’t know how to help our kids connect to what is going on. Years ago I discovered these ABC’s of worshiping with children; information we all can use.

Arrive in time to allow children to choose a good place to sit. Encourage them to sit up front where they can see the pastor, musicians, choir etc.Looking at the back of someone’s head does not help them to connect.

Bring your child’s worship bag to church. Make sure it has colored pencils or crayons with a coloring book for younger children to use. For older children have them bring a notebook: to write down unfamiliar words, draw a picture about something they hear in the sermon, take notes during the sermon…

Clue your child into what will happen next in worship. Children who like to read will want to read the words in the Bible, on the screen or in the hymnal. They like to be ready. Keep a bookmark in their bag/notebook so they can find the Scripture text for the day.

Discuss worship when you get home. Take time to answer question about their worship experiences.

Express your joy at having children in worship. After the service, be sure to welcome the children sitting near you. Encourage your children to greet other members of the congregation. When you make introductions, always introduce your children and introduce yourself to other people’s children. Include them in your conversations to let them know they belong.

Firm and consistent. Apply the same discipline used for other important matters. Make the boundaries as wide a you can make them (say yes as much as you can), but the boundaries are FIRM.

Guide young readers to read the hymnal, Bible, the words on the screen, or the bulletin

  1. Look together for familiar words
  2. Follow the lines with a bookmark or bulletin on it its side
  3. Use the large print hymnal

Holy hugs. Use a gentle touch – an arm around your child’s shoulder or your hand in his or hers gives reassurance and appropriate attention.

In and out. Children come in and out of participation. When they can’t keep their focus on the service they can engage in a related activity.

Jesus – to whom our worship is directed.

Keep any activity sheets for the sermon time. Being still and quiet is highly valued by parents and others during this time.

Let your children print their name on the Connection Card.

Make it a rule not to sit with friends. This can become a habit by the time they get to the youth group.

Notice when your child ministers to someone else or is touched in some way by God. Praise him when he’s listening well.

Offering. When we give a tithe to God it shows that we know God is the giver of all good things. You may want to allow your child to put some of his own money in the offering plate as his worship to God.

Participate. Children learn to be passionate about worship by watching you worship in spirit and truth. Let your child see you celebrate before the Lord, maybe even like King David (2 Samuel 6:21-22)

Questions. Whisper questions to your child during the sermon/Scripture readings.

  1. “How do you think Jesus looked and sounded when he said that?”
  2. “What does this say about how you felt yesterday?”
  3. Wondering questions – these keep the Scriptures open by dealing with a child’s experience and understanding of the story. Wondering brings us to the knowledge of God, ourselves and others in a deep and convincing way.
  4. “I wonder why Jesus enjoyed being in the temple so much?”
  5. “I wonder what Bartimaeus is seeing Jesus do now?”

Relax! God put the “wiggle” in children.People in the congregation should also enjoy the freshness of families worshiping together.

Stand “short people” on the pew to “read the hymnal/screen with a “tall person.”

  1. Let them hum or la la along before able to read the words or
  2. Help them sing repeated words or choruses.
  3. During special music have a young child squeeze your hand every time they hear the word Jesus, Glory, etc.
  4. During music without words, children can be asked to listen closely and picture what is going on in the music. Have them think of a Bible story that seems to go along with the music.

Talk about the sermon when you get home and encourage children to share what they learned in the service. Ask them questions and let them ask you questions about what you learned.

Understand their need to move around. Accept them and care for them in the worship setting. Be appreciative of their presence and always be ready to cuddle.

Visit the sanctuary when a service is not going on. Let your child go up front and explore and ask questions.

Whisper instructions.

  1. “Now is the time we tell God about how sorry we are. Remember our talk this morning about being selfish?” Tell Jesus about this right now, and ask him to help you share the last doughnut next time.”
  2. “Listen to this story. It’s a good one.”

EXit when necessary. In certain cases, an exit is desirable: a teething baby, a hurt/distressed child, loud & rambunctious behavior, a toileting emergency, or if a child has set up a distracting pattern of play with another child. Exit relieves tension. Teach your child what behavior is acceptable in worship. When the cause of the child’s complaint is resolved, return. Exiting without reentry is counterproductive.

