1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
2. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
3. When someone says “Have a nice day,” tell them you have other plans.
4. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
5. Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
6. Fill out your tax form using Roman numerals.
7. Tape pictures of your teachers on watermelons and launch them from high places.
8. Leaf through “National Geographic” and draw underwear on the natives.
9. Tattoo “Out to Lunch” on your forehead.
10. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
11. Pay your electric bill with coins.
12. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
13. Polish your car with earwax.
14. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
15. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
16. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
17. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
18. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.
19. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.

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1. Oops.
2. That never occurred to Me.
3. Do you know the way to San Jose?
4. Finders keepers, losers weepers.
5. If you have sinned only a little, cast the first stone.
6. Best two out of three?
7. Don’t stop to help, we’re late for church.
8. Well, I suppose it’d be OK. But just this once.
9. What’s the matter with you guys? Can’t you take a joke?
10. How long must I put up with you? (no, wait, He did say that).
11. You’re not the boss of me.
12. Do they want red or white wine?
13. Do you want fries with that broiled fish?
14. Maybe I should write this down.
15. I’m pretty good at division, but I’m great at multiplication.
16. Broadcast into all the world and make giving units.
17. Peter, sometimes you’re such a poopy head.
18. How the heck should I know why fools fall in love?
19. Would you consider giving me half the kingdoms of the world if I fall down and worship you for, say, ten minutes?
20. Just between you and me, I walked because I don’t know how to swim.
21. Blessed are the … are the … um …
22. If anyone desires to come after Me, let him attend church, pass an offering plate and follow the pastor.
23. What in My name is going on in here?
24. Has anyone seen my keys to the kingdom?
25. The choir is so much better now that Tammy Faye is here.
26. I’m not riding into town on that donkey.
27. I have to buy a new suit for Easter.
28. How many more of these seals do I have to break?
29. Judas, am I not worth more than only 30 pieces of silver?
30. Do I look fat in this robe?
31. What Would I Do?
32. How many angels really can dance on the head of a pin?
33. Happy holidays.

What about things Jesus WOULD say today, like…

1. A-Rod wants how much for 10 years?
2. No, Benedict, you can’t exchange a beer stein for the wine chalice.
3. See, this is what happens when you make Me illegal in America.
4. I don’t believe in atheists, therefore atheists don’t exist.
5. “What we have here, is, failure to communicate” (Cool Hand Luke).

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