Author: Scott Chafee

Scott serves on staff at King’s Grant Baptist Church in Virginia Beach.

The Techniques of Counseling

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Counseling is primarily a relationship in which one person, the helper, seeks to assist another human being with the problems of living. Unlike other relationships, this one is characterized by of clear purpose of helping. The helper’s needs are mostly met elsewhere and he or she does not depend on the client for love or affirmation. One must step out of your own situation and become aware of the client’s needs, and communicate both an understanding and willingness to help.

1. Attending: undivided attention to the client, through…

  1. Eye contact: looking without staring in a way to convey concern.
  2. Posture: relaxed, not tense, leaning toward the client.
  3. Gestures: natural, not excessive or distracting.
  4. Alertness to inner distractions: fatigue, impatience, preoccupation with other matters, daydreaming, and restlessness.

2. Listening: It is more than just the reception of information; one might want to jump into advice-giving and excessive talking, which will prevent the client from really opening up to his feelings and thoughts. Advice is seldom heard and less likely followed. Talking more than listening is a sign of one’s own insecurities or of an inability to handle ambiguous, threatening or emotional situations.

  1. Awareness of one’s own conflicts, to avoid a negative reaction.
  2. Avoiding subtle verbal or nonverbal expressions of judgment.
  3. Waiting patiently through periods of silence or tears.
  4. Hearing not only what the persons says, but what he tries to say.
  5. Use ears and eyes to detect the tone or posture with the spoken message.
  6. Scanning one’s own reaction to the client.
  7. Avoid looking away from the client as he or she speaks.
  8. Sitting still, to not be distractive.
  9. Limit the number of mental excursions into one’s own fantasies.
  10. Control one’s feelings that interfere with an accepting, sympathetic, nonjudgmental attitude.
  11. Realizing that accepting the counselee is possible with condoning attitudes and behavior destructive of the client or others.

3. Responding: Jesus was a good listener (like with those on the Emmaus Road) but His helping was characterized by action and specific verbal responses.

  1. Leading: The counselor slightly anticipates the client’s direction of thought and responds in a way that redirects the conversation. “Can you elaborate on…?” “What happened then?” “What did you mean by…?”
  2. Reflecting: This is a way of letting the counselee know that you are “with them” and you understand how the counselee must be feeling or thinking. “You must feel…” or “I bet that was frustrating.” Avoid stereotypical phrases like, “You must think…” or “What I hear you saying is…” A brief summary of what has been going on can be reflective, and will stimulate more conversation.
  3. Questioning: Offer open-ended questions that require the counselee to give more than a single sentence answer. “Tell me about your marriage” is better than “Are you happy in your marriage.” Questions beginning with the word “why” should be avoided since they will tend to either sound judgmental, or stimulate long intellectual discussions which avoid coming to grips with real feelings or hurts.
  4. Confronting: This is presenting some idea to the client that he or she might not see otherwise. clients can be confronted with sin, failures, inconsistencies, or self-defeating behavior and encouraged to change their attitudes or behavior. This is best done in a loving, gentle, nonjudgmental manner. Nevertheless, it will often bring anger, guilt and resistance, or it could lead to confession and forgiveness.
  5. Informing: This involves giving facts to people in need of information, which is different from the counselor giving his opinion or advice. Advice-givers often lack enough knowledge of a situation to give competent advice, and that advice encourages the client to become dependent upon the counselor. If the advice doesn’t work, the counselor is the one who is made to feel the responsibility for giving bad advice.
  6. Interpretation: This involves explaining to the client what his or her behavior or other events mean. This can help the person see himself as he has not before. This can be harmful if the person is not emotionally prepared for the interpretation, or if the interpretation is wrong. Present the interpretation in a tentative way “Could it be that…” and allow the client time to respond.
  7. Supporting and encouraging: When people are burdened by needs and conflicts they can benefit from the stability and care of an empathetic person who shows acceptance and can give reassurance. It is includes guiding the client to take an inventory of his or her own spiritual and psychological resources, encouraging action and helping with any problems or failures that may come as a result of this action.

