Author: Scott Chafee

Scott serves on staff at King’s Grant Baptist Church in Virginia Beach.

The Importance of Purity

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God gave man and woman the joy and pleasure of sexual relations within the bounds of marriage, and the Bible is clear about the importance of maintaining sexual purity within the boundaries of that union between man and wife (Ephesians 5:31). We take this to extremes, outside of marriage and it causes all sorts of troubles. The secular world’s philosophy of “if it feels good, do it” permeates our culture to the point where sexual purity is seen as archaic and unnecessary.

Let’s look at what God says about sexual purity.

You should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, 7).

This passage outlines God’s reasons for calling for sexual purity in the lives of His followers.

We are “sanctified” and for that reason, we are to avoid sexual immorality.

  1. The Greek word translated “sanctified” means literally “purified, made holy, consecrated [unto God].”
  2. As Christians, we are to live a purified life because we have been made holy by the exchange of our sin for the righteousness of Christ on the cross and have been made completely new creations in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17-21).
  3. Our old natures, with all their impurities, sexual and otherwise, have died and now the life we live, we live by faith in the One who died for us (Galatians 2:20).
  4. To continue in sexual impurity (fornication) is to deny that and doing so is, in fact, a legitimate reason to question whether we have ever truly been born again.
  5. Sanctification, the process by which we become more and more Christlike, is an essential evidence of the reality of our salvation.

We see the necessity of controlling our bodies.

  1. When we give in to sexual immorality, we give evidence that the Holy Spirit is not indwelling us because we do not possess one of the fruits of the Spirit—self-control.
  2. All believers display the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) to a greater or lesser degree depending on the length of time they have walked with God.
  3. Uncontrolled “passionate lust” is a work of the flesh (Galatians 5:19), not of the Spirit. So controlling our lusts and living sexually pure lives is essential to anyone who professes to know Christ. In doing so, we honor God with our bodies (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).

We know God’s rules and discipline reflect His love for us.

  1. Following what God says can only help us during our time on earth.
  2. By maintaining sexual purity before marriage, we avoid past emotional entanglements that may negatively affect present relationships and marriages.
  3. Further by keeping the marriage bed pure (Hebrews 13:4), we can experience unreserved love for our mates, which is surpassed only by God’s enormous love for us.

Why is Jesus Unique?

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Why do we think that Jesus is the only Savior?

Because of all the people who have lived and ever will live, Jesus alone qualifies, in his person and work, as the only one capable of accomplishing atonement for the sin of the world. Consider the following ways in which Jesus alone qualifies as the exclusive Savior.

Christ alone was conceived by the Holy Spirit and born of a virgin (Isaiah 7:14, Matthew 1:18-25; Luke 1:26-38). This alone qualifies him to be the Savior. Why does this matter? Only as the Holy Spirit takes the place of the human father in Jesus’ conception can it be true that the one conceived is both fully God and fully man. Christ must be both God and man to atone for sin (see below), but for this to occur, he must be conceived by the Holy Spirit and born of a human virgin. No one else in the history of the world is conceived by the Spirit and born of a virgin mother. Therefore, Jesus alone qualifies to be Savior.

Christ alone is God incarnate (John 1:1-18, Hebrews 1:1-3, 2:14-18, Philippians 2:5-11, 1 Timothy 2:5-6). So, Jesus alone qualifies him to be the Savior. As Anselm argued in the 11th century, our Savior must be fully man in order to take the place of men and die in their stead, and he must be fully God in order for the value of his sacrificial payment to satisfy the demands of our infinitely holy God. Man he must be, but a mere man simply could not make this infinite payment for sin. But no one else in the history of the world is both fully God and fully man. Therefore, Jesus alone qualifies to be Savior.

Christ alone lived a sinless life (2 Corinthians 5:21, Hebrews 4:15, 7:23-28, 9:13-14, 1 Peter 2:21-24). Because of this, Jesus alone qualifies to be the Savior. As Leviticus makes clear, animals offered as sacrifices for sin must be without blemish. The animals prefaced the sacrifice of Christ who, as sinless, was able to die for the sins of others and not for himself. But no one else in the history of the world has lived a totally sinless life. Therefore, Jesus alone qualifies to be Savior.

