Author: Scott Chafee

For a number of reasons, most abused children never share “the secret” of their abuse. And when they do … it’s usually many years later! They protect their perpetrators because:

• They feel guilty (false guilt), assuming the sexual encounter is their fault.
• They feel love and loyalty for the abuser.
• They fear the one they tell may respond with disbelief and denial, or horror and judgment.
• They feel no need to tell because the trauma caused dissociation, resulting in no memory of abuse.
• They fear the abuser’s authority and power.
• They feel threatened by the abuser.
• They fear what will happen to the abuser.
• They feel obligated to the abuser.
• They feel no one cares because no one asks!

“The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out.” (Proverbs 18:15)

After an act of sexual abuse, the villain fears being found out. He seeks to shift the blame to the victim by unloading a truck full of guilt. This strategy is a perverted game.

Most games are fun, and most games require some level of strategy. In the case of child abuse, perpetrators use one of the most powerful strategies in existence—guilt. In fact, most perpetrators possess an expertise at playing the guilt game … a game of deceit. For victims, this game is not fun—it is evil.

“Deceit [is] in the hearts of those who plot evil.” (Proverbs 12:20)

• “If you share our secret, it will break my heart.”
• “If you share our secret, Mother’s feelings will be so hurt.”
• “If you share our secret, they won’t let me see you again.”
• “If you share our secret, Mommy won’t understand and will leave us.”
• “If you share our secret, your mother will divorce me.”
• “If you share our secret, our family will be destroyed.”
• “If you share our secret, I’ll tell them you wanted it.”
• “If you share our secret, I’ll say you started it … it’s your fault.”
• “If you share our secret, I won’t love you any more.”
• “If you share our secret, I’ll kill you … I’ll kill myself.”

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

There are Emotional Signs of Abuse

• Anxiety or panic attacks
• Apathy
• Confused sexual identity
• Depression
• Excessive need for love and attention
• Emotional withdrawal, introversion
• False guilt
• Fear of authority figures
• Fear of going to bed, nightmares or other sleep disturbances
• Fear of intimacy
• Inability to concentrate in school
• Low self-worth
• Mistrust
• Psychoneurosis (hysteria, phobias, obsessions, compulsions)
• Regression to an earlier phase of development (baby-like) or pseudo-mature (adult-like) behavior
• Self-consciousness and insecurity
• Self-destructive behavior
• Splitting off into different personalities (DID—Dissociative Identity Disorder)
• Shame
• Unexplained mood changes
• Unpredictable anger, aggression, rage

There are Physical Signs of Abuse

• Abdominal pain
• Bed-wetting, change in toilet habits
• Complaints of sickness or frequent headaches
• Failure to accomplish simple tasks
• Genital itching, yeast or bladder infections
• Habit disorders (severe biting, thumb-sucking, rocking)
• Memory loss
• Masturbation, excessive or in public
• Obsessive washing and cleaning
• Pain when urinating
• Premarital pregnancy
• Sad facial expressions or frequent crying
• Self-mutilation (self-injury—a cutter)
• Sitting or walking difficulties
• Suicidal gestures
• Torn, stained or blood-spotted underpants
• Undernourished appearance
• Vaginal or rectal pain, swelling, bruises or bleeding
• Vaginal/penile discharge
• Venereal disease

There are Social Signs Abuse

Victims usually have difficulty developing healthy habits and relationships, struggling in several of the following areas:

• Abnormal expression of sexuality in writing, drawing or playing
• Alcohol and drug abuse
• Antisocial behavior, defiance, problems with authority and rules
• Arriving early, staying late at school or another safe place
• Avoidance of specific people or situations
• Deep fear of saying no to adults
• Defensive reaction to touch
• Dependent, clinging behavior
• Eating disorders
• Excessive compliance (inability to set personal boundaries)
• Exclusive relationship with an older person
• Extreme modesty, reluctance to change clothes in front of others
• Fear of sleepovers
• Poor peer relationships
• Premature sexual knowledge or behavior
• Promiscuity or seductive behavior with older males
• Running away
• Secretive
• Sexually abusing another child
• Sudden drop in school performance or activities
• Taking on a parental role

There are Spiritual Signs of Abuse

Children who are victimized generally struggle with some of the following obstacles to their spiritual growth:

• Warped negative perceptions of God
• Anger at God because He did not stop the abuse
• Distrusting God for allowing the abuse
• Feeling rejected by God and unworthy
• Fearing God’s anger and displeasure
• Projecting the attributes of the abuser onto God
• Possessing a knowledge of God but have little personal experience of God’s love and grace
• Difficulty forming an intimate relationship with God
• Rejecting God or seeking to gain God’s approval through achieving high levels of performance in church related activities

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

If you were abused as a child, your challenge is to move from victim to victor, from survivor to conqueror through the indwelling power of Christ.

