Author: Scott Chafee

Scott serves on staff at King’s Grant Baptist Church in Virginia Beach.

Genuine Communication

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In college we hit on these types of characteristics of good relational communication:

Warmth—conveying acceptance and courtesy: Warmth says, “You are important to me. You are valuable to me. I enjoy and respect you. I will not try to make you a carbon copy of myself, but rather I desire that you fully realize your own potential.”

Genuineness—having no hidden agendas: Genuineness says, “I am not trying to manipulate you, nor am I trying to bend you to my will. I want to make it safe for you to communicate with me and safe for you to trust that I will be truthful with you.”

Empathy—putting yourself in the other person’s circumstances, or walking in their shoes: Empathy says, “While I may not know exactly what you are going through, I’m trying to understand the emotions you feel and the challenges you face. I will seek to understand you, rather than trying to make you understand me.”

You can see how these characteristics will deepen one’s understand, communication and relationships.

Personal Communication

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We are having a seminar on Communication on September 12, so in preparation, I thought I’d post a few thoughts on the topic:

Many conversations can be compared to a table tennis match: two players stand on opposite ends of the table preparing to send the ball across the net in such a way that the other has little or no chance of a successful return. When I was a kid, the goal was to keep the ball going back and forth for as long as we could!

Good relational conversations can be better characterized as a game of “catch,” when both people attempt to deliver the ball to the other in such a way that it can be received and then successfully returned. The goal is not to win but to keep the ball going back and forth between them.

As I remember back to my counseling and guidance classes in college, I recall that satisfying relational communication is a process of verbal and nonverbal interaction with others in which thoughts and feelings are shared and understood. This means the receiver of the communication hears what is said and understands what is meant by the sender.

  • Verbal communication conveys thoughts and feelings with the spoken word, both choice of words and tone of voice.
  • Nonverbal communication expresses thoughts and feelings without words (facial expressions, body posture, hand gestures, direct or indirect eye contact, patient or impatient listening, gentle or rough touch, style of dress and clothing, apathetic or silent responses, platonic or romantic kisses, style of discipline, use of money or gifts).

The Hebrew word dabar, which means “word,” is used in the Old Testament to express the concept of communication. It implies speaking about a matter. The Bible, referred to as God’s Word, speaks to us about God and is one of the ways God speaks to us on matters pertaining to life. Old Testament language also speaks about the life-giving power of God’s Word.

“He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.” (Psalm 107:20)

In New Testament Greek, logos (word) is not just “the expression of a thought, concept or idea,” but refers also to the name of an object. In the first chapter of John, “the Word” (logos) signifies the Divine Expression, Christ.

“The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.” (John 1:14)

So, communication is much more than simply words. The big question for a believer in regard to communication is, “How can I communicate with others in a way that is most pleasing to God?”

The method of communication most pleasing to God is one that reflects Jesus Christ in all you say and do. That means allowing Jesus Christ to be Lord of your life … allowing Him to express His words and actions through you.

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (Colossians 3:16–17)

Developing Spiritual Discernment

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The longer one is a follower of Jesus Christ, the greater one should have spiritual discernment, which is the ability to determine right from wrong, good from evil, this direction or that.

Discernment does not come by flipping a coin and saying “heads or tails,” and it doesn’t completely rely on common sense or the conscience. Spiritual discernment is a gift from God and comes to us through the Holy Spirit, who dwells in every authentic Christian. It is the supernatural ability to “know” something not because of personal knowledge or experience, but because of personal time spent with God in prayer and time spent in his Word.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord. (James 1:5–7)

The ability to know God and discern his will for your life comes through…

Salvation: Spiritual things can be discerned only by the indwelling Holy Spirit. When you trust Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you have met the prerequisite for knowing the mind of Christ. The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man’s judgment: ‘For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?’ But we have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:15–16).

Scripture: As you study Scripture, you learn how God works in the lives of His people. Understanding God’s principles gives you a basis for knowing how He is working in your life today.

  • The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise (Psalm 111:10).
  • These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come (1 Corinthians 10:11).