Becoming a Growing Disciple

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To be a disciple means to be a student. Christians need to be students of God, Jesus, the Bible, and the people in our lives. We should be learning on our own as we become not only disciples OF Jesus but also disciples FOR Jesus. Perhaps memorize these verses and see if you gain a better understand how to be a “student of Jesus” for the sake of the Kingdom of God.

Disciple of God: God calls us to be his disciples first and foremost. It is easier to see Jesus as our teacher, or to see the people around us as teachers, but God is our ultimate teacher (Matthew 22:37, Deuteronomy 7:9).

Disciple of Christ: John 13:13 quotes Jesus as saying, “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am.” He is the greatest teacher who has ever lived (1 John 2:6, Colossians 2:6).

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Philippians 2:10-11

Disciple of the Word: The Bible is a critical component in the life journey of followers of Jesus. It is also critical to our ability to lead and witness to lost people around us (Deuteronomy 11:18,19, James 1:22)

Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. Romans 15:4

Disciple of Others: God puts us into a community and we learn and grow within that community. Don’t dismiss the importance of being an active member of your church. You should also have a mentor or coach to help you learn (Ecclesiastes 4:9, 10; Romans 12:4-5).

Disciple of Life: The world isn’t a mistake; it’s God’s creation for us to enjoy. Always learn from your experiences. Life is a string of teachable moments (1 Timothy 4:8, Colossians 3:23).

Disciple for Christ: A substantial part of learning is doing. You can listen to a talk about how to drive a car, but until you actually do it, you don’t know what it’s really like. You have been called to be a disciple for Christ, which means you are his advocate for his work in this world (1 John 3:18, 1 Corinthians 2:4-5).

Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Colossians 4:5

Hard & Painful Decisions

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This is session two of my study on Decisions: Seeking God’s Guidance. This section looks closely at Acts 20:17-21:14

The purpose today is to observe a case study of how God enabled a person to follow his will even when it was painful.

“We are not necessarily doubting,” said C. S. Lewis, “that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

Describe a time when God’s best has been painful for you. How has this experience affected you?

Do you ever fear God’s will? When and why?

The apostle Paul made a momentous decision to return to Jerusalem. Even though many Christians urged Paul not to go and warned him that he would be arrested in Jerusalem, still Paul remained convinced that this was what he should do. As he traveled, he made several brief stops to visit friends, explain his decision and say farewell.

1. If you had been in Paul’s position, would you have gone to Jerusalem? Why or why not?

2. For Paul, what were the issues involved in his decision to go to Jerusalem?

“His overriding concern is not at all costs to survive, but rather that he may finish the race and complete his Christ-given task of bearing witness to the good news of God’s grace” (John R. W. Stott).

3. What do you find admirable about Paul’s convictions? The words of Thomas a Kempis may be helpful in answering this question. He wrote:

“Jesus hath now many lovers of his heavenly kingdom, but few bearers of his cross. He hath many desirous of comfort, but few of tribulation. He finds many companions of his table, but few of his abstinence. All desire to rejoice with him, few are willing to endure anything for him. Many follow Jesus unto the breaking of bread; but few to the drinking of the cup of his passion. . . . Many love Jesus so long as adversities do not happen. Many praise and bless him, so long as they receive comforts from him.” (The Imitation of Christ).

4. How are your convictions similar to or different from Paul’s?

5. What price have you had to pay for your convictions?

6. If God wanted Paul to go to Jerusalem, why did the Holy Spirit give so many warnings not to go?

The warnings were given not to discourage Paul, but to warn him. John Stott draws a distinction between a prediction and a prohibition:

The better solution is to draw a distinction between a prediction and a prohibition. Certainly Agabus only predicted that Paul would be bound and handed over to the Gentiles (Acts 21:11); the pleadings with Paul which followed are not attributed to the Spirit and may have been the fallible (indeed mistaken) human deduction from the Spirit’s prophecy. For if Paul had heeded his friends’ pleas, then Agabus’ prophecy would not have been fulfilled! It is more difficult to understand Acts 21:4 in this way, since the “urging” itself is said to be “through the Spirit.” But perhaps Luke’s statement is a condensed way of saying that the warning was divine while the urging was human. After all, the Spirit’s word to Paul combined the compulsion to go with a warning of the consequences (Acts 20:22-23).

