Category: Marriage

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 06

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Day Six: Humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

This story is taken from Night Light, by Dr. James and Shirley Dobson (Multnomah Publishers, Sisters, OR, 2000). Mr. Smith learned that his neighbor, Mr. Jones, had presented flowers and a gift to Mrs. Jones five nights in a row. He thought, That must be what wins a woman’s heart. So Smith went out and bought a big box of candy and a bouquet of his wife’s favorite flowers. Arriving home a little early that afternoon, he rang the doorbell. When Mrs. Smith appeared, he passionately embraced her. Suddenly she sagged and fell in a heap on the floor. “My goodness! What’s wrong?” he exclaimed.

When she regained consciousness, she explained. “Oh, this has been the worst day! Our son received a terrible report card; Mother was admitted to the hospital; the roast burned; the washing machine broke. Now to top it off, you come home drunk!”

Has it been a while since you brought home anything to your wife except for a special occasion? Would she think there was something wrong with you if you brought something home for her?

Today’s encouragement challenge is to surprise your wife with something – flowers or something as simple as her favorite candy or the latest book from her favorite author. It doesn’t have to be big, it just has to say, “I was thinking of you. I love you. And I thought you would like this.”

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 05

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Day Five: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

Even during these 30 days when you, and hopefully your wife, are both working to build up and encourage one other, you might find yourselves in a debate, a discussion, or an all-out battle that leaves one or both of you angry and upset.

Charles Schultz, the creator of the Peanuts cartoon, once said that “Love is never having to say you’re sorry.” That philosophy might work with puppies, but it certainly doesn’t work in marriage.

The inability to say you’re sorry often stems from pride, pride that keeps you from saying you were wrong and that you just might have to change your thoughts or actions in a particular area.

Think over the events of the day, the week, or even past weeks and honestly consider if there is something for which you need to say “I’m sorry.”

If you or your spouse are angry about something that happened today, do not go to sleep tonight until the issue has been put out in the open and discussed. You may not be able to resolve it all tonight, but neither should you let the sun go down while you are angry in hopes of the issue resolving itself while you sleep.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 04

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Day Four: May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14

How are you doing with your commitment to say only good things about your wife and to others about your wife? Did you catch yourself starting to say something negative and then stopping? Did you falter and let something slip? Did you have a thought about your wife’s actions or attitude that would not be pleasing to her or to God?

Recommit yourself to the ground rules of the 30 Day Challenge:

You can’t say anything negative about your wife… to your wife… or to anyone else about your wife.
Say something that you admire or appreciate about your wife… to your wife… or to someone else about your wife every day.

In fact, let’s go one step beyond recommitting to the ground rules and intentionally say something positive about your wife to someone else while she is listening. I am not talking about mere flattery; I mean a real, honest compliment that will tell someone else and your wife how much you appreciate her.

You do not have to come up with something new that you’ve never thought of, although there’s nothing wrong with that. You can choose one of the items from Day One or from the list of chores that your wife normally takes care of and tell someone how your wife makes your home and your life special when she can conveniently “overhear” what you are saying.

After she gets over the surprise, you will see a smile on her face you haven’t seen in a long time.

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 03

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Day Three: And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

OK, you’ve done some talking and you’ve done some playing, now it’s time to put your words into action.

What can you do to help your wife today? Do the dishes need washed? Does the laundry need folded and put away? Do the kids need baths? Can you cook?

Even just a few minutes of your time to help your wife complete the tasks before her will go a long way to encourage her and make her feel loved.

Let your wife know how much you appreciate all that she does and ask her what she needs help with the most today – and do it as unto the Lord, giving thanks and without grumbling.

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 02

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Day Two: A happy heart makes the face cheerful. Proverbs 15:13

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” George Bernard Shaw

How did you do with your list of things you admire about your wife? Did you start off slow and gain momentum? Did you find it hard to come up with even one thing to be thankful for? I certainly hope not!

As a husband and wife live together on a daily basis, taking care of the kids, the house, the pets, the bills, and everything else that goes into daily life, we tend to forget to have fun together – to play.

