Your Band of Brothers

These are highlights from Stephen Mansfield’s book called, Building Your Band of Brothers. Buy the book for all the information [ Amazon ]

These brothers were also part of a larger band of men: the men of the village, town, or tribe. Survival was impossible without them. The men of this wider male community depended on each other for defense. They needed each other for the hunt. They relied on each other for help with their farms, for trade, and for the skills they did not possess themselves. They worked together, fought together, celebrated together, and worshiped together.

Introverts had to get over themselves. Loners were suspect. A man without a people to call his own was often viewed as a threat. If he was rootless and untethered, he might also be lawless and unprincipled. This was how people thought several hundred years ago.

This likely continued all through high school. Friendships were easier to find in those days. They were right at hand. Buddies lived in the same neighborhood or attended the same school or played in the same band or found each other at the same part-time jobs and during the raucous hours of fun that never seemed to end back then-back when friends were easier to find.

Whatever the cause, he got separated from his buddies. He got busy. A friend stopped being someone to hang out with every spare moment and became someone to call on the phone a few times a year. This kind of degraded friendship so marks our generation that psychologists have a name for it. They call them “rust” friends. It means guys who used to be close but who now only check in with each other a few times a year.

He was better in his pack, even if its corrections sometimes drew blood. He worked harder at everything he did because of the pack.

The average man today has none of this in his life. He has no men around him. He has no pack. No one is pushing him to be better. No one nips at him when he’s out of line. Who drives him to his best?

“I need other men in my life to be the man I am called to be.” You should say this yourself: “I need other men in my life to be the best man I can be.”

Now, let’s go further. Here is the truth you need to know: the band of brothers you need won’t form by itself. The men you need in your life in order for you to become a great man won’t assemble on their own. Few of us live the lives our ancestors did. Most of us don’t have a natural community of men around us.

I had work friends. I had racquetball friends. I had some church friends. I did not have a band of brothers. I did not have men who knew my life and could see what I could not see about myself. I did not have men who were not afraid of me, who would say whatever needed to be said to make me better and with whom life was a rowdy joy.

In the days of the Roman Empire, there were two Christian brothers who lived in the region that today is France. Their names were Crispin and Crispinian. They were shoemakers whose deep commitment to the example of Jesus moved them to give generously to the poor. Their fierce faith was the reason Roman authorities decided to execute them. The exact date this occurred is lost to us, but the Christian church honors these two martyrs each year on October 25, a date that has come to be known as St. Crispin’s Day. More than a thousand years after these two brothers were killed, England and France were at war. Before one of the great battles of that war, a battle at a place called Agincourt, King Henry V of England gave a rousing speech to his troops. This occurred on St. Crispin’s Day—Friday, October 25, 1415. We don’t know exactly what the king said but witnesses reported that it was one of the most moving speeches they had ever heard. A century later, William Shakespeare imagined that moment and made it part of his stirring Henry V. Shakespeare’s version of Henry’s words, one of the great speeches in all of English literature, is known to history as the St. Crispin’s Day Speech. In it are these lines: We few, We happy few, We band of brothers, For he today that sheds his blood with me, Shall be my brother.

A band of brothers, in the sense that we use the words in this book, is not a meeting, a club, a therapy group, or a self-help society. It is the group of men we do life with. It is the team of brothers committed with us to the cause of great manhood. It is the band of men with whom we build a manly culture of inspiration and achievement. Do not accept any substitutes.

You see, we men, we lie! We “forget.” We’ll shade the truth to keep a friend or just to save our image. Most of us would rather die a slow death of some unchecked moral flaw than to ever open our lives to the scrutiny of other men. I’m not immune to this. Neither are you.

To be the finest man I can be, I need big brothers, little brothers, fathers, and just plain buddies. I need men who know what I can be and know what might keep me from it. I need men who can push me to my destiny. Let me be even more specific. I need men who walk closely enough with me to notice the angry cell phone call I just had with my wife.