Victim: The victim who continues to feel like a victim into adulthood is living with a “victim mentality”—still feeling powerless and therefore acting powerless. Typically moving from one abusive relationship to another, this victim lives in denial, refuses to face the secret of the past and possesses no knowledge of how to receive help and healing.

Survivor: The survivor is aware of the need for facing the past. With complete honesty, the survivor takes action to deal with debilitating issues such as false guilt and shame, anger and unforgiveness, loneliness and grief, personal sin and repentance.

Conqueror: The conqueror is victorious over the past and no longer in bondage to the memories of the abuser or of the abuse. Through an intimate relationship with Christ, giving Him full control, the conqueror grows in self-worth, vulnerability and the capacity to experience authentic love and intimacy with others. Ultimately the desire to reach out and minister to others becomes reality.

The Bible reveals our hope for victory: “In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” (Romans 8:37)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Typically, childhood sexual abuse is not a onetime, isolated incident, but rather a premeditated plan resulting in repeated abuse by a perpetrator. While the details of each victimization are different, perpetrators follow a typical course of behavior: intentionally seducing and then stimulating, silencing and then suppressing the victim. Once the victim is suppressed, the child loses all hope.

Seduction: The perpetrator emotionally seduces the child by developing intimacy, progressively building trust and giving pleasure. This is accomplished by becoming an attentive friend, showing preferential treatment, giving money, gifts, bribes or rewards.

Stimulation: The child feels pleasure in physical touch that seems appropriate, affirming and warm (playful wrestling and tender touching such as hugs and gentle back rubs). Over time the child becomes desensitized and vulnerable to a progression of more advanced sexual activity. The increased physical encroachment may not be enjoyable, but the increased sexual stimulation can be enjoyable. (By God’s design, the body naturally responds to sexual stimulation. While children eventually feel conflicted over the mixture of pain and pleasure, no guilt should ever be attributed to the child—the guilt belongs to the abuser alone.)

Silence: The perpetrator moves to ensure the victim’s silence through intimidation and fear-inducing threats. A warped sense of loyalty has already been cultivated within the child through special attention, gifts and privileges. Although the abuse may be a onetime event or continue for years, few victims ever tell. The destructive secret remains imbedded for years in a quagmire of ambivalent feelings such as love and hate, pleasure and shame, tenderness and terror. They feel rage at the reality of being in the relationship and rage at the possibility of losing the relationship. Meanwhile, abusers are keenly aware of their power over their innocent prey.

Suppression: When no one rescues the child from the abusive relationship, the child feels doubly betrayed. Any hope of ever being “saved” by anyone, including God, is destroyed. The child, feeling no choice but to bow to the supreme power of the perpetrator, slips quietly into enslavement. Then, when hopelessness reigns, the soul is suppressed and the light within the spirit is snuffed out.

The Bible describes men of deception: “There is no fear of God before his eyes. For in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin. The words of his mouth are wicked and deceitful; he has ceased to be wise and to do good. Even on his bed he plots evil; he commits himself to a sinful course and does not reject what is wrong.” (Psalm 36:1–4)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Who are the people who do such things to children?

Adult Seducer of Children

• Familial: The most frequent villains of children in their own families are fathers and stepfathers. They either prefer sex with children or use their own children just because they are available.
• Preferential: Referred to as a pedophile, this is a person who is significantly older than the child and who demonstrates a compulsive preference for prepubescent children with little or no sexual interest in peers. Pedophiles primarily victimize non-family members. Pedophiles who abuse non-family members average 90 victims, whereas pedophiles who abuse family members average two victims.
• Situational: This sexual perpetrator does not have a true preference for children, but rather engages in sex with a child just because the child is available or to seek revenge. Angry, bored or feeling powerless, this villain is looking for anyone to sexually violate, and children often fit the situation.

Adult Rapist of Children:

The most dangerous of child abusers is the rapist, who is usually a person significantly older than the child and who commits cruel, violent acts. The rape of one particular child is usually a onetime incident.