Situations: Are you focusing on God’s will for your future? Instead, focus on God’s purpose in your present situation, and trust Him with your future. God always has a personal will for you, and your responsibility is to adjust to what He is doing in your life right now. Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own (Matthew 6:33–34).

Surrender: Are you surrendering to what God wants to do in your life today? Pray to be moldable clay in the Potter’s hand, allowing God to mold and shape you into the vessel of His choosing. O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does? declares the LORD. Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel (Jeremiah 18:6).

Servanthood: Have you given up ownership of your own life? When your heart is willing to be God’s servant no matter the cost, He will reveal His plan for you. No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money. Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? (Matthew 6:24–25).

Testing our Decisions

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How does one know if they are making the right decision, it may be more practical than you think. From God’s perspective, decisions are not to be determined by random selection, supernatural events, people’s opinions, delay tactics, analytical thinking, or good feelings. God wants you to measure your decisions by his standards. Rather than testing God, test yourself using these Scriptures:

Scriptural Test: Has God already spoken about it in His Word? All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16). Maybe marrying a nonbeliever in hopes of drawing the spouse to Christ even though 2 Corinthians 6:14 says not to be yoked together with unbelievers.

Secrecy Test: Would it bother me if everyone knew this was my choice? The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity (Proverbs 11:3). Perhaps like, thinking no one is hurt by keeping an overpayment of returned cash or credit.

Survey Test: What if everyone followed my example? Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity (1 Timothy 4:12). Perhaps like assuming a little trash tossed out the car window will never be noticed on a busy highway.

Spiritual Test: Am I being people-pressured or Spirit-led? Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ (Galatians 1:10). An example might be volunteering for an assignment but doing it for the show of others, not as a confirmation that God wants you to do this.

Stumbling Test: Could this cause another person to stumble? It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall (Romans 14:21). Maybe having an alcoholic drink in a public place could cause this stumbling of others.

Serenity Test: Have I prayed and received peace about this decision? Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6–7). Maybe we decide to make any major change without praying and waiting on God’s peace for confirmation.

Sanctification Test: Will this keep me from growing in the character of Christ? We, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit (2 Corinthians 3:18). Perhaps you are failing to obey God when He prompts you to do something that is difficult or burdensome.

Supreme Test: Does this glorify God? Live as children of light…and find out what pleases the Lord (Ephesians 5:8, 10). Perhaps you are conforming to the world’s standards by living a lifestyle of indebtedness.

A final reminder can be this: Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31).

How to Please God

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This ought to be the primary focus of all authentic followers of Jesus Christ. How can we claim to one of God’s children if we don’t seek to please God with our lives? Let’s take a look at 1 Thessalonians 4:1–12 for some guidance.

Living a Life that Pleases God:

  1. What We Are to Do:
    1. Live your life choosing to please God in all you do. (1 Thessalonians 4:1)
    2. Live by growing in the knowledge of God’s ways, so study the Bible. (1 Thessalonians 4:1–2)
  2. How We Are to Do It:
    1. Live holy and pure
      1. Live a life that is holy, or “set apart” from the ways of the world. (1 Thessalonians 4:3)
      2. Live within God’s requirements for sexual purity. (1 Thessalonians 4:3)
      3. Live a life that demonstrates self-control. (1 Thessalonians 4:4)
      4. Live a life that is holy and honorable. (1 Thessalonians 4:4, 7)
      5. Live without ignorance of God and his ways, lusting like pagans. (1 Thessalonians 4:5)
    2. Live with integrity in relationships with others. (1 Thessalonians 4:6)
    3. Live knowing that when you reject the Word and ways of God, you reject God. (1 Thessalonians 4:8)
    4. Live with brotherly love toward others. (1 Thessalonians 4:9-10)
    5. Live a quiet life, minding your own business, work with your own hands. (1 Thessalonians 4:11)
    6. Live a life that gains the respect of others. (1 Thessalonians 4:12)
    7. Live a life that is dependent on no one except the Lord, earn your own living. (1 Thessalonians 4:12)

Ways We Make Decisions

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How do people come to make godly decisions that honor him? I recently read this from June Hunt that lists six methods of decision-making:

What Are Six Methods of Decision Making?

