Hidden Anger

Many people live life unaware that they have hidden anger, or suppressed anger that only occasionally surfaces. While hidden anger is usually rooted in past childhood hurts, the underlying effects are always ready to surface at any time. For example, when someone says or does something wrong, the one with suppressed anger often overreacts. When someone makes an innocent mistake, the magnitude of anger is out of proportion to the mistake.

If you have hidden anger, you can find yourself at one extreme or another; from feeling hopeless to feeling hostile, and can be totally unaware of why you are experiencing these feelings. The Bible makes it clear that some of our motives and emotions are hidden from our own view. “Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults.” (Psalm 19:12)

CLUES TO FIND HIDDEN ANGER

  • Do you have irritability over trifles?
  • Do you smile on the outside, while you hurt on the inside?
  • Do you find your identity and worth in excessive work?
  • Do you deny ever being impatient?
  • Do you have to have the last word?
  • Do those close to you say that you blame others?
  • Do you feel emotionally flat?
  • Do you find yourself quickly fatigued?
  • Do you have a loss of interest in life?
  • Do you become easily frustrated?

If you find that you have hidden anger, resolve to follow the Lord’s directive to these Christians in Colossae, “You must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.” (Colossians 3:8)

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This information comes from Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Anger: Facing the Fire Within, Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

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Unresolved Anger

The emotion of anger is not a problem in itself, but anger becomes a problem when left unresolved. Prolonged anger brings bitterness and unforgiveness. One way you can choose to harbor anger is by refusing to face your feelings in a healthy way. This unresolved anger not only creates a rift between you and God, but also damages your body, destroys your emotions, and demoralizes your relationships.

Whether you recognize it or not, extended anger can cause significant physical, emotional, and spiritual problems. Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment.” (Matthew 5:22)

Unresolved anger is known to produce in many people some of the following physical, emotional, and spiritual symptoms:

Physical Symptoms: High blood pressure, Heart disease, Stomach disorders, Intestinal disorders, Headaches, Blurred vision, Insomnia, Compulsive eating

Emotional Symptoms: Anxiety, Bitterness, Compulsions, Depression, Fear, Insecurity, Phobias, Worry

Spiritual Symptoms:

  • Loss of Perspective
  • Allowing your emotions to distort your thinking
  • Loss of Vision
  • Losing a sense of purpose for your life
  • Loss of Sensitivity
  • Failing to hear the Spirit of God speaking to your heart
  • Loss of Energy
  • Lacking strength for your service to God and others
  • Loss of Freedom
  • Becoming a prisoner of your circumstances
  • Loss of Confidence
  • Feeling insecure about your response to difficulties
  • Loss of Faith
  • Failing to trust that God is working in your life
  • Loss of Identity
  • Becoming like the person toward whom you are bitter

Unresolved anger produces bitterness. And the Bible links bitterness with being in bondage to sin. “I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin.” (Acts 8:23)

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This information comes from Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Anger: Facing the Fire Within, Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

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Action or Reaction in Anger

It’s time for some self-evaluation… ask yourself these questions:

  1. When you are angry, does reason rule the day or do tense emotions take over?
  2. Do you allow the mind of Christ within you to determine how best you should act, a choice that leads to appropriate action … or do you have a knee-jerk reaction that leads to inappropriate reaction?

If you have never evaluated what happens when you feel angry or if you lack insight as to how others perceive you when you are angry, seek God’s wisdom and understanding. “If you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.” (Proverbs 2:3–6)

An appropriate action is expressing your thoughts and feelings with restraint, understanding, and concern for the other person’s welfare. “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.” (Proverbs 17:27)

An inappropriate reaction is expressing your thoughts and feelings in such a way that stirs up anger in others so that it produces strife. Proverbs, the book on wisdom, paints this graphic picture, “As churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife.” (Proverbs 30:33)

To help assess whether you act or react, take time to answer the following questions:

Anger ActionsEven though a situation may evoke anger, those who allow the Lord to be their strength will respond appropriately. “As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” (Colossians 3:12)

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This information comes from Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Anger: Facing the Fire Within, Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

