Connectors Connect on Common Ground

John Maxwell, in his book on Connecting, moves from connecting principles to connecting practices. This is the first rule of communication, the practice above all others that opens the door to connection with others would be to look for common ground. The same is true when resolving conflict with your spouse, teaching a child, closing the deal, selling a product, or communicating with your class. This may sound harsh but it’s true: it is difficult to find common ground with others when the only person you focus on is yourself.

People of different temperaments cause people to think and act differently than ourselves. Maxwell writes about different representational systems based on our five senses. For example, observe several people walking down the beach. People will experience the event differently; one feels the sun on the skin, another sees the water and the vivid colors, another hears the sound of waves lapping and gulls screeching, another smells tanning oil or funnel cakes. If we learn to pinpoint how others experience the world (and strive to experience the same world they do) communication will become more effective.

Barriers to Finding Common Ground: many people are oblivious to others around them, especially to their feelings, thoughts and values.

  1. Assumption – I already know what others know, feel and want: all miscommunication is the result of differing assumptions. Remember that all generalizations are false (including this one); once we place someone neatly in a box, it becomes more difficult to think about that person as being anything different. Assumptions usually come out of our prejudice. We then miss clues that would otherwise find and reach common ground.
  2. Arrogance – I don’t need to know what others know, feel or want: arrogant people seldom meet others on common ground. They don’t make the effort, because they believe they don’t have to. I read that 90 percent of serious controversies arise from misunderstanding, one person not knowing the facts that the other person deems important, failing to see his point of view. Archie Bunker is an example: opinionated, narrow-minded, bigoted, expected everyone to come to him on his own terms. You can’t build a relationship with everybody in the room if you don’t care about anybody in the room.
  3. Indifference – I don’t care to know what others know, feel or want: they say they found a cure for apathy, but no one showed any interest in it. They might not feel superior to others but they also don’t go out of their way to learn about them either. Perhaps because it take a lot of work. Nelson Mandela once said that “If you talk in another man’s language he understands. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.” Missionaries call this sharing the gospel in the other person’s heart language. Indifference in really a form of selfishness because we don’t take the time to discover what others know, feel or think.
  4. Control – I don’t want others to know what I know, feel or think: finding common ground is a two-way street. While you strive to discover things about your students, they need to discover things about you. Some leaders believe that by keeping people in the dark they have some measure of control. Maxwell says that secrecy spawns isolation, not success. Knowledge may be power, but leaders need collective power, which only comes through collective knowledge. Any time someone thinks information is being kept from, they feel like outsiders. I recently read about the “subordinate’s Lament” that says, “We the uninformed, working for the inaccessible, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.”

Cultivating a Common Ground Mind-set: anyone can learn to connect better because connecting is a choice.

  1. Availability – I will choose to spend time with others: common ground must be discovered, and that takes time and requires intentionality.
  2. Listening – I will listen my way to common ground: remember the “hot and cold” child’s game? We must listen to the instructions in order to locate the object. Everyday people are seeking success and purpose but they don’t know where it is. We must pay attention to others. Listening requires giving up our favorite human pastime, involvement in ourselves and our own self-interest. Students are asking, “Why should I listen to you? What’s in it for me if I let you in?”
  3. Questions – I will be interested enough in others to ask questions: the greatest strength as a consultant is to be ignorant and ask a few questions. Larry King once said that he was curious about everything, and his favorite question was, “Why?” There are a couple of tricks that make conversations easier:
    1. FORM: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Message.
    2. FIRE: Family and Friends, Interests, Religious background, Exploratory questions (from CWT).
  4. Thoughtfulness – I will think of others and look for ways to thank them: people don’t care how much you know until they know how much your care. Simple acts of kindness go a long way.
  5. Openness – I will let people into my life: even the word communication comes from the Latin meaning “common.” Connection requires both parties to engage and be open.
  6. Likability – I will care about people: people like people who like them. If they don’t like you, they won’t listen to you or attend your class. Think about your own favorite teachers, I bet they were one that you liked.
  7. Humility – I will think of myself less so I can think of others more: humility is knowing and using your strength for the benefit of others, on behalf of a higher purpose. We must look out for the good of others. A humble leader can bring out the best in people. Arrogance plays up one’s strength to receive praise while humility raises up others so they can be praised. A great way to connect with others is to talk about your own flops, failures and fumbles. Some of the best ideas come out of the worst blunders. If you want to connect, don’t just talk about your successes, but also your failures. Humility comes from admitting your weaknesses, being patient with other’s weaknesses, being open to correction and pointing the spotlight on others.
  8. Adaptability – I will move from my world to theirs: sharing a meal can be a great way to do this; getting out of the comfort zone, sharing favorite food and visiting in someone’s home.