4. Teaching: All of these techniques are really specialized forms of psychological education. The counselor teaches the client by guiding him or her on how to cope with life’s problems. This sort of teaching is more effective when addressing specific situations: “How can I control my temper when I am criticized by my wife?” is better then the nebulous, “I want to be happier.” A powerful learning tool use by counselors is immediacy, which involves the ability of the counselor and the client to discuss directly and openly what is happening in the here-and-now of their relationship. “I feel very frustrated with you right now,” or “I’m getting angry because I feel you are putting me down,” are responses of immediacy, an on the spot expression of how one feels in a given situation.

The Counselor’s Characteristics

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Hospital studies have shown that patients improved when their therapist demonstrated levels of warmth, genuineness and accurate empathic understanding. Patients grew worse when their counselors lacked these qualities. Similar findings are shown in clients who are not hospitalized.

1. Warmth: This implies caring, respecting and possessing a sincere, non-smothering concern for the client, regardless for his or her actions or attitudes. Jesus showed this for the woman at the well.

2. Genuineness: This implies that the counselor is “for real.” He would be open, sincere, and avoids phoniness or playing a superior role. It involves honesty without cruel confrontation. The person is not thinking or feeling one thing and saying another.

3. Empathy: What does the person really think? How does the person feel inside? What are the person’s values, beliefs, inner conflicts and hurts? A good counselor is sensitive to these issues, able to understand them and effective in communicating this understanding (using words or gestures) to the client. The counselor must “feel with” the client in order to move toward accurate empathic understanding. It is possible to help people even if we don’t understand, but this quality always increases the counselor’s effectiveness.

4. Others are helpful: able to get along; absence of immobilizing conflicts, hang-ups, insecurities or personal problems; compassionate, interested in people; alert to his own feelings and motives; more self-revealing than self-concealing; knowledgeable in the field of counseling. Love is NOT enough. Discipline and structure are also important factors.

The Counselor’s Role

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There are several potential areas of role confusion:

  1. Visiting instead of counseling: Visiting is a friendly, mutual sharing. Counseling is a problem-centered, goal-directed conversation which focuses primarily on the needs of one person, the client.
  2. Being hasty instead of deliberate: Busy, goal-directed people often want to hurry the counseling process to a quick and successful termination. Counselors are not to be time wasters, but neither are they to rush the process. A relaxed and deliberate pace makes the client feel the undivided attention and serious interest of his counselor.
  3. Being disrespectful instead of sympathetic: Some counselors quickly categorize people (carnal Christian, divorcee) and then dismiss individuals with quick confrontation and advice.
  4. Being judgmental instead of unbiased: Confrontation is not the same as preaching condemnation for sin or failures. If a client feels attacked they either defend themselves (often in anger) with a “what’s the use?” attitude, or they go along with the counselor temporarily and grudgingly. Jesus never winked at sin, but He understood sinners and always showed kindness and respect to those who were willing to learn, repent and change their behavior.
  5. Overloading the session instead of pacing the counseling: This sometimes comes out of enthusiasm to help, and too much is put in the sessions. It can overwhelm the counselee and cause frustration. It is best not to assimilate more than one or two new insights in one session. A pace should be set, even if the sessions are shorter in length.
  6. Being directive instead of interpretive: This is common, and could reveal the counselor’s subconscious need to dominate. When told what to do, the client doesn’t discriminate between the counselor and the will of God. They can feel guilty and incompetent if they don’t follow the advice, and will never learn how to mature spiritually and emotionally to the point where they can make decisions without the help of the counselor.
  7. Being emotionally involved instead of remaining objective: There is a fine line between caring and becoming too involved.If the client becomes too disturbed, confused or struggling with a problem, there is a tendency for the counselor to worry and let the counselee interrupt the counselor’s schedule at their convenience. The counselor can lose objectivity. One must remember that this is a professional helping relationship, no matter how compassionate one me be.
  8. Being defensive instead of empathetic: Counselors can feel threatened when we are criticized, unable to help, made to feel guilty, anxious or in danger of being harmed, and then our ability to listen empathetically is hindered.