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The Magnitude of Anger

Anger, like heat, has many degrees ranging from from mild, controlled irritation to a hot, uncontrolled explosion. Anger covers many levels of the emotion. “Simeon and Levi are brothers—their swords are weapons of violence. Let me not enter their council, let me not join their assembly, for they have killed men in their anger and hamstrung oxen as they pleased. Cursed be their anger, so fierce, and their fury, so cruel! I will scatter them in Jacob and disperse them in Israel.” (Genesis 49:5–7)

Indignation is simmering anger provoked by something appearing unjust or unworthy and often perceived as justified. Jesus became “indignant” when the disciples were preventing parents from bringing their children to Jesus so that He might touch and bless them. “When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.’ ” (Mark 10:14)

Wrath is burning anger accompanied by a desire to avenge. Wrath often moves from the emotion of anger to the outward expression of anger. In Romans 1:18, God expresses His wrath as divine judgment on those who commit willful sin. “The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness.” (Romans 1:18)

Fury is fiery anger so fierce that it destroys common sense. The word fury suggests a powerful force compelled to harm or destroy. Some members of the Sanhedrin were so angry with Peter and the other apostles for proclaiming that Jesus was God that “they were furious and wanted to put them to death” (Acts 5:33). That is why the Bible says, “Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming.” (Proverbs 27:4)

Rage is blazing anger resulting in loss of self-control, often to the extreme of violence and temporary insanity. After an outburst of rage, how many times have we heard this cry of remorse, “I can’t believe I did that!” Yet those who continue to vent their rage toward others, including toward God, find themselves defeated by their own destructive decisions and ruined relationships. “A man’s own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the LORD.” (Proverbs 19:3)

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This information comes from Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Anger: Facing the Fire Within, Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

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The Meaning of Anger

In a fire, things can get out of control pretty quickly, so take action at the first signs of becoming angry before it consumes your life and destroys your relationships. “A quick-tempered man does foolish things.” (Proverbs 14:17)

  1. Anger is a strong emotion of irritation or agitation that occurs when a need or expectation is not met. “An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins.” (Proverbs 29:22)
  2. Anger is the fuel for what the Bible describes as a hot-tempered or quick-tempered person. “A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.” (Proverbs 15:18)
  3. Anger in the Old Testament is most frequently the Hebrew literally meaning “nose or nostrils” and, figuratively, picturing nostrils flaring with anger. Later, the word came to represent the entire face as seen in two ancient Hebrew sayings:
    1. “Long of face” (or nose) meaning … slow to anger. “The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.” (Psalm 145:8)
    2. “Short of face” (or nose) meaning … quick to anger. “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered.” (Proverbs 22:24)
  4. Anger in the New Testament is a Greek word which originally meant any “natural impulse or desire,” but later came to signify “anger as the strongest of all passions.” It is often translated as “wrath” because of its powerful, lasting nature. “For those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger.” (Romans 2:8)

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This information comes from Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Anger: Facing the Fire Within, Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

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God Speaks to His People

God has not changed; he still speaks to his people (Hebrews 1:1, John 14:26, John 16:13-14, John 8:47). He spoke in the Old Testament, then through his Son, and now through the Holy Spirit who guides, teaches and reminds us of what Jesus taught.

If you have trouble hearing God speak, you are in trouble at the very heart of your Christian experience.

When we do not hear from God, we must check to see if sin has caused separation from God (Romans 3:10-11). We cannot understand the truth of God unless the Holy Spirit speaks to us and the Spirit speaks to us four ways:

  1. Through the Bible.
  2. Through prayer.
  3. Through circumstances.
  4. Through the church.

When he speaks, he reveals these two things:

  1. His purposes.
  2. His ways.

So, why can I not hear from God? The key to knowing God’s voice is found in a relationship. It is not a formula, but a person. Check out John 10:2-4, 14.

  1. Jesus is the Shepherd, we are the sheep.
  2. Sheep listen to his voice.
  3. Sheep follow him because they know his voice.
  4. The Shepherd knows the sheep and they know him.

When we hear God, or we think we have heard him, we sometimes ask for a sign of proof, Like Gideon (Judges 6), but Jesus had something to say about people who seek signs.