Ask your wife to join you outside to play frisbee or go for a walk or look at the stars. Take her out for coffee and enjoy the drive. Do something together that you enjoyed while you were dating.

I know you love your kids and you love spending time with them, but you need to take time to spend time with each other without the kids to remember what it feels like to be Bill and Nancy or Ted and Alice, not just Mom and Dad.

Sure the bills and the dishes and the tax forms all need your attention, but take time to enjoy being friends, not just husband and wife or Mom and Dad.

Today’s assignment for encouraging your wife is to do something fun together today that will make you forget the cares of the world and make you feel like young lovers again.

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

30-Day Husband Challenge – Day 01

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I found something interesting that the Men of Steel can do over the next 30-day period. This 30-day challenge might take you down paths you haven’t been before. It will require contemplation, vulnerability, and action. Some steps along the way may be scary because you haven’t thought these thoughts or spoken these words in a long time, but the thoughts and feelings are there and both you and your wife need to hear and experience them.

For the next 30 days, these two ground rules will be the basis of your relationship with your wife:

  1. You can’t say anything negative about your wife… to your wife… or to anyone else about your wife.
  2. Say something that you admire or appreciate about your wife… to your wife… or to someone else about your wife every day.

Keep track, mentally if not in written form, of the changes that you see take place in your wife, your marriage, and your home as you take part in this 30 Day Wife Encouragement Challenge.

Day One: The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ Genesis 2:18

As a Christian, you must know that men and women bring to the marriage different strengths, gifts, and outlooks on life and love. Think about some ways that your wife is “good for you,” ways in which she makes you and/or your life better. Is she the one that brings color to your life by decorating the home and making it enjoyable to come home? Does she inspire you to try new things that you wouldn’t have tried otherwise? Do you still get that warm, gushy feeling when she looks at you and smiles to tell you that she is glad you chose her?

  1. Make a list of ways your life is better because of your wife.
  2. Share the list with your wife and tell her how good it is that she is your helper and that you are not alone.

These words, coming from the most important man in her life, will bring great joy and encouragement to your wife.

* Written and distributed by Claudia J. Pate, www.theanniversaryshop.wordpress.com

 

Communication Skills for Men

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Ok, I’m definitely no expert but I have done research and have a desire to help men (including myself) to become the best husbands they can be. This post is about learning to communicate, because without good communication, our wives will feel isolated and misunderstood. 

There is a problem when men use “guy-to-guy” communication on our wives, we just see things differently! Here are four things we can do to better communicate at home: 

Learn to Listen

Generally, a lot of men decide what they think before they talk, while many women decide what they think while they are talking. So, for this reason, women need to know that they have been heard. So the wise husband will… 

  • Seek out his wife when he comes home
  • Ask her about her day
  • Not take it personally if she’s upset
  • Ask questions they let her know that he is engaged 

Do you hear her, but rarely listen? Do you listen carefully rather than superficially? Think about the things that you hear and can identify. Don’t allow the obligations of everyday life interfere with the treasure you have in your wife. 

Refuse to Be Mr. Fix-It

When the women shares feelings, most husbands see this as a call to action (drop everything and come to the rescue). But she really just wants to be understood, and problem-solving is a secondary issue. She often wants to talk about the problem rather than solve the problem.

 

Give Reassurance

Silence and withdrawal are often seen as rejection, so stop it! If you have to leave for an appointment, give her a word of reassurance, like, “I’m going out for a while and will be back soon to pick up where we left off.” Simple acts of kindness, like holding her hand in the car or opening the door for her can communicate reassurance.

 

Ask For Her Input

This will definitely help her to stay connected. What do you think about…? How do you feel about…? She is a valued part of your life and she needs to feel that she is important to you. 

Now, when she’s upset, do not fan the flames! How often is it that she is upset, so you also become upset? Resist the temptation. Keep your cool, allow her to vent. A great verse to follow is James 1:19. 