You are your child’s best worship teacher. Call her attention to the minister, choir, worship leaders, flowers, banners, seasonal colors etc.

Zzzzz: there is no sleeping in God’s presence.

These ideas and quotes taken from Parenting in the Pew by Robbie Castleman.

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The Son of a Pharisee

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It’s probably a verse you have come to know over the course of your Christian life. We quote it around Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and use it to remind parents of their responsibility to raise godly children; it does not happen just because we take our kids to church.

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. – Proverbs 22:6

For the parents of the apostle Paul, these were not simply words of a short verse worth memorizing; they were the foundation of family life. In a Jewish home, it was not the job of the mother to teach spiritual things to the kids, it was the father’s responsibility, who learned it from his own father.

Philippians 3:5 tells us a bit of Paul’s early childhood: circumcised on the eighth day, a part of the children of Israel, the tribe of Benjamin, and even a “Hebrew of Hebrews.” The readers understood that Paul meant nothing but Jewish influence surrounded him in those early years.

The Code of Jewish Law states that “it is the duty of every father to train his children in the practice of all the precepts, whether biblical or rabbinical” and “to guard his children against any forbidden act.” Paul’s father took this responsibility very seriously.

Looking back through New Testament eyes, we tend to put Pharisees in a negative light, since Jesus had so much conflict with them and they ultimately schemed the crucifixion of Christ, but in the first century the Pharisees held a position of great honor. I wonder if Paul spoke from experience when he penned the words to the Ephesian church that fathers must not exasperate their children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).

The Jewish historian Josephus (under contract with the Roman Empire) wrote the Jews lay greater stress on the training of children than on anything else; as one of the most important duties.

Being a Hebrew was not just about religion, or a way of life, but it defined who you were, how you thought and how you felt about life. It affected how you dressed (even the wearing of phylacteries – Exodus 13:9) to what you celebrated (the regular ritual and feasts).

So men, has there been a time in your life when you delegated the task of spiritual instruction to your wife, thinking that religious stuff was for women, or raising the kids is primarily woman’s work? I challenge you to make sure you rethink that position and learn from the life of Paul that religious instruction is the father’s role in the family. There is a phrase that should haunt each of us, “Like father, like son.”

While I don’t want to discount a miracle of God working in our kids lives, but how can we expect our children to mysteriously be right with God one day, or stand up for godly principles, if we ourselves are not right with God? We must model what a relationship with God is all about and train our kids in the way they should go. They might choose another path later on, but it won’t be for a lack of instruction on the father’s part when they were young.

So, what do you need to do to better model what a relationship with Jesus is all about? How well do you know the Bible and the teachings of Christ? Can you pass on the stories and teachings at appropriate times throughout the day, helping your kids know that Christianity is not just something we do on Sundays? Can you quote Scripture in front of your kids, and challenge them to memorize verses as well? How can you relate the teaching of the Bible to the struggles and situations in their daily lives? Have you set up a time each day to read Scripture, a devotional thought and pray? It’s never too late to get on the right path.

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Set Apart From Birth

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This is the first part in a series on the life of the apostle Paul. First off, using the term, “the apostle Paul” may conjure up images of some holy man, spiritual mystic, saintly statue or iconoclastic portrait, but in the original language of the New Testament (Greek), the term apostle really means “one who is sent out.” That is exactly what happened to Paul in the New Testament, he was called by God and sent out with a message. That is what we read about in the book of Acts; Paul and his missionary journeys take up most of the book’s content.

The passage today is from Galatians 1:15-16, where Paul tells us that he was set apart from birth and called by God; that the Father revealed the Son to him so that he might preach to the nations. The question comes, what may have been the upbringing of Paul? In what sort of home was he raised? Taken from Scripture and the Code of Jewish Law (which for centuries has been the foundation of Jewish life), Paul’s life was surrounded by Jewish custom and tradition, and guided his Jewish moral, social and religious behavior.