If you could, wouldn’t you want to know the future? If you could see the outcome, wouldn’t it make your decisions a lot more accurate? Today people seek guidance through a variety of occult practices. They search for answers in newspaper columns, carnival booths, and psychic hotlines. Astrologers, palm readers, and fortune-tellers toting tarot cards all claim to speak for God, but the God of the Bible says these dramatic ways are “detestable” (Deuteronomy 18:9). He warns us…

  • Do not turn to mediums or seek out spiritists, for you will be defiled by them. I am the LORD your God. (Leviticus 19:31)
  • There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. (Proverbs 14:12)

Making decisions can be approached in various ways, but most will fall into one of the following six methods or a combination of some of them. Not all methods of decision-making will prove to be profitable.

Dramatic Method: Some people misuse Scripture by flipping open the Bible and pointing to some random Scripture for guidance without considering the context. Others expect God to come through with a spectacular, supernatural sign that will give proof of His will in a given situation. God says … The Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you (John 14:26).

Defaulting Method: Scripture tells us there is an appropriate time to delegate duties and to seek counsel, but ultimately we are responsible for our own choices. We can even be so pressured by the opinions of others that it becomes easier just to let others make decisions for us … even when we think they are wrong. God says … He will eat curds and honey when he knows enough to reject the wrong and choose the right (Isaiah 7:15).

Delaying Method: Many people choose to procrastinate when a decision is due, hoping that “it will all come out well in the end.” They allow circumstances to determine the outcome. However, not to decide is actually a decision. Their delay tactics are filled with superfluous activities that do not include placing a high priority on knowing God’s will through prayer, biblical counsel, and intimacy with the Lord.  God says … That is why I was angry with that generation, and I said, ‘Their hearts are always going astray, and they have not known my ways’ (Hebrews 3:10).

Deductive Method: The Christian life is to be a life of balance between human deduction and spiritual insight. If we become solely analytical in thinking through a situation and choose to rely completely on logic, we will miss God’s way. God says … My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways (Isaiah 55:8).

Desirous Method: Too many people allow their emotions to have “soul control.” This means allowing feelings to determine their behavior. God gave us emotions, but He never intended emotions to be our “decision makers.” Many of us don’t even realize that we often have an “if it feels good, it must be good” mentality. God says … He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe (Proverbs 28:26).

Discerning Method (the best method): To be discerning is to grasp what may not be evident, that is, “to have insight and understanding by going beyond what seems obvious.” Spiritual discernment, therefore, is wisdom to determine what is true, appropriate, and superior in the eyes of God, regardless of how things may seem. God says … The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned (1 Corinthians 2:14).

Making Godly Decisions

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It is always important to seek to honor God in the decisions we make every day. It may not matter the choice of location for lunch today, but there are a lot of decisions that we must make and the outcome is one that will honor God or not. We all want to know God’s will, so how can we know? Here is a little guidance on guidance:

How Does God Reveal His Will? God reveals His will primarily through…

  1. The Spirit of God – When he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. (John 16:13)
  2. The Word of God – Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. (Psalm 119:105)

What Decisions Are Pleasing to God? God blesses…

  1. Decisions that He initiates – I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. (Proverbs 4:11)
  2. Decisions that line up with His Word – Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees; then I will keep them to the end. (Psalm 119:33)
  3. Decisions that accomplish His purpose – It is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. (Philippians 2:13)
  4. Decisions that depend on His strength – I can do everything through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)
  5. Decisions that result in giving Him glory – Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31)
  6. Decisions that promote justice, kindness, and humility – He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)
  7. Decisions that reflect His character – Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity. (1 Timothy 4:12)
  8. Decisions that come from faith – Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. (Hebrews 11:6)
  9. Decisions that consider the interests of others – Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4)
  10. Decisions that are bathed in prayer – Pray without ceasing. (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

Other information on guidance has been posted here: Decision-Making by the Book

Equality of the Genders

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John MacArthur supports the “traditional view of women,” but he has a nice summation of the equality of the genders before God, in his book Different by Design.