Face it, husbands are far less communicative than wives, so it is important that men understand that the strong silent type is not the role model we need. Also, wives connect by sharing feelings, so don’t just seek to find solutions, try to give some understanding and reassurance.

Harmony in Your Marriage

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Take a look at 2 Timothy 2:24. Basically we are refrain from quarreling, and be kind to people. Sometimes it’s hard to do that! But in reality, who said the Christian life was easy? What about living this out in your marriage? 

Quarreling in a marriage can become a problem; I’m not just talking about disagreements. I recently read this observation and illustration: 

“Women look at the world through pink sun­glasses, while men look at that same world through blue sunglasses—and, believe me, they do not necessarily see the same thing! 

“My favorite illustration of this is when a wife says, ‘I have nothing to wear,’ she means she has nothing new to wear. When her husband says, ‘I have nothing to wear,’ he means he has nothing clean to wear. Each uses the same words but means something differ­ent based on pink and blue views!”  —Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Cracking the Communication Code.

 Avoid a Bad Connection

Breakdowns in communication between men and women are not exactly rare. Imagine this, a husband leaving the house may yell in his wife, “Honey, I’m going out to buy a hammer.” Harmless, right? Well, it depends. If it comes after a week of late nights at the office and compounding emotional separa­tion, the wife may actually hear, “Hey, what’s-your-face, I’d rather roam the hardware store instead of be with you.” 

Conversely, a well-meaning wife may offer her time to spruce up the yard, but the husband hears her words as a backhanded attack on his ability to get things done. 

Communication between the genders can be com­plex. Men and women process life differently, and our understanding of the conversa­tion or action will often differ dramatically. Most of this meaning-seeking is harmless, but if there are any lingering grudges based on real or imagined prior offenses, the next conversation can go in the wrong direction in a hurry. 

Strive to Live in Harmony

In 1 Peter 3:8-9, Peter encourages husbands and wives to “be compassionate and humble, not paying back evil for evil or insult for insult but, on the contrary, giving a blessing.” What great advice! Rather than simply fly off the handle at anything that even sounds like it might be the least bit critical, we husbands need to exercise self-control and seek to listen and understand before anything else. 

Overreacting often leads to marital conflict.

The Ties That Bind

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The Christian life is all about relationships. Think about the people you have in your life (right now and in the past) and what they mean to you.

REMEMBER YOUTH RETREATS?

If you’ve ever been to youth summer camp, you probably know the drill. Everybody packs into a dimly lit room, where there’s a candle (or maybe a ball of yarn) that is passed from person to person. Each person tells the next why they’re special. When the yarn has made its way around the room, and it’s all said and done, the bonds between the people in the room will have grown deeper just because a few simple words of appreciation were said. 

Yet that sense of unity doesn’t have to end when the retreat ends. A sincere show of appreci­ation can be offered anytime and it’s one of the best gifts we can give someone. It’s a way of let­ting them know that they matter to us, that we value them, that they’re important. And every­body likes to hear that. Everybody craves that. 

SHOW APPRECIATION

The Bible tells us to show appreciation for others. In Philippians 2:29, Paul says to the Philippians concerning his buddy, Epaphroditus, “Receive him then in the Lord with all joy, and hold men like him in high regard.” In other words, show that you appreciate him, encourage him, because he deserves it! 

There’s not a right or wrong way to show appreciation for someone, but it needs to be gen­uine. Look for good in other people and express appreciation in real and meaningful ways. This will bless both of you and strengthen your relationship. This works with friends; it works with your wife! 

THE BOTTOM LINE

At the start of this New Year, look for an opportunity each today to show appreci­ation to someone. It’s the sort of thing that once we do it, the more we want to do it. 

Perhaps you want to show your appreciation to someone. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

  • Completely out of the blue, give them an unex­pected gift.
  • Drop them an encouraging e-mail.
  • When you go out to lunch, pick up the check.
  • Give your friends a date night with their spouses by watching their chil­dren.
  • Send a Hallmark Card, or a Dayspring Greeting.
  • Make a donation to their favorite charity.
  • If you’re given a unique opportunity, take your friend along for the ride.
  • Thank them publicly for what they’ve meant to you.
  • Brag on the characteristic that blesses you the most.
  • Show how you care through some random act of kindness.

