Things Jesus Would Not Say

Inspired by our friends down at the Wittenburg Door I wanted to see what type of insight and creativity might come from our WordPress community. Think of things that Jesus would not say…

  1. Oops.
  2. That never occurred to Me.
  3. Do you know the way to San Jose?
  4. Finders keepers, losers weepers.
  5. If you have sinned only a little, cast the first stone.
  6. Best two out of three?
  7. Don’t stop to help, we’re late for church.
  8. Well, I suppose it’d be OK. But just this once.
  9. What’s the matter with you guys? Can’t you take a joke?
  10. How long must I put up with you? (no, wait, He did say that).
  11. You’re not the boss of me.
  12. Do they want red or white wine?
  13. Do you want fries with that broiled fish?
  14. Maybe I should write this down.
  15. I’m pretty good at division, but I’m great at multiplication.
  16. Broadcast into all the world and make giving units.
  17. Peter, sometimes you’re such a poopy head.
  18. How the heck should I know why fools fall in love?
  19. Would you consider giving me half the kingdoms of the world if I fall down and worship you for, say, ten minutes?
  20. Just between you and me, I walked because I don’t know how to swim.
  21. Blessed are the … are the … um …
  22. If anyone desires to come after Me, let him attend church, pass an offering plate and follow the pastor.
  23. What in My name is going on in here?
  24. Has anyone seen my keys to the kingdom?
  25. The choir is so much better now that Tammy Faye is here.
  26. I’m not riding into town on that donkey.
  27. I have to buy a new suit for Easter.
  28. How many more of these seals do I have to break?
  29. Judas, am I not worth more than only 30 pieces of silver?
  30. Do I look fat in this robe?
  31. What Would I Do?
  32. How many angels really can dance on the head of a pin?
  33. Happy holidays.

What about things Jesus WOULD say today, like…

  1. A-Rod wants how much for 10 years?
  2. No, Benedict, you can’t exchange a beer stein for the wine chalice.
  3. See, this is what happens when you make Me illegal in America.
  4. I don’t believe in atheists, therefore atheists don’t exist.
  5. “What we have here, is, failure to communicate” (Cool Hand Luke).

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3 Replies to “Things Jesus Would Not Say”

  1. lpkalal

    Here’ something else he wouldn’t say:

    Just give me your tithe and I promise you a Mercedes next week.

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