Category: Men of Steel

Harmony in Your Marriage

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Take a look at 2 Timothy 2:24. Basically we are refrain from quarreling, and be kind to people. Sometimes it’s hard to do that! But in reality, who said the Christian life was easy? What about living this out in your marriage?

 

Quarreling in a marriage can become a problem; I’m not just talking about disagreements. I recently read this observation and illustration:

 

“Women look at the world through pink sun­glasses, while men look at that same world through blue sunglasses—and, believe me, they do not necessarily see the same thing!

 

“My favorite illustration of this is when a wife says, ‘I have nothing to wear,’ she means she has nothing new to wear. When her husband says, ‘I have nothing to wear,’ he means he has nothing clean to wear. Each uses the same words but means something differ­ent based on pink and blue views!”  —Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Cracking the Communication Code.

 

Avoid a Bad Connection

Breakdowns in communication between men and women are not exactly rare. Imagine this, a husband leaving the house may yell in his wife, “Honey, I’m going out to buy a hammer.” Harmless, right? Well, it depends. If it comes after a week of late nights at the office and compounding emotional separa­tion, the wife may actually hear, “Hey, what’s-your-face, I’d rather roam the hardware store instead of be with you.”

 

Conversely, a well-meaning wife may offer her time to spruce up the yard, but the husband hears her words as a backhanded attack on his ability to get things done.

 

Communication between the genders can be com­plex. Men and women process life differently, and our understanding of the conversa­tion or action will often differ dramatically. Most of this meaning-seeking is harmless, but if there are any lingering grudges based on real or imagined prior offenses, the next conversation can go in the wrong direction in a hurry.

 

Strive to Live in Harmony

In 1 Peter 3:8-9, Peter encourages husbands and wives to “be compassionate and humble, not paying back evil for evil or insult for insult but, on the contrary, giving a blessing.” What great advice! Rather than simply fly off the handle at anything that even sounds like it might be the least bit critical, we husbands need to exercise self-control and seek to listen and understand before anything else.

 

Overreacting often leads to marital conflict.

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Communicating With Your Children

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I recently read a story about Ken…

 

“Ken squandered many opportunities to connect deeply with his sons, to communicate things that would have made their lives better. But he is thankful for those times when they did connect more than superficially—the breakfasts before school, the weekend “guy trips,” the bedtime conver­sations and prayers. The love and respect they now have for one another testifies to the effectiveness of those occasions and God’s mercy and grace.”

 

The Bible is full of wisdom when it comes to life and relationships, and Proverbs 5:1 tells us about a father desiring to pass on life insights to his son. Although in context this passage refers to a father warning his son about the temptation and enticement of women, I believe that we can broaden the appeal of this verse to include fathers desiring to pass on wisdom and life lessons to all of our children, not just sons.

 

We want our children to pay attention to our “wisdom” because we don’t want them to go through the same things that we did; the pain, the hurt, the mistakes, the sorrow, many things about which we are not proud (and we keep from telling our kids). But when we share life wisdom, are they listening?

 

The Same Old Story

Much has been written about the conflict between fathers and sons. Throughout history they have often struggled to understand each other, get along with each other, respect each other, accept each other, and even love each other. No national­ity, religion, or generation seems exempt from this struggle.

 

We shouldn’t find it surprising, then, that father-son conflicts are found throughout litera­ture, including the Bible. The tragic relationship between King David and his son Absalom (2 Samuel 13-19) is a classic example. Yet, by the grace of God, some fathers and sons have largely avoided this struggle. How have they done it?

 

Writing Your Own Story

The trite but not-too-surprising answer is usually something like “you need to have good com­munication.” Of course, the time to start working on that is always now, but how to do it may vary based on the age of your kids. Maybe this can help:

  • Put your children on your calendar. If I don’t write it down, it generally will not get done.
  • Block out time for the two of you to be alone. Give yourself time and opportunity to be together.
  • Engage in activities that you both enjoy but also allow for meaning­ful conversation. Sometimes it is the ride to and from the event, or over the lunchtime you shared.
  • Avoid long lectures. Instead, humble yourself and seek to listen as much as you talk.
  • Encourage your kids to ask questions and then answer them tactfully and patiently.

 

Over time, your kids will grow to trust and love you.