Connectors Go First:

  1. Ask, “Do I feel what you feel?” before asking, “Do you feel what I feel?” We must take people on a journey, and we cannot take them unless we start where they are. Connecting begins with feelings. If you connect on an emotional level it is easier to connect on other levels.
  2. Ask, “Do I see what you see?” before asking, “Do you see what I see?” It is not a matter of casting a vision well enough so others can see it, hoping they will then move forward. This causes us to want others to see things my way. Worse, we will assume that people already see things from our perspective. I read about a older father who looked back to when he was younger, and said he would work harder on seeing things through my children’s eyes. We often miss teaching moments because we want our kids to see things the way we see them.
  3. Ask, “Do I know what you know?” before asking, “Do you know what I know?” After years of dealing with marriage counseling, John Maxwell writes that couples’ greatest desire is to express their point of view from their perspective. They want to get the point across. Only after someone knows what the other person knows can you begin to understand how to connect.
  4. Ask, “Do I know what you want?” before asking, “Do you know what I want?” Attendance at church typically changes in cycles; winter is up, summer is down. Can we keep attendance up by giving people what they want, rather than what we want? This requires that we go beyond head knowledge to the heart. Ask of your people:
    1. What do you dream about?
    2. What do you sing about?
    3. What are you crazy about?

We are not supposed to just transmit massive chunks of information onto people; let’s invest in them.  Communication is a journey.

Connecting Practice: Connectors Connect on Common Ground.
Key Concept: Know the reasons you and your students want to communicate and build a bridge between those reasons.

Practical Steps:

  1. You must know your reason, know your other person’s reason and find a way to connect the two.
  2. You build a bridge by asking questions, gaining feedback, asking more questions, telling stories, share emotions, and offer lessons learned.
  3. In a group you can ask, “What brought us together?” or “What goals do we have in common?”
  4. In class: validate their feelings, share that you perhaps feel the same way, tell them what you found that helped you, offer to help them find help in their lives.

Church Leadership Assumptions

I discovered a wealth of information from the leadership seminar notes of the Norfolk Area Baptist Association Minister’s Conference on May 13, 2010. This is pretty intriguing information about the relevance of the church in today’s culture.

The Church in America is in desperate need of a new model for the local church. We currently develop churches based on a model of ministry that was developed several hundred years ago, rejecting the fact that the society for which that model was designed no longer exists.

“The constant cry of the unchurched, ‘The church is irrelevant to the way I live’ cannot be addressed until the model itself is renewed to acknowledge that the times have changed. Our approach to meeting people’s needs with the unchanging truths of the gospel must reflect our sensitivity to that change.” — George Barna

Why don’t you go to church?

  1. Churches are always asking for money
  2. Services are boring and lifeless
  3. Services are predictable and repetitive
  4. Sermons are irrelevant to daily life as it’s lived in the real world
  5. The pastor makes me feel guilty and ignorant, so I leave church feeling worse than when I came

“There is much to be said for people feeling that they are part of a winning team. Adults these days are too busy and under too much pressure to cheerfully and willingly offer their free time to activities that continually fail.” – George Barna

False Assumptions in Church Leadership

Here is an excerpt from an article by Dave Travis. The article challenges us on several fronts and I think it merits your attention. Travis writes, “These false assumptions lead to misguided ministry, out of touch with those who need to be reached.” He shares the false assumptions and then contrasts them with his view of reality:

Assumption – We live in a church culture.
Reality – There are far more people out there with no connection to the church than we care to admit. Kennon Callahan said it best in his book, Effective Church Leadership, “The day of the churched culture is over. The day of the mission field has come.” Leaders need to do a gut check in order to see the persons in their neighborhoods as persons that we can reach. Leaders should represent the unchurched to the churches’ teams and committees, helping to keep focused on the need to reach them for Christ.

Assumption – People will be committed to a cause or a group.
Reality – In days like these, you can’t count on anything. Too often, the members of church leadership teams don’t show up. Some of our leaders are committed to too many ways of making a difference. When congregations have too many focus points, everything looks diluted. What are the one or two ministries where you can have an impact?

Assumption – People know reality is not what they see on TV or movies.
Reality – The media is defining what is real for many people. Frequent stories of violence and decay distort reality for many. In the movies and on TV we see sin without consequences leading many persons to believe that there should be no consequences in real life. Church leaders need to be able to communicate both sides of reality. No, there is not as much crime as some media portray but yes there are consequences to bad choices.

Assumption – We assume that our culture is word-oriented.
Reality – It is visual. Computers have revived writing as a skill but it is not a pen-and-paper effect. It is actually a visual effect. Bookstores are expanding, but profits are found in readers over 40 who buy for themselves and their children. The emerging generations respond to visual stimulation. We need to consider our communication styles and media within the church and to the larger community.

Assumption – We assumed the solutions to our life situations and problems are passed from an older generation to a younger.
Reality – The present culture is extremely mosaic and eclectic. With the half-life of technical and specialized education now lasting under five years, older generations are learning from younger people, not vice versa. We must be willing as individuals, in our committees and teams, and as a larger organization to seek out solutions from the best providers.

Assumption – We need to bring people into the church to make disciples.
Reality – We need to equip people to go out to make disciples in the world. It’s not what happens inside the four walls, but what happens outside that counts. We must equip leaders to be equippers of others who minister in the marketplace, in the neighborhood, and on the mission field.

Assumption – Eventually we will learn what we need and return to a stable state.
Reality – There is no stable state, and there probably never was one. Everyone, church leaders and church members, must be constantly learning to handle the changes in our culture. Change will only increase in the next decade. We must not build hope for a false utopia. A life lesson for all of us: when you find yourself in white water you’d better learn to row and keep on rowing.