The Goals of Counseling

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Jesus stated His goals for individuals: abundant life on earth (John 10:10) and everlasting life in heaven (John 3:16). This should be the ultimate overarching goal of any Christian counselor. Face it, there are many sincere Christians who will enjoy eternal life in heaven but fall very short of experiencing abundant life on earth. These people need something more than evangelism or traditional Christian education. Such counseling might help one recognize subconscious harmful attitudes, teach interpersonal skills and new behaviors, or show how to mobilize one’s inner resources to face a crisis. Such counseling, guided by the Holy Spirit, can free a person from hang-ups that keep him or her from growing to Christian maturity.

It is important for the counselor and counselee to establish clear objectives and goals, which are specific and realistic, and even measurable.

1. Self-understanding: This is the first step in healing. Many problems are self-imposed (biased perceptions, harmful attitudes, self-destructive behavior).

2. Communication: It is well known that many marriage difficulties come do to a breakdown in the husband-wife communication. The same is true for other problems. We must learn to communicate feelings, thoughts and attitudes both accurately and effectively. One must be able to express oneself, and to receive accurate messages from others.

3. Learning and behavior change: Most if not all of our behavior is learned. Therefore, one must un-learn ineffective behavior and learn more efficient ways of acting. Such learning comes from instruction, imitation, or trial and error. One must practice new ways of learning.

4. Self-actualization: Humanistic writers have used this tern to express the importance of an individual learning to achieve and maintain one’s optimal potential. To the Christian, a term like “Christ-actualization” might be substituted to indicate that the goal in life is to be complete in Christ, develop our greatest potential through the power of the Holy Spirit who bring us to maturity.

5. Support: Often people can meet the above goals and function effectively, except for temporary periods of unusual stress or crisis. Such persons can benefit from a period of support, encouragement and burden-bearing until they are able to re-mobilize their personal and spiritual resources to effectively meet the problems of living.

Biblical Counseling

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Wayne Oates stated that counseling is inevitable, but there is a choice “between counseling in a disciplined and skilled way and counseling in an undisciplined and unskilled way.” (Introduction to Pastoral Counseling, 1959, p.vi).

But the Bible was not written as a textbook on counseling, but it does deal with loneliness, discouragement, marriage problems, grief, parent-child relations, anger, fear and a host of other counseling situations. In medicine, teaching and other “people centered” helping fields, mankind has been permitted to learn a great deal about God’s creation through science and academic study. Why should psychology be singled out as the one field that has nothing to contribute to the work of the counselor? Over the past 100 years God has allowed psychologists to develop careful research tools for studying human behavior and professional journals for sharing their findings. Psychologists have learned what makes people tick and how people change.

Biblical Counseling: This is a series based upon personal study and reading.

    1. Biblical Counseling
    2. The Goals of Counseling
    3. The Counselor’s Role
    4. The Counselor’s Characteristics
    5. The Techniques of Counseling
    6. The Process of Counseling
    7. The Counselor’s Ethics
    8. The Counselor’s Motivation
    9. The Crisis in Counseling
    10. Crisis Intervention
    11. The Counselor’s Vulnerability
    12. The Homework in Counseling
    13. The Counselor’s Burnout
    14. The Counselor’s Sexuality
    15. Referrals in Counseling
    16. Counseling and Anxiety
    17. Counseling and Loneliness
    18. The Future of Counseling

Destructive Consequences of Porn

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Here is a post from Craig Gross, the founder and president of xxxChurch, which is too good to not pass on. He attributes this information to Jay Dennis:

26 Destructive Consequences Porn Viewing Has on a Man:

The following destructive consequences are the result of a Christian man viewing pornography. The A to Z format covers the wide range of negative results that porn has on a man who is a follower of Jesus.