7. How did Paul’s meetings with various communities of disciples encourage and prepare him to enter Jerusalem?

Even though Paul’s friends mistook the prophecy of hardship and imminent suffering for a sign that God did not want Paul in Jerusalem, they were still used as God’s agents of encouragement. They gave a message from the Holy Spirit that confirmed the one Paul had already received, they demonstrated that Paul was deeply loved by them and by God, and they prayed with him.

8. How has God encouraged and prepared you for difficult times in your life?

9. Many Christians expect God’s will to be the most pleasant and trouble-free alternative, but from Paul’s experience, that is apparently not so. What would be better criteria for interpreting God’s will?

  • First, to know God’s will we must first accept God’s salvation in Christ. It is God’s will that none should perish.
  • Second, to know God’s will we must be obedient to God’s word as recorded in the Scriptures. We find 90 percent of God’s will right there.
  • Third, to know God’s will we must pray and earnestly seek His direction.
  • Fourth, to know God’s will we must listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit. (George and Donald Sweeting)

10. In your decision-making process, have you usually been more concerned about personal comfort or following God? How has this been shown?

11. Acts 21:14 says that in the end, the disciples “gave up and said, ‘The Lord’s will be done.'” Why is it so often difficult to give in to the Lord’s will?

When the people said, “The Lord’s will be done,” they were making a positive affirmation, not a stoic resignation. To make such a statement is a cry of faith and trust that “God is good, all the time!”

12. What are you having difficulty giving up to God’s will?

Pray for each person in your group who is facing a difficult or painful decision.

Now or Later: A vivid description of someone facing a painful decision is found in the story of Jesus at Gethsemane. Read Mark 14:32-42.

  1. Compare and contrast Jesus’ decision to go to the cross with Paul’s decision to go to Jerusalem.
  2. What encouragement do Jesus’ and Paul’s examples give you for facing your own painful choices?
  3. What do you learn from these stories about how to encourage a friend who is facing a painful decision?

Extras:

Acts 20:22-23 Having reviewed his past conduct among the Ephesians, the apostle now looks ahead to the sufferings that await him. He was constrained in his spirit to go to Jerusalem. It was an inner compulsion, which he was apparently unable to throw off. Although he did not know exactly what the turn of events would be in Jerusalem, he did know that chains and tribulations would be a regular part of his life. The Holy Spirit had been making this fact known to him in every city, perhaps through the ministry of prophets, or perhaps by the mysterious, inner communication of divine intelligence.

Acts 20:24 As the apostle weighed this outlook in his mind, he did not think that his own life was the great consideration. His ambition was to obey God and to please Him. If in doing this, he would be called upon to offer up his life, he was willing to do so. No sacrifice he could make would be too great for the One who died for him. All that mattered was that he finish his race and complete the ministry which he received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. No title could better express the good news which Paul preached—the gospel of the grace of God.

Acts 21:4b It was during this time that these disciples told Paul through the Spirit that he should not set foot in Jerusalem. This raises the age-old question as to whether Paul was deliberately disobedient in going to Jerusalem, whether he unwittingly failed to discern the mind of the Lord, or whether he was actually in the will of God in going. A casual reading of verse 4b might seem to indicate that the apostle was willful and headstrong, acting in deliberate defiance of the Spirit. However, a more careful reading might indicate that Paul did not actually know that these warnings were given through the Spirit. Luke, the historian, tells his readers that the advice of the Tyrian disciples was Spirit-inspired, but he does not say that the apostle knew this as a definite fact. It seems far more probable that Paul interpreted the advice of his friends as calculated to save him from physical suffering or even death. In his love for his Jewish countrymen, he did not feel that his physical well-being was the important consideration.