 

Pay It Forward

Sir Charles Barkley once said, “I am not a role model.” But dads, you need to be. The “strong, silent type” is not the best role model for your kids, they need to know the real you. Talk with them; spend time with them. Open your heart and your life to them. Share the wisdom that you have, that which cost you so much to gain.

 

Are You Listening to God Firsthand?

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Can you identify with this situation? Let’s listen in on a brief conversation between Bob and Bill during lunch last Tuesday: 

 

  • Bob: I just don’t get it. I listen to the same sermon you do each week but I don’t seem to be growing.
  • Bill: If you only had a weekly, 30-minute conversation with your wife, you wouldn’t expect to be very intimate with her, would you? Are you in the habit of listening to God outside of Sunday morning? If you eat only once a week, it’s little wonder that you’re starving! 

 

ARE YOU REALLY LISTENING?

It’s easy to punch the clock on Sunday mornings in a comfortable pew while listening to the preacher speak for God. After all, he’s been in the Word all week, right? And if he’s “on” he’ll have a passionate message with a joke and a reference to football somewhere in there. But is this the sum total of what it means to hear God speak?

 

In Exodus 20:18-19, Moses had just come down from Mt. Sinai with the Ten Commandments. It’s like he told the Israelites, “God has been speaking to me, and now He wants to speak to you. C’mon, I know where to find Him.” But the Israelites wanted no part of it. They told Moses: “You speak to us, and we will listen, but don’t let God speak to us, or we will die” (Exodus 20:19).

 

WILL YOU PAY THE PRICE?

I wonder if this is the sentiment of too many American church-going men today, who say, “Study hard, preacher, and make my one hour on Sunday interesting. But don’t expect me to pray or get into the Bible during the week because I’m afraid if I really hear God speak, it will cost me my self-centered life.”

 

You know it’s true. It’s pretty tough to continually hear God’s Word and remain happily unchanged. God wants to speak to this generation of men and He wants to change us through what He says in His Word. So my challenge is to listen up because God is speaking!

 

BOTTOM LINE

Make sure you’re allowing God to speak to you personally through His Word. That will deepen your relationship with Him like nothing else can.

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When Life Goes Unscripted

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In my Bible study class at King’s Grant we are taking a fresh look at the life of Mary. Not a very manly thing to do but the life lessons are very relevant. The first session looked at the topic of “unexpected,” which was certainly what happened to Mary when the angel visited her. The question for each of us is, “How do you respond when unexpected things in life happen to you?” The choices can be as few as two: do you respond in faith or in fear? What’s your story? Loss of a job, marital strife, rebellious kids, health concerns, failure of some kind, home foreclosure, victim of a crime?

 

Now, think about your favorite reality TV show. What do you like best about it? Why are these shows so popular? Answers will obviously vary, but for the most part, we like these shows because they are unpredictable. I read a story about a stage actress who realized no one was watching her perform; their attention was drawn to a cat that wondered onto the stage. Why was the cat suddenly the star of the show? Because no one knew what the cat would do next!

 

Mary had her plans in life; marriage to Joseph, raise a family, influence the community, be a part of the best carpentry shop in Nazareth, who knows? She had her life all scripted out. What happens when we lose the script of our own lives? What are your feelings when life goes unscripted?

 

Take an index card and write out the major events in your life so far: marriage, kids, graduation, career, maybe even some crisis you had to face. Look at your list. Did everything turn out just life you had planned? How did you deal with the surprises? How often did things turn out better than what you had planned?

 

Turn the card over and write out your plans for the next ten years: marriage, children, graduation, a promotion, a new house, retirement? This is act two of your life. When God intervenes, life becomes unscripted. We are moving along at His pace and in His direction rather than our own.

 

What did this unscripted life mean for Mary? She faced divorce, shame, public humiliation, reputation. Nothing was going according to her plans. What did Mary do? She worshiped.

 

Margaret Feinberg writes, “When we make God the center of our lives, we can’t help but worship, no matter what the circumstance. When we don’t worship, we tend to worry. Worship or worry – which do you choose when you’re in a tough situation?”

 

But how can you worship when life is falling apart around you? Margaret says, “Worship is about proclaiming that God is worth more than you. As long as you are able to script your own life, you really don’t need to worship. You are trusting that certain events will give your life meaning. But when those things get taken away … you are forced to acknowledge that God is calling the shots.”