In Galatians 1:15-16, since Paul mentions being set apart from birth, he describes the rite of circumcision, which is the sign of the covenant (going all the way back to Abraham, Genesis 17:2, 7, 9, 10, 14). Paul includes in his testimony that he was the son of a Pharisee (Acts 23:6), a topic on which I will follow up next time.

The Jewish household was surrounded by Scripture, even from the very front door of the home. A mezuzah (the little container attached to the doorpost) contained a portion of sacred Scripture from Deuteronomy 6:4-9, and Deuteronomy 11:13-21. These are the bedrock of the Jewish faith.

There were three priorities for the devout Jew: study of the Torah (the Law of Moses), marriage, and doing good deeds. I’ll save the look into Paul’s boyhood home for next time.

So, what does this all have to do with us today? When was the last time you looked at your spiritual past? From where did you come? How far has the Lord brought you? You know more than anyone where you have been, and out of what God has saved you. Do you understand that what he has done in your life is no accident? We can also have the same response as Paul, that we have been called from birth. Circumcision is not the issue, but once we have come into a relationship with Christ, we can begin to see that He has guided us down a path that includes providential care and provision. We might not see it during the early or dark days, but hindsight is always 20/20, we can see how God has led us to where we are today. Take time this day to rejoice in what God has done in your life.

Secondly, how committed are you to the Word of God? Does your soul hunger and thirst for the things of God? Do you long to hear from Him? Do the Scriptures comfort your soul and fill your spirit? How do you handle the Word of God? Do your kids know how much the Bible means to you and your spiritual life? Do they see you reading from it and do you teach its principles each day?

One last question: do you sense the need and urgency to make necessary changes to become all that God desires for you to be? Not just for your own sake, but for your family’s sake.

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How Do You Spell Love?

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How’s your summer going? Bethany is on the MFuge trip to Phillly this week and I stopped to think about how fast the summer is passing by. There are only a few weeks left until she heads back to school.

That got me thinking…

Now would be a good time for the Men of Steel to consider how much time we’ve spent with our kids this summer, and how important it is to them that we do. I’m talking about personal, individual time.

Has it been minimal, or have you intentionally put your work and personal interests on hold so that you can invade your child’s world?

Have you spent time reading together? Talking together? Gone on walks, hikes, bike rides? Taken a family vacation together? Gone swimming together? Taken your daughter out on dates? Gone fishing, canoeing, or a ton of other fun outdoor activities with your son?

I read a great quote this week: “The thing our children need most is often in the shortest supply — our time.”

They don’t care or need the “stuff” that a good paying job with long hours can provide. Children of all ages spell love T-I-M-E.

So, before you begin this mental review of your summer schedule, watch this brief video. Hold on to the very end, it’s powerful.

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Be Imitators of Me?

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Did you know that in the original language of the Bible, there is no punctuation? No capitalization, no periods, no paragraphs… not even any chapter and verse numbers. My Bible passage today reflects how those items were later arranged, and sometimes not very well. But the statement is as true today as it was for the original readers in the first century.

To put this into context. I want you to think about your family and raising your kids. Take a look at 1 Corinthians 10:31-11:1

Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ. – (1 Corinthians 11:1)

In his final word on the whole issue of eating meat offered to idols, Paul tells the Corinthians, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1). Notice how 1 Corinthians 11:1 really goes at the end of 1 Corinthians 10:33. Historically, this statement reflects a classic view of education and discipleship. The teacher instructs, not just through words, but also through his actions. Jesus, for example, chose his closest disciples to be with him (Mark 3:13-14) so that they might hear his teaching and so that they might observe his behavior in order to imitate it.

But Paul tells these Corinthians, not just to model themselves after Jesus, but he challenges them to also imitate him (as he imitates Christ). When I first read this, I felt it might seem a little arrogant. Why not just say “Be imitators of Christ”? Who does Paul think he is?