They are also near enough to know when I’m checking out the backside of the waitress. They point it out. They challenge me. They ask what’s going on at home.

This entire episode convinced me of a truth that has never left me: the man who is self-defined— who lives only in the light of his own understanding of himself—is a fool.

I believe that the heart of great manhood, of noble manhood, is found in a very simple phrase: Manly men tend their field.

In the middle of this verse is a word we cannot see because it is hidden behind the English translation. It is the word metron, the Greek word Paul used in his original letter. It means “a measured space.”

Paul was saying three things to the Corinthians. First, God had assigned a field to him. Second, that field—like all fields—had boundaries. Third, that field contained everything for which God had given Paul responsibility.

Now, I believe that what is true of Paul is also true of you and me. For every season of your life, God has given you a field to tend. That field is comprised of the people, things, and priorities God has assigned to you. Your job is to know your field, protect your field, and make sure that everything in your field flourishes according to the will of God.

There are other good things that begin to happen in a man’s life when he starts using his gifts for God-ordained purposes. One of them is that he starts learning important things about himself. He discovers his true strengths. He recognizes his traits. He realizes his power.

In short, this man’s family is in a free fall and it is all due to his neglect. Even his house is a symbol of his dysfunction. It was once beautiful and warm. Now it’s crumbling, broken, and unloved. It feels alien, even to the family who lives there. Everything in this man’s life is suffering from the absence of noble manhood. He only takes up space. He does not tend his field. He is merely a tourist in his own life, a passerby who takes responsibility for nothing, who prays for nothing, who intervenes for no noble purpose, and who is living so far from God’s will that he reeks of the despair that has settled in his soul. This is what it means for an uncaring man to neglect his field.

Tend your field. Do it to the glory of God. Do it realizing you cannot do it alone. You need God and a band of brothers. But do it passionately. All the features of righteous, noble manhood will emerge from your life as you do.

Most bands of brothers, like most male friendships, begin with an indirect connection. This simply means that the men involved get to know each other by doing something “indirect,” something other than digging into each other’s lives or asking tough questions or trying to process deep and emotional things. They watch a game or they fix something or they throw some meat on the grill. In other words, they relate to each other first by doing something other than relating. This is how men connect to each other and it is nearly always the start of everything meaningful among them.

Whatever it is, the boys look for something to do together. It’s how they relate to each other: by doing.

He who would master the art of bringing men together must master the art of the indirect connection. Almost everything meaningful among men starts indirectly. It is the way of things. It’s also a lot of fun.

This indirect connection among men usually leads to friendship. Yet a group of friends isn’t a band of brothers yet. What usually takes friendships to the next level is when one man honors the exceptional gifts of another man and makes this honor part of the meaning of the friendship.

So, he “became one in spirit” with David. Jonathan honored David and made honor a feature of the friendship between the two men.

The extension of honor makes a friendship that has largely been about shared enjoyments into a friendship that is also about shared purpose.

When fun and help mix together among men, a covenant transition is possible. This happens when two or more men make helping each other in some critical area of their lives a part of the purpose of the relationship.

Jim, I’ve noticed that you and your wife have a genuine romance. You really love each other, you keep the fires burning with touch and words and gifts and serving, and you are both so happy in your marriage. That isn’t the way it is at our house. I grew up without a dad. My mother drank and ran around. I just never saw anything like what you two are building at your place. Can you help me? I mean, can you show me how to win my wife’s heart?

One of my closest friends says that “a band of brothers often starts with two men and a drafted mentor.” It’s true. This is because the covenant transition turns friends into allies in the battle for great manhood.

When it comes to building a band of brothers, a “free fire zone” is created by an agreement among everyone in the band that anything that must be said to make a man better will be said. Each man extends to his brothers the right to address what needs to be addressed—gently, respectfully, with intent to build and not hurt—to help make him the man God intended.

Men thrive in this arrangement. It breeds confidence because each man trusts that his buddies have his back. It breeds moral courage because every man knows he has allies in his fight for noble manhood.