Acts 21:10-11 During Paul’s stay in Caesarea, a certain prophet named Agabus came down from Judea. It was the same prophet who came to Antioch from Jerusalem and predicted the famine which took place during the reign of Claudius (Acts 11:28). Now he took Paul’s belt and bound his own hands and feet with it. By this dramatic action, like many of the prophets before him, he was acting out his message. Then he gave the meaning of the object lesson. Just as he had bound himself, hands and feet, so would the Jews of Jerusalem bind the hands and feet of Paul and deliver him over to the Gentile authorities. Paul’s service for the Jews (symbolized by the belt) would result in his being captured by them.

Acts 21:12-14 When the apostle’s companions and the Christians in Caesarea heard this, they pleaded with him not to go up to Jerusalem. But he could not sympathize with their concern. Their tears only served to break his heart. Should the fear of chains and imprisonment restrain him from doing what he considered to be God’s will? He would have them know that he was ready not only to be bound, but also to die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus. All their arguments proved of no value. He was determined to go, and so they simply said, “The will of the Lord be done.”

It is difficult to believe that Paul’s parting words were spoken by a man who was knowingly disobeying the guidance of the Holy Spirit. We know that the disciples in Tyre told him through the Spirit that he should not go to Jerusalem (Acts 21:4). But did Paul know they spoke through the Spirit? And did not the Lord later seem to approve his trip to Jerusalem when He said, “Be of good cheer, Paul; for as you have testified for Me in Jerusalem, so you must also bear witness at Rome” (Acts 23:11)?

Two things are clear:

  1. First, Paul did not think his personal safety was the main consideration in serving the Lord.
  2. Second, the Lord overruled all these events for His glory.

Paul’s Major Teachings

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Aside from Jesus, the apostle Paul is probably the most eloquent and persuasive teacher in the Bible. Many of the doctrines he taught are considered the foundational for the Christian faith.

Born a Jew in Tarsus, he was a Roman citizen, tent-maker, and a Pharisee, responsible for persecution of Christians before his conversion on the road to Damascus (Acts 9:1–9). He became a faithful follower of Jesus, a dedicated missionary, and a respected leader in the early church. Here are a few of his major teachings.

1. Justification by faith: According to Paul, God ushered in a new era through the death of his Son. Under the old covenant, people, such as Abraham, were justified by believing God, looking forward to the promise of the coming Messiah (Genesis 15:6; Romans 4:22). Now we are justified, or declared righteous before God, through faith in the Messiah, Jesus Christ, and His atoning death on our behalf. Our justification is based on the work of Christ, accomplished through His blood (Romans 5:9), and brought to His people through His resurrection (Romans 4:25).

2. Jesus Christ as the risen and living Son of God: From the moment Jesus appeared to Paul at his dramatic conversion, Paul never hesitated to proclaim Jesus as the mystery of the ages and the great Redeemer of sinful humanity (1 Corinthians 15:1–20). To Paul, Jesus was the Messiah, God’s Son, the center of the gospel, and the One through whom “all things were created” (Colossians 1:16).

3. The church as the body of Christ: The only New Testament writer who speaks of the church as a body, Paul emphasized this fact in such passages as Ephesians 1:22, 23; 4:7–16; and 1 Corinthians 12. He also reminded Christians that their various gifts were to be used in building up the body of Christ and that they should work together for the common good of the Christian cause (Romans 12:4-5).

4. The power and influence of the Holy Spirit in the Christian’s life: Paul taught that the Holy Spirit was a more effective power for holy living in the Christian’s life than the old Jewish Law had ever been. The Law told people what to do, but it could not provide the will or the power to do it. God’s Spirit could provide the necessary power and motivation (Romans 8:9–17; Galatians 5:16–25).

5. The second coming of Christ: This includes the consummation of the kingdom of God as the redeemed are received into God’s presence. Paul taught that Christ will return to earth at the end of this age and that all Christians will share in His glory in the age to come (1 Thessalonians 4:13–18; 1 Corinthians 15:20–28).