Well, he thinks he is one who has been sent by God to bring the Gentiles into relationship with Jesus Christ and to help them to grow in that relationship with Christ. In this role, Paul is not just the deliverer of the message, but also the living example of the message. We see this clearly in Paul’s letter to the Thessalonians: “Our message of the gospel came to you not in word only, but also in power and in the Holy Spirit and with full conviction; just as you know what kind of persons we proved to be among you for your sake. And you became imitators of us and of the Lord.” (1 Thessalonians 1:5-6)

How would you respond if Skip or I stood up on Sunday and said, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ?” Would that seem arrogant? Out of place? Or would that be exactly the kind of pastoral leader you need, and that God will bless?

How about in your family? Can you stand before your wife and children and say, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ?” It’s not to say that you are perfect, but that you are a man seeking God and following Christ, learning of Christ and actively embracing the “with Him” principle (Mark 3:13-14).

The fact that we fail at times (to be the example of Christ) does not invalidate the effort. Those who lead do so, not only through words, but also through actions.

So ask yourself:

  1. How would you respond if one of your leaders actually said, “Be imitators of me as I am of Christ?”
  2. Why would you respond this way?
  3. Have you ever said anything like this? Why or why not?
  4. Where in life has God called you to be an example of the truth, someone who imitates Christ so that others might be more Christ-like by imitating you?

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A Father’s Blessing, Part 2

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All of chapter 49 of Genesis records the individual blessings Jacob gave his sons. Each one is an example of a father’s careful observation of his son’s character and potential.

“These are the twelve tribes of Israel, and this is what their father said as he told his sons good-bye. He blessed each one with an appropriate message.” Genesis 49:28

Blessings were serious business in Old Testament families. What about today? Could we make a huge impact on our children if we made it a point to voice a parental blessing as part of our regular family life? Authors Gary Smalley and John Trent have written extensively on this subject and their books have a lot of practical suggestions.

One change we can make in our family thinking is to expand the way we treat occasions like birthdays, graduations, holidays, weddings, and other special events. How can we add to these occasions an intentional moment of blessing? Can we find a way to include an “appropriate message” and if so, where can we start?

Some blessings involve tangible gifts (that’s probably where the idea of giving gifts originated), but most blessings are precious, thoughtful and truthful words. A parent’s heart speaks into his or her child’s heart. We often subconsciously attempt to do this by the cards we choose to give. We find one with a message that seems to “fit” how we feel or what we see in our child. These messages can become blessings.

I read about a father who decided that he wanted to influence his kid’s lives on the occasion when each one left home. In his case one left for the military and the other two left for college. In the days before each child’s departure he wrote a small note where he told them it was his “wallet blessing.” On the paper he wrote out his observations regarding their character qualities, his hopes for their future, and a verse of Scripture that reminded him of them. He gave them with little fanfare; and in the middle of all their departure details, he wasn’t sure if the notes had made any impact.

Almost a decade after giving out these blessings, he asked his sons about the notes during a lunch together. Each boy immediately produced his note from his wallet. One had a Xerox copy because the original had gotten worn from use. The men shared a bonding moment around the table that day. Blessings make a difference in our kids’ lives. They are valuable expressions of a loving parent’s heart.

This summer I intend to introduce a letter writing process called, “Letters from Dad” where we will write four intentional letters; one to our wife, children, parents and one for after we depart this world. I hope to include dozens of men from the church and our friends in the community. Imagine the impact we can have on our families.

Then in the fall, we will have a special emphasis called, “To Save a Family.” There are a lot of great things happening at KGBC, hold on for a wild ride.

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A Father's Blessing, Part 1

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Have you ever considered the biblical practice of “the blessing?” Authors Smalley and Trent wrote a book about it called, The Blessing, which is the industry standard on the topic. We can go back to Genesis 27 to see how it was used. Jacob stole this older brother’s blessing (Genesis 27:1-29) and then Esau comes to get his blessing, only to find out it was taken (Genesis 27:30-38). When the blessing is withheld, notice how Esau responds (Genesis 27:34, 38). He was not an emotional, fragile, feminine man. He was a hunter, fisherman and gamesman; I’m thinking like Jeremiah Johnson.