Child Perpetrator of Children:

The child perpetrator is a minor who sexually violates a younger child. Typically, these villains have been abused as children and, as a result, have learned to abuse other children in the same way.

The Bible reveals the intent of the villain: “A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit. Though his speech is charming, do not believe him, for seven abominations fill his heart. His malice may be concealed by deception, but his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.” (Proverbs 26:24–26)

Look at the parents of the victims, those who fail to protect their children:

Permissive Parent: One of the primary roles of parents is to protect their children from harm. Permissive parents fail in this most basic duty. They not only permit their children to be abused, but also appear to favor the guilty over the innocent. Surprisingly, victims often feel far more anger toward their permissive parent than toward the actual perpetrator.

Passive Parent: Usually a mother, the passive parent gives silent consent to sexual abuse by ignoring it. Most often she feels powerless to protect herself or her children. She victimizes her child by withholding physical protection and doubly victimizes her child by withholding emotional support.

Preoccupied Parent: Preoccupied parents are so absorbed in their own personal lives or their own emotional problems that they fail to protect their children. They lack the sensitivity and discernment needed to see the signs of a child in distress.

Prideful Parent: Prideful parents cannot or will not believe that sexual abuse could exist within their “picture perfect” home. Their self-centered pride prevents them from taking their own child’s word that such a travesty has happened.

The Bible chastises protectors of the guilty, those who fail to protect the innocent: “It is not good to be partial to the wicked or to deprive the innocent of justice.” (Proverbs 18:5)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Consider these criteria of victims of childhood sexual abuse:

• A child victim of sexual abuse is any boy or girl under the age of eighteen who has suffered a single experience or many experiences of sexual abuse.
• A child in legal terms is referred to as a “minor.”
• A child (minor) is defined as a person under the age of eighteen.
• A child victim of sexual abuse is overwhelmed with a sense of powerlessness.
  • A child has no choice about being abused.
  • A child does not have the ability to stop the abuse.
  • A child is defenseless against the emotional pain.
  • A child feels helpless and totally alone.

The Bible is not silent about God’s concern for victims: “You, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.… You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.” (Psalm 10:14, 17)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Childhood sexual abuse is an umbrella term that covers a variety of direct and indirect sexually inappropriate actions with children for the sexual gratification of an older child or adult. Such exploitation is like a violent storm that leaves a chilling aftermath of fear and devastation.

Indirect Sexual Abuse: As a child, were you …

• Stared at while undressing, bathing or urinating? (voyeurism)
• Intentionally exposed to the nudity of or made to bathe with someone much older than you? (exhibitionism)
• Made to listen to sexual talk? (lewdness)
• Shown sexual pictures, magazines, videos or movies? (pornography)
• Made to pose for sexual photographs, videos or movies? (child pornography)
• Made to sexually stimulate yourself with another person observing you? (masturbation)
• Teased or ridiculed about your body or made to feel you were a sex object? (psychological sexual abuse)

Direct Sexual Abuse: As a child, were you …

• Touched or caressed in sexually sensitive areas or bathed in a way that felt sexually intrusive? (fondling)
• Kissed in a sexual way? (intimate kissing)
• Made to touch the sexual parts of another person? (fondling)
• Made to perform oral sex? (oral genital contact)
• Manipulated or forced into unwanted sexual intercourse or anal sex? (penetration/rape)
• Made to engage in satanic ritualistic abuse and sexual torture? (SRA)
• Subjected to the painful use of objects on your sexual parts? (sadism)

The Bible promises justice and hope: “What the wicked dreads will overtake him; what the righteous desire will be granted. When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever.” (Proverbs 10:24–25)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Childhood sexual abuse is any physical, visual or verbal interaction with a minor by an older person whose purpose is sexual stimulation or sexual satisfaction.

• Abuse means mistreatment, using something or someone in an inappropriate manner.
• Abuse is intentional, not accidental.
• Abuse results in emotional, mental and/or physical harm.

The word abuse in Hebrew is chalal, which means “to do harm, to defile.”

Who does this? Sexual abuse of a child is almost always committed by someone the child knows or with whom the child has frequent contact, such as: family member, family friend, babysitter, teacher, doctor, institutional worker, mother’s live-in boyfriend or transient suitor, neighbor, coach, church leader, older friend, playmate’s older siblings, daycare worker.

The Bible is not silent about inappropriate sexual interaction: “He lies in wait like a lion in cover; he lies in wait to catch the helpless; he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net.” (Psalm 10:9)

Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Secret Storm. Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.