Alienates You from God. You no longer feel close to God. You don’t experience the power of God. You no longer have the joy of your salvation.

Blinds You to the Consequences. It temporarily turns off your walk with God, your relationships with your wife, your children, and others. It blinds you to what is going to happen to you spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, vocationally, and relationally.

Creates Unrealistic Expectations. Men begin to think this is what every woman should look like and that this is what your relationships with your wife is to be like.

Distorts Your View of Sex. It makes you believe that sex is solely for the pleasure of a man and that women are simply objects to be used rather than God’s creations to be honored and respected.

Enough is Never Enough. Pornography has an escalating effect. Like a drug you need more and more to satisfy the lust. It takes you further down a destructive path and further away from peace, joy, and healthy relationships.

Freedom Over What You Think and Do is Lost. You become enslaved to your sinful thoughts which lead to sinful actions.

Guilt Comes Upon You After You Look at Porn, but the guilt is not enough to prevent you from doing it the next time.

Healthy Sexuality is Numbed Through Porn. Healthy sex is married sex only that includes regular sex, unselfish sex, and loving sex.

Isolates You, and makes you feel you are all alone and are the only one who struggles with porn and lust.

Jeopardizes Your Relationship With Your Wife or Future Wife (if you are single), your witness for Jesus Christ, and everything in your life that is important to you. You put it all on the line for pornography.

Keeps You In a Cycle Of Self Destructive Behavior. It may appear to medicate the pain in your life, but it only adds to the pain with more pain. Porn leads you to do things you never thought you would do. Sin will take you further than you want to go. It will keep you longer than you want to stay. And it will cost you more than you want to pay (Unknown Author).

Lust—Sexual Sinful Lust—Leads to Sexual Sinful Actions. Porn put in your mind is like putting fuel on the fire of wrong sexual desire resulting in destructive thoughts and actions.

Masks The Real Wound, that you are seeking to heal and makes things worse.

Never a Neutral Experience. You cannot look at porn and not be affected by it. That experience is always inconsistent with God’s Word.

Objectifies Women. It makes them a sexual object. Porn hijacks a man’s ability to see an older woman as a mother figure, a same-aged woman as a sister figure, and a younger woman as a daughter figure.

Porn Initially Brings a Very Short-Lived Pleasure, followed by pain and more pain.

Quitting Becomes the Struggle of a Lifetime. Once you allow porn in, there is a raging battle with Satan and your old nature to keep looking. Once you have allowed porn into your life, there will always be a battle. It is a winnable battle, but a daily battle.

Remains Imbedded in Your Mind Forever. Satan uses that image to replay in your mind to create a cycle of sinful lust again and to drive you back to looking at porn. You become bound to an image and a not a person.

Shame Enters Your Life. Guilt is feeling badly for something you have done, shame, however, is based on feeling badly about who you are. Pornography brings shame. God never brings shame. Satan always brings shame.

Trust Is Broken With, the people you love and respect the most.

Unlocks the Door to Every Sexual Sin. Porn is a portal, a gateway that leads to nothing good and everything painful such as compulsive masturbation, affairs, dangerous sexual practices, visiting adult-oriented businesses, paying for sex, perverted sexual practices and sexual abuse.

Violates Women. How? You are putting your stamp of approval on an industry that degrades and dehumanizes women.

Wandering Eyes Toward Other Women are Invited .

Xtinguishes Truth. Pornography promotes lying. You lie to others, you lie to God, and you lie to yourself. You lie more to cover up past lies. You become a living lie.

Yokes You to an Image. You become bound and attached to the image instead of your wife or future wife if you are single.

Zips Your Lips to Praising God, speaking about your faith, and telling others how they can experience God.

Resurrection Investigation

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Paul was still in jail in Caesarea, and two full years had passed. Felix would bring Paul from time to time to talk, but there is no evidence that he continued in any conviction of sin; he was hoping for a bribe (Acts 24:26). The time had come for new leadership and Paul had a brand new audience. Festus replaced Felix.