 

Hang in there. God does not promise an easy life, but a guided one! Turn your act two over to God. Verses of encouragement are Proverbs 3:5-6, Matthew 6:33 and Philippians 4:6.

Ten Questions to Ask Your Wife

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Do an Internet search on the “ten questions” and you can find them listed, but here I can add some commentary! I was working at the home office of the International Mission Board when Dr. Tom Elliff came to be the Special Assistant to the President for Spiritual Formation (I doubt that title will even fit on a business card). Tom Elliff  is now former president of the IMB. Tom’s original position was a rewarding one for the staff. I remember hearing quality teaching, not only out of the Bible but also flowing out of his extensive life experiences as a missionary, pastor and teacher. On one occasion, during our Spiritual Emphasis Week, Tom shared these ten questions.

Since the Men of Steel are “in it to win it,” we intend to be the best husbands and fathers we can be, not working in our own strength but in the strength found only through our connection with Christ. The base line challenge today comes out of 1 Peter 3:7 where Peter says,

“…husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

Did you get that? Our relationship with God can be hindered by the way we treat our wives! You know, the Bible records that Jesus asked a lot of questions. So, it might be good for us to ask a few questions as well. These are the 10 questions we should ask our wives every year. Ask, and let her respond. The goal is to know her heart:

  1. What could I do to make you feel more loved and cherished? The emphasis is on feeling and not knowing. Think about verbal affirmation of your love. She knows you love her, but does she feel that you love her?
  2. How can I best demonstrate my appreciation for you, your ideas, and your role as my wife? We may speak to others about our wives being the “better half,” but do they feel that their ideas, concerns and input is really up to half in the relationship? Do you brag about her to others? What do her friends tell her about what they heard you say about her?
  3. What could I do to assure you that I hear and understand your heart? Maybe her answer might be, “Asking me these questions is a good start!” A lot of couples have very little understanding of the other. Often times we build walls around us to protect ourselves from pain or shame. We don’t want our wives to know the truth because deep down we believe they will respect or love us less if they only knew the truth.
  4. What could I do to make you feel absolutely secure? How do you protect your wife? Physically is one way, providing a safe place to live without fear, but how about emotionally, spiritually or even morally? Tom told us a story about a husband who was watching TV and the wife watched him watch TV. The point was, watching a television program is one thing, watching TV (flipping channels looking for stuff) is something else. Can our wives see our moral integrity and the marriage relationship going down for the count?
  5. What can I do to ensure that you have confidence and joy in our future direction? The key word in this question is “our.” Does your wife feel that you are both together looking forward to and building the future, or is she just following you? Each cannot be just “doing their own thing” and living under the same roof.
  6. What attribute or practice would you like me to develop or improve? Is there something in my life you would prefer I eliminated? Face it, life means always seeing the opportunity for improvement.
  7. What attribute would you like me to help you develop in yourself? How can I help you in the best possible way? Not all problems can be solved with words. She can now help you to get the picture! How can you be a true partner with your wife?
  8. What achievement in my life would bring you greatest joy to your heart? The Bible is filled with examples of people whose lives were not over until it was over; like Caleb and Joshua, the spies and the Promised Land. The goal kept these two going through 40 years of wandering. A husband needs clear and positive objectives for the second half of life. Nothing encourages a man more than the privilege of accomplishment.
  9. What would indicate to you that I really desire to be more like Christ? Perhaps a deeper prayer life, full commitment to learning the Word of God, sensitivity to sinful activity, elimination of bad habits, friends, practices, a life marked by the Holy Spirit (bearing fruit – Galatians 5:22-23), that Christ is running the show rather than you.
  10. What mutual goal would you like to see us accomplish? Marriage is not about me, it’s about us. How can we make the most of our time spent on this earth?

Tom and his wife set aside a weekend retreat each year. Will you commit to ask these questions of your wife?

PS: if wives are looking for ten questions to ask her husband, check out what Tom’s wife asks him every year.

Treasure Your Wife

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The Bible has a lot to say about riches and treasure. Jesus actually said more about financial matters than He did about faith, salvation, heaven or hell. Much of it revolves around our attitude toward riches.

One Bible verse jumps out at me when it comes to the proper focus on treasure, Matthew 6:21. Jesus tells us that where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. So think about two things, your treasure and your heart. No one can see into your soul or your heart except you and God, so be honest with yourself. Think about what you value most in life.