Only cowards watch a friend destroy himself and never say a word. Hear this. Every man you care about is fighting a great battle. Join him. Make him better. Help him win. Invite others into the great battles of your life. This is what a free fire zone is. Don’t go through life without it!

Where these four features of a band of brothers exist—the indirect connection, the extension of honor, the covenant transition, and the free fire zone—a culture grows. This culture is the environment in which manhood thrives, men get whole, victories are won, and destined territory is claimed. It is this culture that makes life in a band of brothers such a transforming experience.

Let’s stick to that first, easier definition: “culture is what is encouraged to grow.” In this sense, everyone creates a culture around them.

It is an important question for you because, if you’re going to be a valued part of a band of brothers as I describe them in these pages, you are going to have to take responsibility for building a culture.

Here is the truth: Culture rules. Culture wins. Culture shapes everything. The most important part of leadership, parenting, and friendship is culture building.

If a man spends a few hours among his band of brothers, he ought to leave feeling esteemed, feeling stronger than before, and feeling the boldness that comes from accepting a mission as part of a group of men. He should have increased passion to be good, greater inner fire to win his fights, and a deeper hunger to do noble things in the lives of others. He should also be wiser, better informed, and more equipped to fulfill his purpose.

A band of brothers is not a meeting, a club, a therapy group, or a self-help society. It is the group of men you do life with. It is the team of brothers who are committed to great manhood with you. It is the band of men you build a manly culture with, a culture of inspiration and improvement.

All the successful groups I’ve seen have these characteristics: there is some means of constant contact, there is always some kind of regular get-together, there is almost always some material on manhood to digest, there is plenty of free-flowing chat time, and there is nearly always a trip or a project scheduled once or twice a year. Food and laughter are ever-present.

Let me start by returning to the all-important matter of the indirect connection. If you want to lead or influence men—or if you just want to have a lot of good friends—you have to master the art of the indirect connection. It’s not difficult but it is something you have to be intentional about. Men are action-oriented. Men want to be up and doing. Ask a man what his favorite times with other men have been in his life and he is likely to describe experiences when he and his buddies were building something or going somewhere. There was action. There was teaming. There was a goal. These are important to men.

Remember the story about Jonathan and David I mentioned earlier? Notice that Jonathan wasn’t drawn to David’s words. He was drawn to the way David conducted himself on the battlefield. David’s actions told Jonathan what he needed to know. David’s actions revealed his spirit and Jonathan took note. This is the way it is with most men.

My band of brothers came up with this shorthand by taking the words “building a band of brothers” and shortening it to “3B.” So when one of my guys is teaching another man how to move a friendship toward something deeper, he’ll say, “Well, you’ll have to 3B him.” It means our guy will have to turn the friendship toward band of brothers themes.

So you start your hunt for a band of brothers by 3B-ing your existing friendships. Over time, you’ll gain more friendships.

Some of the great topics they opened up with were: • What’s the best book on being a good man that you’ve ever read? • What’s the hardest thing about being a man for you? • Who in your life taught you the most about being a good man? • What do you think is going on with the pitiful state of manhood these days? What are the answers? • What’s the one experience that has most shaped you as a man? • Man, I really battle lust/drinking/bitterness/violence. Got any answers for me? • Dude, what the heck is going on with our sons? • When I watched that movie, I saw the kind of man I want to be like. Did you feel the same way? You see how it goes. You simply open up a bit and let a friend step into great manhood with you.

It starts with a talk. It moves to a goal. It thrives on encouragement. It strengthens through knowledge. It achieves through partnership. This is how you 3B your friendships and enlist your buddies in the grand fight for manhood in our generation.

For a band of brothers to work as it should, the men involved must not be afraid to go after anything that hinders great manhood. The challenge to this will be different for every man. Some men will have to be coaxed into telling the truth. Other men will have to dare to ask the tough questions. All men will have to invest themselves in fixing what’s broken in each other’s lives.