Paul came before Festus and again he pleaded his case, that he had done nothing wrong (Acts 25:8). Festus invited him to Jerusalem for a trial (Acts 25:9) but rather than return to Jerusalem, Paul appealed to Caesar (Acts 25:10, 11) He was destined for Rome (which was God’s design already).

Festus had an interesting statement, he “was at a loss how to investigate” Paul’s claim that a dead man had come to life (Acts 25:20). How would each of us conduct such an investigation?

Our first task is to make it personal; Jesus is not just someone to believe in, he is someone to know. Once you know he is risen, a conviction develops that will not be swayed. We know him since he speaks directly to our hearts, not just our heads. Dead prophets of the Old Testament don’t save, guide, heal, deliver, answer prayer or speak through the ancient text. The first step is to open your heart to the possibility that Jesus is who he said he was. Then ask him if he is real, and be honest and open enough for him to reveal himself to you. A good investigative reporter asks these questions: who? what? where? when? and how?

What? This passage tells us the what; including who is in charge, what is he up to and where he is leading.

When? No one, not even Paul, knew the answer to when God would fulfill his promise. Paul just knew that God had called him to finish the task he had been given. The Jewish patriarchs all died before receiving the promise. They all believed God would send his Messiah, but they did not know when, or who it would be. They knew what he would come to do; bring salvation. They were certain of where; Israel, and then to other parts of the world. But the problem is that they did not know when God would do all of this.

How? Paul knew God was sending him to Rome, but he did not know how. Festus thought he had decided to send him to Rome (Acts 25:25) but it was actually God’s decision. Paul probably never imagined that his arrest would be a tool in God’s hand to give him an all expenses paid trip to Rome. God always fulfills his promises, and we just don’t know how he will do it. God promised to send the Messiah, but no one ever guessed exactly how he would do it.

Application: Each of us at some point in our lives must come to terms with the claims of Christ. C. S. Lewis wrote, in Mere Christianity, about his famous theological trilemma. Jesus claimed to be God (John 10:30, 14:9). That claim is either true or it is false. If it is false and he knew it; it make Jesus a liar. If it is false and he didn’t know it; it makes him a lunatic. Neither option makes Jesus one worth following. The only logical option is that he claimed to be God and it was true; so the choice we have to make is to accept or reject this fact.

The resurrection can be investigated as well (read more). I see it as God’s affirmation of all that Christ stood for and taught during his earthly life. Jesus proved that all he said and taught was true by rising from the dead; just as he said he would (Matthew 12:40, 26:61, 27:63, Mark 8:31, 9:31, 10:34, 14:58, John 2:19).

Paul and the Inconvenient Gospel

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Paul is now under arrest, Ananias is the High Priest who brought a lawyer named Tertullus to bring the charges against Paul (Acts 24:1, 2). What we have here is a disgusting political spiel that has no resemblance to the truth; after all, the commander who had Paul under his protection wrote to Felix mentioning Paul had done nothing to deserve death or imprisonment (Acts 23:29, 30).

The first thing Tertullus does is to flatter Felix, the governor (Acts 24:2, 3). When you research Felix, you will find that he was a vile and incompetent leader; Nero had him recalled only two years earlier. According to the Bible Knowledge Commentary, “Felix was known for his violent use of repressive force and corrupt self-aggrandizement.” The lawyer was undoubtedly flattering Felix.

He then said that Paul was a troublemaker who stirred up riots and he tried to desecrate the temple (Acts 24:3-5). Paul responds by recounting his adventure and journey to Jerusalem. Luke adds an interesting detail, that Felix was well acquainted with the Way (Acts 24:22). He was in a no win situation, with a large Jewish population and Paul a Roman citizen, he basically did nothing but leave Paul in jail (Acts 24:22, 23, 27).