Notes from the Open Bible

Why is God Silent?

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This is the first study in my Decisions: Seeking God’s Guidance class, Wednesdays at King’s Grant Baptist Church.

The purpose today is to show that our sinfulness has blocked communication with God and to see that he will direct us as we obey.

When have you ever fasted? Why or why not?

What benefit did you experience?

An enemy of Joan of Arc once mocked her by jeering, “She says she hears God’s voice; why don’t I hear his voice?” It is reported that Joan replied, “Don’t you wish you did?”

1. If you could ask God one question and be assured of an answer, what would it be?

2. Why have you begun a Bible study on making decisions? Begin by praying that God will lead you in the decision you are facing.

In the year 537 B.C., Cyrus, King of Persia, allowed a small number of his Jewish captives to return to Jerusalem for the purpose of rebuilding the temple. The foundation for the new temple was quickly laid, but then the political situation became uncertain, circumstances interrupted, and economic troubles became so severe that the operation was discontinued. Isaiah 58 is a message for these confused and off-track people.

1. What frustrations do the people feel with God?

The return to Jerusalem had not proven to be the grand, all-transforming experience the people had expected. Fresh troubles continued to make life just as hard or harder than it had been in captivity. The people were asking for God’s help but felt that he was ignoring them.

2. When have you felt a similar frustration with him?

3. What have the people done to try to gain God’s guidance? In what ways did God’s people seem to do the right things (Isaiah 58:1-3a)?

The phrases “they seek me out,” “ask me for just decisions” and “we humbled ourselves” (Isaiah 58:2-3) indicate that the people have come to God with many forms of worship in addition to fasting. They have also prayed, cried out, put on sackcloth and wept. How did they spoil it (Isaiah 58:3b-5)?

4. In what similar ways do people attempt to discover God’s will today?

5. Why does God declare the people rebellious (or acting so pious) (Isaiah 58:1)?

All of the fasting and praying was only an external form. The people said words and went through motions that would make it look as if they were repentant and humble before God. In reality, the people were absorbed in seeking their own selfish pleasures, even while they appeared to be worshiping God.

6. If the people’s fasting was sincere, how would it have been different?

In fasting that pleases God, actions directed toward God are combined with actions directed toward people. This is expressed in several ways, such as providing food, shelter and clothing. However, of all the conceivable acts of caring, setting people free from bondage seems to be the most important in this passage. The people were to remember that they themselves had recently been living in exile. They had often been told, “Remember that you were a slave in Egypt.” God wanted them to have the compassion for others that had been shown to them.

7. What is the connection between receiving God’s guidance and a concern for justice?

Isaiah 59:2 states, “But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.” It may be helpful to think of a light switch. Ignoring God’s concern for justice is like turning off the switch and breaking our contact with God. Heeding God’s concern is like turning on the switch and restoring contact.

8. What promises does God make in Isaiah 58:8-14?

For the people of the Old Testament, salvation was not thought of as a state of bliss, but as living in constant dialogue with God. It is this intimacy with God that is being promised here. Notice that some of the promises are for individuals (as in Isaiah 58:8-10), while other promises are for the nation (Isaiah 58:11-12).

9. What are the requirements for receiving these promises?

God wants signs of right character in those whose prayers he answers, for such character is the only guarantee that what he gives is rightly accepted and rightly used.

10. Why might God be withholding his light from us as a nation? How about from you as an individual?

11. What have you learned from this passage that will help you to discover God’s will and direction in your life?

Take time to confess your lack of sincerity and to ask for God’s light to break forth.

Now or Later: This is a fairly lengthy passage. You will want to study it on your own between sessions or take an extra session to discuss it.

The letter to the Ephesians explains why many people have become ignorant of and separated from God. Read Ephesians 4:17-5:21.

  1. What are the results of doing things our own way?
  2. What behaviors are to characterize our new life as Christians?
  3. Which of the commands in these verses are the most difficult for you to keep?
  4. How will keeping these commands help you to hear the voice of God?