For you married guys, I pray that you realize your wife is your greatest treasure. It’s not your job, your kids, or even the skills you have to do something great for humanity. Your wife fills a void that no one else and nothing else can fill. Our wives are designed not only as complete and competent individuals, but to be our suitable helpers as well. After all, God is the one who said it was not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18).

How can you express to your wife that she is the treasure of your life?

  1. Treasure your wife by verbally expressing how much you value her as a person.
  2. Treasure her by telling and showing her how grateful you are that she is in your life.
  3. Treasure her by making your marriage a priority, and helping her to know it.
  4. Treasure her in your thought life, maintaining purity.
  5. Treasure her in prayer by regularly bringing her to God’s throne of grace.
  6. Treasure her by following through with your promises.
  7. Treasure her by serving her, and sacrificing yourself every day.
  8. Treasure her by helping and encouraging her to reach for her personal and professional goals.

This is the day to begin treasuring your wife!

This weekend I was asked, “What day are you on?” regarding the Love Dare book, from the feature film, Fireproof. I quickly realized that I had not followed through with intentionality! It’s time to start over. For your treasure’s sake, recommitted yourself to the challenge. Remember the reason you married her in the first place!

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Get Rid of Stinkin' Thinkin'

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I recently read about Nancy Kline, author of Time to Think, who has spent more than 20 years coaching companies and individuals to think more effectively and creatively. She has iden­tified 10 key enablers to improve thinking; and I like two in particular:

  • Listening with respect and without interruption.
  • Looking at all the facts in a situation. 

These two make sense to me… not bad suggestions for getting along with people… like at home, at work, in our marriages. Imagine, listening with respect and without interruption. To me this demonstrates dignity and assigns value to the other person. What they have to say is important, so we should listen carefully and not be thinking about how we should reply! Think of others as more important than yourself.

 

The other one, looking at all the facts before making a judgment is always a good idea! How often do we fly off the handle before we know all about what the current situation? Then comes the regret, embarrassment and perhaps other consequences with which we must deal.

 

How about wisdom from an ancient source? God has a great plan that has stood throughout the ages… take a look at Romans 12:2. 

 

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” 

 

A NEW WAY OF THINKING

Albert Einstein said insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Yet if we look honestly at our lives, we often live “insanely.”

  • We want a better relation­ship with our wives, but we don’t implement the necessary changes to make it happen.
  • We want to spend more time with our children, but urgent things at the office keep us tied up.
  • We want to eat better and exercise more, yet the drive thru and the couch win out. You get the idea.

The longer we continue to live in the insanity of good intentions, the more likely that we’ll eventually become disillusioned and hopeless. Einstein understood our dilemma and said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” Amen, Albert.

 

RENEWING YOUR MIND

Our God is a God of newness. He wants us to think creatively and see life in fresh ways. Romans 12:2 says just that! Despite the fact that we’re constantly thinking, most of us tend not to think much about the qual­ity of our thoughts. Paul tells us on what we ought to think, “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” (Phil 4:8).

 

God gave us amazing minds that can solve problems, dream big dreams, and seek His will if we will but use them! If you feel like you’re stuck in a cycle of insanity, give your­self permission to think differently. Break out of the insanity of “conformed” thinking.

 

SO NOW WHAT?

Identify an area of your life that conforms too closely to the patterns of this world. How can you change it? Develop an action plan to change your thinking. The old saying is still true, “Garbage in, garbage out.” Works with computers, works with the human mind. There is a lot of stuff out there that will inhibit our progress toward our goal (or becoming better fathers, husbands, bosses or employees).

 

One does not have to join a monastery to gain the mind of Christ, but we do have to take ourselves off the throne of our lives and allow our sovereign Boss to guide us throughout life. How does that happen? By simply getting into His Word and letting it permeate our lives! Thoughts will modify attitudes, attitudes will modify behavior, and behavior will demonstrate what we consider to be our life’s priorities. 