God sent the imprisoned preacher to an audience of two, Felix and his wife Drusilla (Acts 24:24). Drusilla was the third wife of Felix, each had left a former spouse to marry. Luke mentions Paul “discoursed” with them, meaning they had discussions back and forth, a conversation rather than a sermon (Acts 24:25, 26). The core of the message was faith in Christ (Acts 24:24).

The discussion was on righteousness, self-control and the judgment to come (Acts 24:25). Felix heard “enough for now” and told Paul he could leave; go away for now, I will call for you when I need you. Felix was afraid. I suspect that was the work of the Holy Spirit. I think it is never convenient to discuss personal sin. Human nature will often resist what is best for us, but if we dare to hear and accept the truth, we can be set free.

It only mentions that Felix was afraid, perhaps Drusilla simply did not humble herself enough to become afraid. Her past indicates a history of pride. Herod Agrippa I (Acts 12:19-23) was her father. He claimed glory that only God deserved. Remember his fate? He was eaten by worms and died (the Bible mentions these two in this order, what a horrible way to go – Acts 12:23). She led an adulterous life in spite of all she knew about morality and reverence for God. She apparently resisted Paul’s message.

Application: Have you heard the message and repeatedly resist submitting to Christ? It’s probably the most unnoticed plague on America, we are inoculated just enough with the gospel to be happy with our beliefs but we are far from what the Bible calls a disciple of Christ. We often tell Jesus to go away until a more convenient time, and we will call for him later when we want him or when we need him. The gospel can often be inconvenient when we are not serious about life change and authentic discipleship. When the topic is righteousness, sin, self-control, or judgment, we get uncomfortable more than we get convicted. Don’t allow the world to squeeze you into its mold (Romans 12:1, 2). Don’t be conformed to this world, but be transformed into the new creation that God desires for you to be.

Leaders Exercise Self-Control

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Paul addresses the issue of self-control in the list of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), and it appears that her ends the list with the one quality that just might hold all the others together.

A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls. (Proverbs 25:28)

In ancient times, cities were often surrounded by walls for their protection. If those walls were breached in any way, the city became vulnerable to attack from all sorts of enemies and invading armies. The maintenance of city walls was of constant concern. Nehemiah heard about the walls of Jerusalem being broken down and his soul was so deeply troubled that he wept, mourned and fasted for days (Nehemiah 1:3, 4).

Proverbs 25:28 compares self-control to a city wall. When we maintain self-control, we keep ourselves safe from forces that would drag us down, attack our weaknesses, and prey on our failures. The Bible warns us that losing our self-control can lead to disastrous results. We may have tendencies to lose our tempers easily, gossip about neighbors or coworkers, or criticize those in authority. We may have an unhealthy desire to own lots of stuff, an addiction toward food, or an obsession with television. A careless word, a broken promise, or a disrespectful action is an outward sign that our inner wall of self-control has collapsed. Weak self-control makes us vulnerable to living a life of hypocrisy, and then we lose all credibility as a witness to the freedom and joy we have in Christ.

Developing self-control is not just a matter of “willing” right behavior. We all have experienced the “just do it” break-down. We decide that we will finally regain control of a certain personal weakness only to find a few days later that we have fallen once again to that temptation. Self-control is not as simple as just “doing it” or “not doing it.” Paul tells us that the Holy Spirit desires to guide our lives. Only he can overcome our sinful desires and build self-control. As we turn our daily routine over to the direction of the Holy Spirit, we will find that we are more often able to resist those things that used to prey on our weaknesses. It is with the power of the Holy Spirit alone that our walls of self-control can be securely maintained.

Application: Take an inventory of your life and pinpoint your areas of weakness. Allow the Holy Spirit access to your desires, attitudes and lifestyle, and have the courage to make changes as needed. It’s one thing to desire the Spirit to control us, it is another to allow the Spirit to control us. Take courage, self-control is a life long process of God working on us to conform us to the image of his Son. Make progress each and every day. Rejoice in the victories and seek forgiveness and reconciliation when you fail. Encourage one another because there is strength in numbers!As you lead, take others along with you; pass on the qualities of leadership that God teaches you.