How did the Father communicate His blessing to Jesus? Matthew 3:16-17 is a fine example, He expressed words of affirmation; the Father spoke openly of his pleasure in the Son. Not a bad example for us today. Here is a brief list of what Smalley and Trent teach about how to bless our children:

Meaningful Touch (Genesis 27:26-27): Jacob is 40 years old or more and his daddy is kissing him? Yes. There is a healing, affirming and nurturing dimension to appropriate physical touch in the home. Men, we need to show love by your actions, but don’t leave this out. It may be uncomfortable for you, but think of your kids. Jesus blessed children as well, by bringing them close and touching them (Mark 10:13-14, 16).

Spoken Words (Proverbs 18:21, 12:18, 15:4): A blessing is not a blessing until it is spoken. The tongue has the power to give life or destroy. Let’s speak words of affection (like, I love you), or words of reconciliation (like, I’m sorry, I was wrong, forgive me), or words of vision (like, you’re going to do something great with your life, you’re going to make a difference), or words of security (like, you’re mine, and you’re special, helping them to sense God created them for a purpose). Don’t withhold your words (Proverbs 3:27).

Affirming Your Child’s Value (Genesis 27:27, 28, 29): What happened after Isaac kissed Jacob? Yes, he smelled him, but what did that (and the words that followed) mean? It was like daddy was saying, “Do you know what I think of when I think of you, my son? I think of a field with grain growing. I hear birds singing. I see sun shining. You’re in the middle of the field, tall and strong.” It’s like a word picture; it takes a little creativity, but you can do it. Use an everyday object and then match the emotional meaning of the trait you are praising to the object you’ve picked.

Picturing a Special Future (or Spiritual Vision) (Genesis 27:28): May God give you… basically, spiritual transformation, like a metamorphosis. Where do you see you child when they get older? Wonderful verses of blessing are Psalm 127:3-5, Jeremiah 24:7

Active Commitment (to a Prosperous Vision) (Genesis 27:29): They would be the master of their opposition, their role in life, their finances… and not the reverse. Present your children being blessed to the Lord.

A few final questions… Can you trust God with your most treasured possession? Can you commit your children to their best interest (Proverbs 22:6)? Do you understand their particular bent? Have you become a student of your child? Do you know their friends, activities: do you know their heart? Try asking yourself these questions about your kids:

  • What do they most often daydream about?
  • When they think of their years as a young adult, what would they really enjoy doing?
  • Of all the people they have studied in the Bible, who is the person they would most like to be like? Why?
  • What do they believe God wants them to do?
  • What type of boy/girlfriend are they most attracted to?
  • What is the best/worst part of their school day?

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Teaching Values to Our Kids

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Did you know that parents are the most valuable tool when it comes to teaching values to children? I used to think that the way you taught values was to sit your kids down and talk to them about values. But I was wrong. Our children constantly see us living out our values and they learn their values from us whether we want them to or not!

As missionaries in Zambia, Kim, Stephen and I took a trip to Harare, Zimbabwe for a little holiday. It used to be a great place to enjoy a nicer restaurant, catch a movie, visit a game park, stuff like that. It was good to get away together as a family. One day we saw that a sequel to a movie we enjoyed in the States came to a downtown theatre. It was Disney’s White Fang 2, and we saw the rating was PG-13, for some unreasonable African reason. In a moment of weakness and selfishness, we lied about Stephen’s age (he was 11 at the time). Our rationalization was that it was a Disney film and we knew better. You know what? I taught more about values in that single action than in all of our father-son chats through the years. I grieved the situation later that day, and even today called Stephen to apologize for that poor example of integrity.

As parents we must get our own values right and then live by those values, because our children will quickly learn our values in action. How does it happen? They learn the value of prayer when they see you kneeling in prayer instead of coming apart at the seams when you face a crisis. They learn the value of fidelity when they see their parents remain faithful to each other even in tough times. They learn the value of honesty by seeing their parents remain honest even in the tough times. Parents are the tools of God to teach values to children. So live wisely – you’re being watched!

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What’s Your Epitaph?

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I’ve just started reading a book by Bob Buford, called Halftime. Here are some introductory remarks:

 

The subject of death is never a fun one, but I wanted to ask a probing question. When it’s your time, and you’ve left this life, what would you want on your tombstone? What would you select as your epitaph? As we look into this question, let’s put it in the context of Matthew 13:3-9.