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Activity Without Achievement

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I recently ran across this story:

 

In a somewhat recent story in the L.A. Times, legendary coach John Wooden gave a different take on his famous saying, “Be quick but don’t hurry.” During UCLA’s game against Kansas, Wooden noticed Kansas was sometimes out of control and hurried too much. “I call that activity without achievement;’ said Wooden. (Source)

 

GETTING NOWHERE QUICKLY

Continuing the basketball theme, a basketball team that continues to aimlessly throw the ball around the perimeter of the defense without ever looking to attack will soon discover that the shot clock is quickly winding down and they’ve got to launch something up or they’ll turn the ball over with a shot clock violation. That kind of offense is, as Coach Wooden put it, “activity without achievement.” Too many unproductive trips down the court like that and they’ve got no shot at winning the game.

 

We sometimes do the same thing in life. We busy ourselves with a flurry of activity but seldom question whether our activity is achieving anything significant. We figure that as long as we’re doing stuff, good things must be happening. That’s not necessarily the case. Honestly, one of the hardest things to do in life is think clearly and well. It’s so much easier to avoid tough questions and just mindlessly go with the flow.

 

GETTING SOMEWHERE RIGHT ON TIME

The key to personal effectiveness, to achieving anything worthwhile, is to trust the Lord for a game plan and for the ability to execute it. We can accomplish more in an hour with His help than we can in a week without it. Or, as Psalm 127:1 puts it: “Unless the LORD builds a house, its builders labor over it in vain.” So go ahead and work hard. But be smart about it.

 

QUESTIONS FOR THE MEN OF STEEL TO CONSIDER

1.   Have you ever been called a work-a-holic? Why?

2.   What does Solomon renounce in Ps 127:1? How do those who rely upon their own efforts see their work? (127:2)

3.   Is the beginning of this psalm tied to the end? What is said about large families? What happens at the gate?

4.   Is God building your business? Family? Support systems? Or are you?

5.   Jewish society promoted big families. Are the obsolete today? Does society help or hurt family unity?

 

BOTTOM LINE

Are there areas of your life where you feel like you’re laboring in vain? Ask yourself if you’re trusting the Lord in these areas. 

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Steps to Strengthen Your Marriage

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Here’s a straight forward bulleted list of ways to strengthen your marriage: 

  • Communication: Men are so good at communication in other areas of their lives, like at work and during leisure activities, but for some reason we fail to connect with our spouse. Listen to her and let her know how much she means to you.
  • Partnership: Find ways to include your spouse in community and ministry activities. Help raise the children and take responsibility for the spiritual development of the family, too.
  • Affirmation: Praise your spouse often and in public! She needs to know how proud you are of her, and how much you need her in your life.
  • Stress Reduction: Learn to take care of yourself, refuse to run on empty. Men, you are not invincible! Share some relaxing activities or take a walk together.
  • Boundaries: Our busyness can bring about a moral failure; we need boundaries to be emotionally healthy, physically rested and spiritually nourished. It’s hard to resist temptation when we are drained. Learn to set priorities, keeping the important things close to your heart.
  • Practical Expression: Plan time together, thank her for her support of you, and give her the gift of uninterrupted listening, talk about personal goals and dreams. Remember the reason you married her in the first place!

–General outline is from Frank Lewis, FBC Nashville, TN 

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Change that is Really Needed

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Presidential candidates always promise change; one says he can deliver and the other says he can’t. We crave what the word represents, with a hope that perhaps one man truly can make a difference. But how will America experience real change? We have to change the society! Consider the information in the box, on how to get society right…

getmenrightIn his book, Wild at Heart, John Eldridge tells us that since men are made in the image of God, they understand their own natures by looking at how God has expressed His own nature. He mentions three expressions: a warrior, a lover and an adventurer.

  1. As a warrior, God battled satan for the souls of men.
  2. As a lover, Jesus gave himself for his bride, the church.
  3. As an adventurer, God created humanity and risked everything by giving us freedom to reject him.

So, the author contends that men are looking for a battle to fight, a beauty to rescue, and an adventure to live.

In the series, Quest for Authentic Manhood, Robert Lewis teaches that men need to look at the example of Jesus’ masculinity as their test for true north. We either live in the shadow of the first Adam (mere existence) or the second Adam (a life-giving spirit) (see 1 Corinthians 15:45-49, Romans 5:17-19). The shadow a man chooses determines the kind of man and father he will become.

Why is Men’s Ministry so important? Because so much is at stake! Men are in a battle for their souls, their marriages, their families, and you see that society is ultimately affected. Let’s change America together; leaving no man left behind.