How to Know You Are Grieving

When we initially experience a significant loss, we can plunge into depths of grief and have difficulty coming up for air. Then eventually, after we surface, we are simply treading water, not swimming toward a real destination. The reason is called grief. When you feel engulfed with grief, realize that you have a Deliverer who will keep you from drowning in the depths of despair. “He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters” (Psalm 18:16).

What Does Grief Look Like?

  • Do you feel alone and isolated?
  • Do you feel that you are mechanically going through the motions of life?
  • Do you feel resentful toward God for allowing your loss?
  • Do you ask, “Why?” over and over again?
  • Do you feel overwhelmed, not knowing what to do or where to turn?
  • Do you feel emotionally distraught because of your loss?
  • Do you have frequent daydreams about your loss?
  • Do you feel angry or bitter over your loss?
  • Do you have difficulty forgiving those who caused your loss?
  • Do you frequently dream at night about your loss?
  • Do you see life as an empty struggle without much reward?
  • Do you feel helpless knowing how much others must also be suffering?
  • Do you wonder what kind of God would allow your loss?
  • Do you view God as uninvolved and lacking compassion?

Regardless of your view of God right now, the Bible says, “The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him” (Nahum 1:7).

What Are Characteristics of Chronic Grief?

Allowing yourself to be open and honest about your intense sorrow takes great courage. For some, the reality of personal pain has been buried so deeply that the ability to experience real grief is blocked. People do many things to camouflage or ignore their grief so that they don’t have to acknowledge and work through it. As a result, they have unhealthy, chronic grief, which is a barrier to emotional maturity. This unresolved sorrow blocks the comfort that Christ wants to give us. In the Beatitudes Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4)

  • Inhibited grief, denial of grief: “This is not really happening to me.”
  • Isolated grief, selective remembering: “I refuse to think about that car accident again.”
  • Insulated grief, reduced emotional involvement: “I’m not going to open myself up to be hurt this way again.”
  • Intellectualized grief, rationally explaining events: “It could have been worse.”
  • Inverted grief, returning to immature ways of responding: “I can’t believe it! I just had a temper tantrum like one I had when I was five years old.”
  • Immortalized grief, inability to let go of the loss: “He will always be a part of everything in my life.”

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Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Grief Recovery: Living at Peace with Loss. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

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