  1. Wicked and perverse generation (Matthew 12:38-39).
  2. Asking for a sign is an indication of unbelief.

When we claim to hear from God, there is a caution to heed (this is serious business):

  1. If God has given you a word, you must follow through in that direction until it comes to pass (even 25 years like Abraham).
  2. If you have not been given a word from God yet you say you have, you stand in judgment as a false prophet (Deuteronomy 18:21-22).

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Being a Disciple of Jesus

This is a poem written by Jefferson Bethke to highlight the difference between Jesus and false religion. In the Bible, Jesus received the most opposition from the most religious people of his day. At it’s core Jesus’ gospel and the good news of the Cross is in pure opposition to self-righteousness/self-justification.

Religion is man centered, Jesus is God-centered. This poem highlights his journey to discover this truth. Religion either ends in pride or despair. Pride because you make a list and can do it and act better than everyone, or despair because you can’t do your own list of rules and feel “not good enough” for God.

With Jesus though you have humble confident joy because He represents you; you don’t represent yourself. His sacrifice is perfect, putting us in perfect standing with God!

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College Ministry Questions

I’ve been reading up on ministry to college students (College Ministry from Scratch: Equipping Kids for Life after Youth Group, by Chuck Bomar) and want to share a little about what I have learned:

It is important to get to know the college-aged people in our ministry, spending time with them and getting to know them is important.