 

The seed that fell on the good soil grew and produced a crop one hundred fold. In business, that would be considered a pretty good investment! St. Augustine said that asking yourself the question of your own legacy (what do I want to be remembered for?) is the beginning of adulthood. An epitaph is more than a fancy slogan or wishful personal motto. It says something about who you are, down to the essence of your personality and your soul.

 

We are spiritual beings, not merely machines or animals. God has set eternity in our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3:11) and it tells that we can have purpose and leave a destiny. For believers, we exchange this life for something much greater.

 

In today’s parable, which soil do you desire to be? Only the good soil is free from mediocrity and apathy. The desire is to have this life count for something, and to pass it on to the next generation… to our kids. When we look at life as an adult, it’s almost as if we are at halftime. Halftime is many sports is when we get to rest a bit, but more importantly we evaluate the first half and strategize for the second half. The first half of life we don’t have much time to think about how we will spend the rest of our lives. We rushed through college, fell in love and got married, started a career, climbed upward, and acquired stuff that made life more comfortable.

 

You played hard during the first half, and might have been winning, but the older you get, keeping score does not offer the thrill it once did. You’ve taken some hits, and you have come to halftime with some pain: serious pain, like divorce, disappointment, too much alcohol, not enough time for your kids, guilt, loneliness, trapped in bad habits. You started with good intentions but got blindsided along the way.

 

Even if your pain is slight, you’re smart enough to know that you can’t play the second half the same way you did as the first half. We don’t fear the end of the game, but you want to make sure you finish well. The first half is your quest for success; the second half is your search for significance. It’s the second half of life that causes us to ask questions about legacy.

 

Athletes will tell you, the game is won or lost in the second half. It’s possible to make first half mistakes, be down at halftime, and still come out a winner, as long as you make changes in the second half. You won’t win by playing the same way as the first half.

 

Some people never get to the second half; they never grow up. Some don’t even know the second half exists. Once you turn 35, your life is not set toward aging and decline. Life is not over at 40. There are still things that you can do to leave a legacy worth remembering. You can move from success to significance. I trust that the Men of Steel can help you create an epitaph for your life, and a legacy for your family.

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Help Your Kids Pick Good Friends

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I was reading the Lifeway magazine “Living with Teenagers” (Feb 2009) and it’s full of great information this month. One article on finding friends I find exceptionally noteworthy today:

 

Your teenager may have a couple hundred friends on his Facebook page, but how does s/he find real friends? How can parents help?

 

  • Reflect on your own friends when you were a teen.
  • Understand it takes some time.
  • Get to know your teenager’s friends and pray for them.
  • Help them to see that God is relational and created us to connect with others (Matthew 22:37-39).
  • Help them think through the qualities of a good friend; perhaps define the word “friend.”
  • Share examples of poor friends:
    • Shallow friends (Proverbs 18:24),
    • Foolish friends (Proverbs 13:20, Proverbs 14:17),
    • Mean girls – and boys (Proverbs 12:26),
    • Gossiping friends (Proverbs 16:28, Proverbs 20:19),
    • Volatile friends (Proverbs 22:24-25),
    • Fair weather friends (Proverbs 17:17).

 

Measure how good a friend you are (each question is worth 10 points):

 

  1. ____ I haven’t passed on any gossip this week; I keep things to myself.
  2. ____ I am a good listener; I make eye contact and ask follow-up questions.
  3. ____ I am even-tempered; I don’t explode or withdraw when upset.
  4. ____ I am happy for people, not threatened, when they succeed.
  5. ____ I feel sad when others (including those I don’t like) fail.
  6. ____ I have the skills to be honest about things that bother me in a relationship; when I’m honest the problem is usually resolved.
  7. ____ I appreciate someone who is honest with me; I receive it gracefully.
  8. ____ I take appropriate responsibility for my behavior.
  9. ____ One of my strengths is picking the right kind of friends.
  10. ____ I can avoid foolish and wicked people without creating a scene.

 

How’d you do? The closer to 100 you are, the better friend you are! Ask your friends to take the test with you in mind and see how the two compare.

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