Every man needs to be challenged by other men. Make this part of your culture as well. If a man mentions to you that he’s a hundred pounds heavier than he was in high school, you can’t just let that go. You say, “Listen, we’re going to start walking together. Get serious about this. I want to see you forty pounds lighter by June. C’mon, you can do this. We’ll do it together.”

They will never change unless someone cares enough to point out what needs to change and offers help. If cowardice rules, change won’t happen. If loving boldness rules, men thrive.

We don’t want to control the men around us or turn them into our students. We do want to spur them on to the greatness intended for them. This sometimes means pushing them to do things they need to do and making them accountable for results.

For a man to change, he needs to hear that his band of brothers believes in him, that they know he will overcome. Encouragement of this kind has to be expressed and demonstrated constantly to all the men near you, to all who feed on the contagious culture of manhood around you.

For a band of brothers to do its job, it has to appear in each man’s home occasionally. This just means that the men play pickup basketball in the driveway and then have some lunch. It means there’s some grilling happening on the patio before the game. It means each guy hosts a food fest at his place. Anything that puts his brothers in his home once in a while.

We do want to be a presence in the family of every man. We do want to know his wife, put an arm around his kids, and see how he lives. My wife knows who the men around me are. She has their phone numbers. They check on her from time to time.

It means we want the wife and children of every man to know they have backup if they ever need it. They are safe. Think of what these words must mean to a family, particularly in our troubled modern world: “We are standing with your husband and your dad. We’ve got him and, because we do, we’ve also got you. Let’s do this together.”

One of the tasks of every band of brothers is to initiate the boys.

I’ve seen it done a thousand ways. Some men put together an event in which their sons’ friends, coaches, and teachers give testimonies and issue challenges. There is usually a gift symbolizing this mile-stone—a sword, a plaque, or some other object that will last a lifetime. Always, there is food. Other men I know create a training program that culminates in a ceremony like I’ve described. Before the boy is welcomed into manhood, he has to perform community services, hike a great distance, memorize a large portion of manly text, maybe master a song on his guitar, or improve his bench press. Sometimes he has to heal a relationship. In one case, the young man was required to get the approval of ten men before he was finally accepted. Trust me, it changed his life.

Remember that in all things we are better together than we are alone. These steps are no different.

1. Reflect on the people, experiences, and thinking that have brought you to your current state of manhood. What do you find that is good and noble? What needs repair?
2. Assess the friendships you’ve had throughout your life. Look for patterns and tendencies in your approach to friendship. What do you find that will help you build a band of brothers? What do you find that you need to change?
3. Take stock of the men in your life and identify which ones might be good partners in helping to build a band of brothers. Ask God to guide you.
4. Consider giving some of the men you know copies of this book, or perhaps Mansfield’s Book of Manly Men, or any other book about manhood that has been meaningful to you. When you do, notice which of your friends are inspired by what they read. These men will be good candidates for a band of brothers.
5. Start drawing your friends into conversations about noble manhood. Move toward the expressions of honor described in this book: “Bob, you’re good at relating to your kids. Can you help me with that?”
6. Put together some opportunities for the men you know to connect indirectly. Pray for these get-togethers. Notice what boils to the surface from the lives of these men.
7. Once some men have joined you in meaningful chats about manhood, consider heading toward the all-important covenant transition. Keep making opportunities for indirect connections while you make this covenant transition with those men who are willing.
8. When the time is right, establish the vital “free fire zone.” When this is in place, congratulations—you have the beginning of a band of brothers!
9. Try to assure the basics of the most successful bands of brothers: means of constant contact, regular get-togethers, books or audio/visual materials that feed noble manhood, plenty of free-flowing chat time, some kind of annual or semiannual getaway or adventure, huge amounts of food and laughter. Always encourage a “brotherhood of the fierce.”
10. Never forget these words: “A band of brothers is not a meeting, a club, a therapy group, or a self-help society. It is the group of men you do life with. It is the team of brothers who are committed to great manhood with you. It is the band of men you build a manly culture with, a culture of inspiration and improvement.” “We few, We happy few, We Band of Brothers.”