  1. What Commitments Do You Want to Shape Your Life? This question is good to ask for a number of reasons.
    1. First, it helps college-age people think through commitment. Some never commit, some over commit, while others commit without realizing the implications of that commitment. So asking this question gets the idea of commitment to the front of their minds and hopefully forces them to move from one stage to the next.
    2. Second, this question gets down to what they desire. College-age people are trying to figure out what they want. Many people are asking them what they’re going to do with their lives, but they don’t move toward that until they figure out what they want. In other words, this question will help them with a thought process they’re already in. It’s helping them figure out what they want to be committed to. Notice that I didn’t say what they are committed to. Once they figure out what they want to be committed to, we can help them differentiate those things with what they are committed to already. Most likely they’re currently doing things that undermine the very things they want in life. And it’s at this point of the conversation that discipleship really begins. Our desire is to get them to the point where they want their commitment to God to shape their lives. What we commit to today will shape our lives tomorrow. So the key is getting them to a point where they’re aligning their commitments with what they desire. It might take a dozen meetings to discuss this question fully, but it’s worth the time.
  2. How Do You Know You’re a Christian? This is a bit of a loaded question. We often ask questions like, “How did you become a Christian?” or even “When or how did you get saved?” but it’s different to ask a question worded this way.
    1. This is a great question to get people thinking theologically, and it can launch you into a very long, yet healthy and fun conversation. The goal of asking this is to help them gain a sense of confidence in their salvation.
    2. But beware: The opposite might happen first. And this is where it gets fun. Most of the time their response will have something to do with a time they remember praying. Challenge this. Ask them something like, “So, you know you’re a Christian because you prayed one time?” You’ll likely witness some intellectual gymnastics at this point. They might flounder around a bit, struggling to find an answer. But this is healthy. Although it might get a bit uncomfortable for them, we’re actually helping them toward being more confident in who they are in Christ. Eventually we can guide them toward:
      1. Seeing the fruits of the Spirit in their lives (Galatians 5:22-23),
      2. Seeing the transformation that’s taken place (Romans 12:2),
      3. Seeing their obedience to Christ (John 15:10), and
      4. Seeing the love they have for other believers (1 John 5:1). But letting them discover these things for themselves by asking them questions is a great and natural way of helping them get there.
  3. What’s the Difference Between a Faith and a Conscience? So many college-age people, especially those who’ve grown up in the church, have more of a religious conscience than they do a personal faith. This question can take some explaining on your part, so I’ll help you out here.
    1. The bottom-line difference is that we’re not saved through a conscience; we’re saved through our faith (Ephesians 2:8). Helping college-age people differentiate between these two things is very important. A conscience is gained by receiving information. What we’re taught shapes our conscience. So it’s possible to do certain things—or not do them—simply because we grew up being taught that way.
    2. College-age people are at the point where they’re reevaluating all of the assumptions they grew up with. They’re trying to figure out what they personally believe, versus just assuming something to be true because their parents believe that way. So, this question is just another way of helping them think through what they’re already processing. It gets to the core of what they believe, and it’s a natural way for us to join in on that journey.
  4. Who Are You? This question gets to the core issue of college-age people: Identity. Identity is not an issue; it’s the issue that college-age people are thinking through. This might seem like a simple question, but it’s not.
    1. It’s a great question because it forces people to think about who they believe they are, who they believe they’re perceived to be, and possibly even who they want to be.
    2. Perhaps most importantly, this question gives us clues as to how much their faith factors into their sense of themselves. For the most part it doesn’t. Most will initially respond with personality traits, career pursuits, or likes and dislikes.
    3. The final stage of natural identity formation in college-age people is the Theologian stage. I’m not saying they need to be seminary-trained; I’m simply suggesting that their sense of identity is seen in who they’ve been made into through Christ. The theologian would answer this question by saying something like, “I’m a child of God.” They not only verbalize this, but they seek to embrace it. Now, embracing our identity solely in Christ is an ongoing process for all of us—one that’s never fully embraced here on earth, unfortunately. But we want to help people get to the point where they desire to embrace this truth and are pursuing it. And we can make them aware of our continuing process in this area as well. It’s a fun conversation to have with someone, for sure. But most importantly, we can learn how we might assist them in discovering their spiritual identity before anything else.
  5. What Do Others Want from You? The biggest reason I ask this question is that it allows me to see the pressures they’re feeling from other people. The college-age years are filled with pressure, but every person experiences different challenges and handles them differently as well.
    1. This question might give us insight into their relationship with their parents, a boss, or even the pressure they put on themselves.
    2. It can lead the conversation in dozens of directions, but it helps them think through what’s weighing on them and gives us insight into how we might be able to encourage them. Ultimately, of course, we can guide this conversation toward what God wants from them. And helping them focus here, possibly negating all other pressures, is the place we want them to get to.
  6. What Do Others Want for You? This question is a great follow-up to the previous one. For instance if they feel pressure from their parents, then this question might help them see past the pressure and into their parents’ motivations. Most parents just want what’s best for their child. This can be a healthy thing for a college-age person to recognize and articulate. This can even help relieve some of the pressure they feel. Plus, it can provide a great opportunity for us to encourage them and potentially walk with them as they seek to articulate their feelings to their parents. We can let them know that our desire is to see them get where they want to be and that we want to help them get there. And along the way we can help them discover what God wants for them, too.
  7. What Makes You Unique? This question really helps self-awareness. It naturally causes college-age people to differentiate themselves from everyone else, which is a crucial step in identity formulation. This can obviously give us insights into strengths they have, but it could also lead into struggles they’re facing. They might feel disconnected, like nobody cares, or just completely different to the point that they have a hard time finding a sense of belonging anywhere. Again, this can provide a great opportunity for encouragement and help us discover a place where our voices can have an impact in their lives.

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College Ministry Mentoring

I’ve been reading up on ministry to college students (College Ministry from Scratch: Equipping Kids for Life after Youth Group, by Chuck Bomar) and want to share about college students sharing in the lives of older more mature believers in the church.

Here are five simple markers that show a certain quality in relationships between older believers and college-age people:

  1. The frequency and consistency with which the pair meets together one-on-one. If they’re meeting frequently on their own, without any prodding from others, then it shows that each of them sees the value in the relationship. If there isn’t consistency, then it’s paramount that we figure out why. It might be a matter of schedules, or it might be that the two people just don’t click for some reason. Either way, this is when we can step in and help cultivate that relationship.
  2. The college-age person seeks spiritual wisdom from the older adult on her own. If this is the case, it says the younger person sees value in this relationship. It also likely suggests that the older believer feels confident in his or her spiritual direction. If this isn’t happening, then we may need to equip the older believer or perhaps help the younger one to see the value of someone older investing in her spiritual life.
  3. The college-age person knows where the dishes are in the older believer’s kitchen. This shows a particular level of intimacy in the relationship, which takes time to develop, of course.
  4. The college-age person can drop by the home of an older believer uninvited. This again shows an intimacy and comfort level in the relationship that indicates quality.
  5. The college-age person’s pursuit of an older believer’s counsel in everyday life circumstances. College-age people are thinking through all sorts of things. If they’re seeking the advice of the older believer in their life’s direction, educational pursuits, job concerns, or any other daily issues—again, this shows us something about this relationship.