Doing what you please is unacceptable

  1. The wrong way to fast (1-5) Boasting and you think it makes God happy?
  2. The right way to fast (6-14)
    1. The facts (6-10) Sharing with others
    2. The fruits (11-12) Guided by God

What is Bad Religion?

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Have you ever been disappointed or even angry with religion? Perhaps you’ve heard someone say that the church is full of hypocrites. Maybe you’ve even said that yourself!

This is a passage of Scripture that we looked at last night, the first is out series on Decision: Seeking God’s Guidance. At the end, you’ll see how this chapter fits into the topic.

Isaiah rebuked Israel for practicing bad religion—religion that benefited no one and offended God (Isaiah 58:1–14). The prophet specifically zeroed in on fasting (Isaiah 58:2–5), pointing out ways in which the people misused this important spiritual discipline:

  • They nagged God in the interests of their own personal gain.
  • While seeking their own self-interests, they exploited their laborers.
  • Their fasts became a source of strife, debate, and hostility toward others.
  • They used severe fasting practices to call attention to themselves.

After challenging these practices, Isaiah described what true fasting ought to be like (Isaiah 58:6–13):

  • It should result in bringing relief to the oppressed.
  • It should result in feeding the hungry.
  • It should result in the poor being taken into homes for shelter and clothing.
  • Superior attitudes of finger pointing and evil should decline and ultimately disappear.
  • It should lead to repairing things, including damaged relationships.
  • It should involve treating the Sabbath as a day to worship the Lord rather than continuing to work for personal gain.

It’s easy to point the finger at others and criticize or ridicule their religious practices and spiritual life, but what about your own patterns of faith? How do they measure up to the Lord’s description of true religion? If there are places where you need to change, find at least one other person who will hold you accountable for making the necessary reforms.

For me, Isaiah 58:11 ties this chapter to the key on seeking God’s guidance: The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. Pay attention to THIS chapter to better position yourself to hear from God and allow him to guide you.

Praise Team Penalties

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In honor of football season, I thought it would be fun to see what penalties can be thrown at the praise team!

  1. False Start: when the worship leader skips the lead break & jumps back into the chorus.
  2. Roughing the Pastor: when the praise team takes too much time leaving the sermon rushed or going past 12:00.
  3. Illegal Use of the Budget: when the praise team buys a killer sound and light system with a smoke machine and pyrotechnics.
  4. Penalty Challenge Flags: when deacons throw the penalty flag to challenge the key the praise team sings the newest Tomlin tune.
  5. Delay of Benediction: when the praise team repeats the final song’s chorus until it is memorized by the congregation.
  6. Encroachment: when the praise team knows the message is 25 minutes long and they don’t start the sermon video until 11:40.
  7. Face Masking: when the praise team makes the congregation sing songs of personal reflection & commitment, thus challenging people to remove the masks they often wear to church.
  8. Holding: when the praise team tells people to hold hands for prayer, or while singing a “community building” song (like “bless be the tie that binds” or “we are one in the bond of love”). Man-up the church!
  9. Illegal Contact: when the praise team takes that command to “greet one another with a holy kiss” too far.
  10. Illegal Formation: when the praise team sets up with three guitars, a bass guitar, two drummers, a keyboard and four vocalists.
  11. Illegal Motion: when the praise team gets people worked up swaying to the music, closing their eyes and raising their hands, so that the deacons have to step in.
  12. Neutral Zone Infraction: when the praise team allows the front row to form a mosh pit.
  13. Offside: when the praise team sets up the stage with a total lack of symmetry. Alternate penalty: when the praise team is so loud on the final song that someone responding to the invitation must be taken off to the side to talk or pray.
  14. Intentional Grounding: when the praise team makes people sit down during the offering time music.

What other penalties will you add to this list? Comment below.

Levels of Communication

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While we may pride ourselves in being open and honest with others, the truth is we all have to put on suits of armor to protect our thoughts and feelings. From the moment Adam and Eve recognized their sin, they sought to cover themselves and hide. They no longer wanted to be open and honest with God. Each of us, in our own way, does the same. We develop a fake outer layer that hide inner needs.