The prevalent Jewish tradition about women did not come from the Old Testament, which makes it clear women are spiritually equal to men in that:

They Had the Same Responsibilities as Men: To obey God’s Law (in Exodus 20 the Ten Commandments are given to both men and women), to teach God’s Law (Deuteronomy 6:6–7 and Proverbs 6:20 indicates both are responsible to teach the Law to their children, which means both must first know it), and to participate in religious festivals (e.g., Exodus 12 and the Passover).

They Had the Same Protection as Men: Penalties given for crimes against women are the same as those for crimes against men (e.g., Exodus 21:28–32). God equally values the life of a man and the life of a woman.

They Took the Same Vows as Men: The highest level of spiritual commitment available to an Old Testament believer was the Nazirite vow, which was an act of separation from the world and devotion to God. Women as well as men could take that vow (Numbers 6:2).

They Had the Same Access to God as Men: God dealt directly with women in the Old Testament; He didn’t go through a man when He wanted to communicate with a woman. For example, the Angel of the Lord (a pre-incarnate manifestation of Christ) appeared to Hagar (Genesis 16:8–13) and Samson’s mother (Judges 13:2–5).

The New Testament, like the Old, teaches the spiritual equality. Galatians 3:28 teaches the absolute spiritual equality of men and women in Christ. The New Testament does not treat women as spiritual inferiors:

They Had the Same Responsibilities as Men: All the commands, promises, and blessings of the New Testament are given equally to men and women. We have the same spiritual resources and the same spiritual responsibilities.

They Had the Same Access to Jesus as Men: The first person Jesus revealed His messiahship to in the Gospel record was a woman (John 4). Jesus healed women (Matthew 8:14–15), showing them just as much compassion as He did men. He taught them (Luke 10:38–42), and allowed them to minister to Him personally (Luke 8:3). The first person to see the resurrected Christ was a woman (Mark 16:9; John 20:11–18).

He goes on to explain that roles between men and women were different, but I do not agree with his position on leadership and ordination being limited to men alone. When a woman is called by God into the ministry, she has an obligation to follow that leadership and calling as much as any man.

Patrick Morley, in his book Man in the Mirror has a chapter on how to be happily married and brings up roles.

If a man’s greatest need is to be respected, then submission is the appropriate response to a husband since the opposite of submission is resistance. The main problem with marriages on this topic is that men don’t know what it means to love as Christ loved the church. Biblical love is a decision, not a feeling. He adds four types of marriages in in a submit/resist and love/hate matrix:

  1. Love and Submit (Ozzie and Harriet Nelson): these couples share life together and share responsibilities. Biblical examples could be Abraham and Sarah or Mary and Joseph.
  2. Hate and Submit (Edith and Archie Bunker): this may be the most common type of marriage that is not working. The husband does not get it (Colossians 3:19, 1 Peter 3:7, 1 Timothy 5:8, Ephesians 5:28-29).
  3. Love and Resist (The Lockhorns comic strip, or the BBC’s Keeping Up Appearances): this is about a wimpy little guy dominated by a strong willed and screechy woman. Perhaps this has grown out of the feminist movement, but even a “housewife” is not immune to this. It is the man’s responsibility to love her irrespective of his wife’s response.
  4. Hate and Resist (JR and Sue Ellen Ewing): she nags him, idles the day away, contends with his authority, disrespects him, she is sarcastic towards him. He treats her harshly, doesn’t consider her feelings, and disrespects her. More than likely those in this type are already divorced, except for one partner hanging in there to make it work.

I’m not an expert on marriage but have been with the same godly woman for over 30 years.

Your Hands, Heart and Voice

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At M-Fuge at NGU in Greenville SC July 9-14, the Micah Watson Band led us in worship. Here is a music video filmed in the streets and slums of Mumbai, India in March 2011. It shows the hopelessness of the slums while the song shares the hope of Christ with a lost world. Micah wrote “Your Hands, Your Heart, Your Voice” for OneLife.