Most college ministry job descriptions include references to weekly gatherings, campus ministry, and discipleship but lack specifics that get to the heart of what’s truly needed in college ministry. Here is a Job Description summary:

  1. Learn and understand age-stage issues.
  2. Personally disciple college-age people.
  3. Help cultivate a heart in older believers for younger people.
  4. Create bridges for the building of intergenerational relationships.
  5. Provide direction for mentorships.
  6. Create a gathering point.
  7. Develop self-feeders.
  8. Develop a relationship with campus leaders.

Our biblical command isn’t to run a program; it’s to disciple people. Although a program might be a piece of that, it’s important to make the distinction.

The more you personally help college-age people through their life issues, the more you’ll be able to help other leaders do the same. Your experience is going to be critical for the long-term effectiveness of ministry to college-age people in the church.

So when Jesus told his closest men to go and make disciples, they certainly would not have walked away thinking they needed to have a weekly meeting and go through a book together! Discipleship is a part of the job description, but it is through sharing life, not through weekly meetings.

Preparing a great talk or small group Bible study probably won’t have the greatest impact on the people in our ministry. It’s the time we spend giving them our undivided attention. It’s being available, there in person, and willing to hear them out or walk alongside them through the pains and joys of life that has lasting impact.

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Dealing with Conflict at Work

We are involved in relationships all the time, and sometimes it can get messy… at home, at school, the neighborhood and at work. I have read books about how to cope with difficult people but sometimes you just might need a little practical counsel on what to do when conflict arises at work.

When facing a situation at work when people disagree over a project, course of action or decision, we sometimes find ourselves fighting to win. It can become a test of wills.

Rather than digging in the heels and insisting on our own way, an alternative is to stop for a moment and view the potential outcome in terms of what is God’s way, what is best for the organization. That is for whom we are all working, right (Colossians 3:17, 23)?

I recently read a few tips on how we can get to God’s best for the organization:

1. Stop being so defensive: Being overly defensive does not score points. Instead, it makes you look desperate and immature. Usually what is perceived as a personal attack is nothing more than an attempt to make an improvement, or it may possibly even be a legitimate point of view. Remove your ego from the situation, and see if it looks any different when you start to view the facts.

Okay, sometimes it really is a personal attack. But the rest of these tips will still work.

2. Maintain a calm tone of voice: It’s easy to get sucked into the black hole of emotions, especially when the person on the other side begins to raise their voice, use aggressive hand gestures or hostile body language. You will do much better if you can maintain a calm, confident approach, even when you are in the epicenter of outburst. Take a deep breath, say a quick prayer, count to five, and keep your cool. Controlling your voice is the key to controlling the situation. You might be surprised at the respect this will win from the other observers in the room.

3. Don’t retaliate with criticism or personal attack: In your mind, view the experience on a higher, spiritual plane instead of a simple conflict between two alpha-managers. Instead of retaliating, begin to ask probing questions, and get at the heart of the opposing point of view. Turn the conversation towards what is best for the organization, not about who will win.

4. Acknowledge the other person’s idea as legitimate: One of the most counter-intuitive things you can do in the heat of an intimidating argument is to build up the other person by giving them credit for their opinion, even if you strongly disagree. Usually that is what they are after anyway, to soothe their own ego. Try complimenting the other person on the validity of their idea, and it may very well diffuse the negativity and lead to a more productive discussion.

5. Look to God’s outcome for the situation: If God is truly present in your life and in your organization (which He is), then you must trust that he has a purpose and an outcome that is bigger than you or your co-worker. Picture yourself as the conduit for God’s grace and purpose to pour into the situation at hand, and see how that changes your attitude and the outcome.

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