Ten Questions to Ask Your Wife

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Do an Internet search on the “ten questions” and you can find them listed, but here I can add some commentary! I was working at the home office of the International Mission Board when Dr. Tom Elliff came to be the Special Assistant to the President for Spiritual Formation (I doubt that title will even fit on a business card). Tom Elliff  is now former president of the IMB. Tom’s original position was a rewarding one for the staff. I remember hearing quality teaching, not only out of the Bible but also flowing out of his extensive life experiences as a missionary, pastor and teacher. On one occasion, during our Spiritual Emphasis Week, Tom shared these ten questions.

Since the Men of Steel are “in it to win it,” we intend to be the best husbands and fathers we can be, not working in our own strength but in the strength found only through our connection with Christ. The base line challenge today comes out of 1 Peter 3:7 where Peter says,

“…husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

Did you get that? Our relationship with God can be hindered by the way we treat our wives! You know, the Bible records that Jesus asked a lot of questions. So, it might be good for us to ask a few questions as well. These are the 10 questions we should ask our wives every year. Ask, and let her respond. The goal is to know her heart:

  1. What could I do to make you feel more loved and cherished? The emphasis is on feeling and not knowing. Think about verbal affirmation of your love. She knows you love her, but does she feel that you love her?
  2. How can I best demonstrate my appreciation for you, your ideas, and your role as my wife? We may speak to others about our wives being the “better half,” but do they feel that their ideas, concerns and input is really up to half in the relationship? Do you brag about her to others? What do her friends tell her about what they heard you say about her?
  3. What could I do to assure you that I hear and understand your heart? Maybe her answer might be, “Asking me these questions is a good start!” A lot of couples have very little understanding of the other. Often times we build walls around us to protect ourselves from pain or shame. We don’t want our wives to know the truth because deep down we believe they will respect or love us less if they only knew the truth.
  4. What could I do to make you feel absolutely secure? How do you protect your wife? Physically is one way, providing a safe place to live without fear, but how about emotionally, spiritually or even morally? Tom told us a story about a husband who was watching TV and the wife watched him watch TV. The point was, watching a television program is one thing, watching TV (flipping channels looking for stuff) is something else. Can our wives see our moral integrity and the marriage relationship going down for the count?
  5. What can I do to ensure that you have confidence and joy in our future direction? The key word in this question is “our.” Does your wife feel that you are both together looking forward to and building the future, or is she just following you? Each cannot be just “doing their own thing” and living under the same roof.
  6. What attribute or practice would you like me to develop or improve? Is there something in my life you would prefer I eliminated? Face it, life means always seeing the opportunity for improvement.
  7. What attribute would you like me to help you develop in yourself? How can I help you in the best possible way? Not all problems can be solved with words. She can now help you to get the picture! How can you be a true partner with your wife?
  8. What achievement in my life would bring you greatest joy to your heart? The Bible is filled with examples of people whose lives were not over until it was over; like Caleb and Joshua, the spies and the Promised Land. The goal kept these two going through 40 years of wandering. A husband needs clear and positive objectives for the second half of life. Nothing encourages a man more than the privilege of accomplishment.
  9. What would indicate to you that I really desire to be more like Christ? Perhaps a deeper prayer life, full commitment to learning the Word of God, sensitivity to sinful activity, elimination of bad habits, friends, practices, a life marked by the Holy Spirit (bearing fruit – Galatians 5:22-23), that Christ is running the show rather than you.
  10. What mutual goal would you like to see us accomplish? Marriage is not about me, it’s about us. How can we make the most of our time spent on this earth?

Tom and his wife set aside a weekend retreat each year. Will you commit to ask these questions of your wife?

PS: if wives are looking for ten questions to ask her husband, check out what Tom’s wife asks him every year.