The following levels of communication are stages of personal development that will bring you out of hiding in order to communicate honestly with God, to face truth and to be vulnerable with others.

“Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves … and they hid from the LORD God.” (Genesis 3:7–8)

Level #1 Common (superficial): General remarks or inquiries that are appropriate between strangers represent the most superficial level of communication. While this kind of communication is often only a polite exchange to acknowledge someone, it can also open the door to deeper levels of communicating.

  • Examples: “Nice to meet you.” “Where are the elevators?”
  • Biblical Example: John 4:7–9.

Level #2 Casual: Statements and information are shared, but no real personal interaction occurs. This level of communication centers on other people, events or places.

  • Examples: “Did you know Mary Jones when you grew up?” “Have you ever been to the ocean?”
  • Biblical Example: Read John 4:10–11

Level #3 Comfortable: Thoughts and ideas are communicated in this first step toward risk taking. Objections, judgments, and decisions are easily expressed. True interaction is still guarded while one’s emotional antenna looks for any signs of disapproval or rejection.

  • Examples: “I really think the government has too much control over our children’s education.” “It would be hard to live in a climate that has extremely cold winters.”
  • Biblical Example: Read John 4:12–14

Level #4 Caring: Feelings and emotions are shared by moving beyond “head talk” into revealing “who I am.” Ideas are still communicated, but now the facts are accompanied by how I really feel about these ideas. I am expressing a sincere desire that you know and understand me. I am willing to risk sharing my own perspective so that I can then understand yours. And I will do so with courtesy.

  • Examples: “God has given you many talents … and sometimes I feel inferior.” “I think you are very smart … and it makes me proud to be your friend.”
  • Biblical Example: Read John 4:16–26

Level #5 Committed: Freedom from all fear of judgment or rejection may allow for complete emotional connection with another person. Reserved for communion with God, with a marriage partner or with the closest of friends, this highest level of communication requires complete openness and deep honesty. In these encounters deeply held beliefs and feelings are totally shared. Two lives are joined, two spirits are united and feelings are reciprocated. There is mutual understanding and empathy. This level of communication takes hard work. It is much more difficult to communicate heartfelt emotions than it is to communicate factual information. It also takes time: understanding does not come in casual conversation, but rather in extended interaction. This level of communication succeeds only with positive regard for one another.

  • Examples: “Perhaps I’m too sensitive, but it hurt me when you shared the details of my illness with your friend.” “I don’t know why it bothers me when you laugh at my mistakes, but it does.”
  • Biblical Example: Read John 11:32–35

Dishonesty has a way of creeping into all our relationships, but the ultimate price of any deception results in the disintegration of honest communication. Anyone who enters into a relationship thinking that it is good to keep the peace by disguising true feelings has developed patterns that destroy the bridge to deep and fulfilling communication.

“A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit.” (Proverbs 26:24)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Communication: The Heart of the Matter. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

The Top 10 in Communication

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The Bible gives many directives for the words we use in communicating with others. The following are Ten Commandments that reflect fundamental principles of godly communication.

  1. Your words are to be truthful: “The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful” (Proverbs 12:22)
  2. Your words are to be pleasing to God: “May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight” (Psalm 19:14)
  3. Your words are to be life-giving: “The tongue has the power of life and death” (Proverbs 18:21)
  4. Your words are to be encouraging: “Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
  5. Your words are to be gracious: “Words from a wise man’s mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips” (Ecclesiastes 10:12)
  6. Your words are to be wise: “Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning, but a rod is for the back of him who lacks judgment” (Proverbs 10:13)
  7. Your words are to be few: “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise” (Proverbs 10:19)
  8. Your words are to be timely: “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word!” (Proverbs 15:23)
  9. Your words are to be an investment: “From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands rewards him” (Proverbs 12:14)
  10. Your words are to be loving: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal” (1 Corinthians 13:1)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Communication: The Heart of the Matter. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.